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ARRRRGH!!!

There are times when I become so angry that I could “bite rocks and spit sand.” I am so bloody angry that a throat punch is the nicest thing I can think of right now.
“I thought you are ‘of peace’.”
Just because I’m ‘of peace’ doesn’t mean that I can’t experience, embrace and acknowledge the anger. The BIG thing is NOT ACTING ON THE ANGER.

— Mindful breathing helps.
— Cursing in a foreign language helps and is kinda funny, especially when one starts hurling made up profanities.
— Putting finger to touchscreen also works to extinguish the flames of anger.
— Telling the person who angered you what he/she did is the best!

So, I’ve done those things.
I’ve meditated, breathed in helpful energy, exhaled the less than helpful.
Had a huge glass of iced lemon water…yummers!

And now the anger has passed. I’ve sought forgiveness from the Universe for spewing such bile. (LOL, jejejeje giggling for a completely different reason) and my stony expression has returned (as opposed to my death gaze expression or even worse, my stare through you expression.)

Well, since I’m here, I might as well visit my drafts folder..

✌️ ❤️ and 🎸🎸

a pui tardi!

I AM of peace.

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I will admit, Fear has entered my heart

I’ve been relying heavily on the Litany against Fear of late…

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

ZOMG! I’m feeling a photo/quote mash-up in the near future.

It is not my goal to be cryptic, but I am SUPER excited about something that will change my life…forever! However, along with the excitement, Fear hovers in the background. In two weeks or so (I’ve created an alert to remind me to revisit this) I’ll be in a much better position to share. I hope.

I am also calling upon my many bookmarks and electronic post it notes of quotes, affirmations and incantations.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

The above quote rings so clearly to me as just a few days ago I realised that I had been stuck in “second gear.” I was stuck because I allowed Fear in. Fear clouded my mind with indecision. The moment, the SECOND after I made a move…I was ready for the next step.
Well, I can only beat this horse so much. (No, I don’t beat animals) With that said…

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Benjamin Franklin

Now, let’s switch gears. I knew that I was ill. I NEVER had any idea just how ill I was. That was until I reviewed my medical records. We are talking about major systems shutdown. According to the records, I was a member of the walking dead. WOWZERS! When the staff voice their surprise and awe that I still walk amongst them I now know why.

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A suggestion, if you have access to or can get access to your medical records, you should do so. If for nothing else to have an idea of what all of those tests really mean. Plus, I understand that it can be used to communicate with your healthcare professional. THAT would be awesome because as symptoms happen they can be documented and addressed at your next appointment. The possible uses for are endless. I’ve used that information to put on a “carry always” medical info card. Because my mobile locks itself after five minutes. (I also carry a flash drive with most recent MRI and CT scans and medications) I like to prepare just in case something happens and I am unchaperoned.

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Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read something that just made you feel creepy, gross? Well, I have. A few days ago, I read a profile that just made my flesh crawl. The oddest thing is that there wasn’t really anything particularly harsh or profane. I just felt…..yucky after reading it.

I can’t think of anything else to prattle on about. So I’m going to end with an Alanis Morissette song mash-up…

nothing owed

I wake up and first things first
I’m of service
I make sure your needs are met, I’m so selfless
I give hard and serve hard and now I, I need a break
I give in, I give all and now it’s time to regenerate

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Today’s all about me, all about how I’m feeling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

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I am knackered!

Wowzers, today, I returned to the workforce after a year plus of being away. It was a test I set for myself. I’ll say that on the standard A B C D F grading scale I’d give myself a C. I will admit it was fun to move around in the world again. However, I will be unable to move tomorrow. 😜😬

I learned the art of being a DJ. I always thought that it was a rather simple job. I mean how difficult can it be to play records (tapes, CDs, mp3s, etc) right? Well there is SO much more to it. The right playlist; the right games. One must know how to not only entertain today’s sophisticated child, but also the parents of said child. It was an enjoyable few hours. I will admit, it’s not something I’d be able to do again anytime soon.

Another discovery. I can not effectively metabolise nutritional bio-matter if I am overheated. I’ll spare you the details. But I honestly do not know if it was the overheating OR that I’ve not had fast food (burger, fries and a fizzy drink) in months and my body rejected the pseudo-“food” I had for “lunch.”

Fast forward a few hrs later…
Sweet potato fries, oven baked garlic and herb pork chops, fresh tomato and cucumber salad for dinner..all prepared lovingly by me. YUMMY! Have I mentioned that I do like to cook?

Well I am off out. Actually, I’m off in. I’m not moving from this spot (unless I have to spend a penny).

A pui tardi!

✌️✌️

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I am…

wondering if conspiracy theorists know something we don’t know.
dumbfounded.
an OK guy.
a loyal (some say to a fault) friend.
someone you can count on.
really, really, REALLY confused.
perplexed.
baffled.
sad.
angry.
frustrated.
on some days “ok looking” on other days,
absolutely stunning.
walking a tight rope of emotion.
ready for the next step of my evolution.
wondering, as I am sure we all have at one time or another, why is man here?
wondering how the universe came into existence.
grateful.

✌️
A pui tardí

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Really? Wow! Are you fraking kidding me?

Just like I’m tired of people telling me,

You should be more like… .

I am also growing tired of people calling me

weird.

Yet, when I ask, “How am I being weird?” No one can give me an answer. So what’s up with that? I mean, you’ve read some of these entries. You know that I have …issues… 😄 but I own my issues. I embrace my issues. Perhaps that is what makes me “weird.” But you know what, I’m finished with that.
✌️
I am forever amazed at what people notice. I am forever amazed at what offends – perhaps that’s not the best word, but I can’t think of the “correct” one. I LOVE high style speech. I will drop a “thee” or a “thine” in a sentence if I can. Plus, if I’ve chatted with you for a while and I’m feeling a title, I’ll give you a title.
“Title?”
You know a title…Lord, Lady, Viscount, Baroness, etc. etc. etc. Well, it seems, that I’ve hurt the feelings of an on-liner by not offering a them title.
By the Pluto’s thorny cock! I try not to trivialise the feelings of others. It’s not my place to tell you how you should feel. HOWEVER, really? Give me a bloody break!!! I am sorry if feathers were ruffled, but REALLY? I understand people being pissed at me because I posted a pic of a clockwork President Obama wanking off. I’d understand if you’d get pissed at me because I called your kid ugly and slapped your spouse. Get pissed if I insult your faith based on the radical actions of others of similar beliefs. There are thousands of reasons to get pissed at moi. Me, not proffering you a make believe title shouldn’t be a reason. You want a title? Give yourself one!…..20140715-063607-23767132.jpg

HOWEVER I’m just ….but to have to re-evaluate because I’ve not …… YES, these are some of the people in my circle. But I never knew, that this was a brewing issue. When I said “circle” an image came to mind…

Talking about images. I realised today, that with a few exceptions, I no longer have to Google basic images. I’ve plenty of original pieces I can use and will start using. I snap at least one thousand photos a day. I know this because I dump my camera roll into my #Shoebox before I power down.

What else? Ahhhh, if one says…speaks…writes…communicates one request, statement, whatever AND IT IS NOT HOW ONE TRULY FEELS, IF IT IS NOT WHAT ONE REALLY WANTS DONE. One can’t get angry when the desired outcome isn’t achieved. Does that make sense? Basically…Don’t beat about the bush. Don’t be coy.

This was not where I thought this blog was going to go. It’s not really what I’d planned … Oh well.

Oh, you’ve been weighing heavily because I forgot to buy your latest offering. It was on the “To Do” list, but…. 😒.

a pui tardí
✌️
Oh, micro-blogs, as my ability to recall ideas, sparked moments ago continues to decline, I am going to try the “micro-blogging” thing. An associate called it Twitter140+. Ahhh. Or, hummmmm

If I seem insensitive to what you’re going through, Captain, understand – it’s the way I am. – Spock of Vulcan

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music and messages contained therein

the lyrics used here were found on the interwebs. I’ve tried to correct them as best as I could.

You do recall that I LOVE MUSIC don’t you? I can listen to anything except Dixieland Jazz and hardcore Gangsta Rap. I can’t process the harmonics in Dixieland Jazz and the other…I think it’s just noise…rude noise. But that’s me. Lately I’ve been grooving to Miss Alanis Morissette. (Truth be told, I’m almost always grooving to her. We’ve grown up together. Her music is evidence of that. I digress) Two of her tunes in particular speak to my heart. The first is…

WIN and WIN

In my old days someone won
Those were days of win-lose
In those bleak times I was better
I sat high: looking down my nose

Changed direction: looking up
I am not worthy to be with you
We are separate, I’m inferior
I have yearnings to sit across from you

‘Cause we’re eye to eye
We are win and win
We are equal to each other
We are flames of twin
We are offspring of truth
We are partner-sister-brother

Both directions speak a lie
Up or down, I can feel you
As we battle with our power
We are separate, not looking across

‘Cause we’re eye to eye
We are win and win
We are equal to each other
We are flames of twin
We are offspring of truth
We are partner-sister-brother

These delusions of our grandeur
We are locked in the struggle
These lies of status lower
These conclusions, we’re in trouble

‘Cause we’re eye to eye
We are win and win
We are equal to each other
We are flames of twin
We are offspring of truth
We are partner- sister- brother

Same value…. same value….

The other Alanis Morissette song that speaks to me is..

receive

I wake up and first things first
I’m of service
I make sure your needs are met, I’m so selfless
I give hard and serve hard and now I, I need a break
I give big, I give all and now it’s time to regenerate

Today’s all about me, all about cup filling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I move on through offerings often one-sided
Being this low on list of worth: over-extended

I give hard, provide hard and now I need some relief
I look out, I proffer, and now I need some respite indeed

Today’s all about me, all about cup filling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

My habit to love you first and me: remainders
Favoring you is so knee-jerk, leaves me a stranger
I give hard, impart hard and now I need to retreat
I give out, dedicate and now I need to acknowledge me

Today’s all about me, all about cup filling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
How to receive
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
How to receive
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
How to receive
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
How to receive

Both can be found on …
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Who remembers The Tracey Ullman show? Do you recall the episode when one of the characters talked about having a theme tune to his life? I’ve always agreed! Once I heard Conjure One’s “Extraordinary Way,” I knew I found the theme tune to my life.

Extraordinary Way featuring Poe

What I have is nothing to my name
No property to speak of
And no trophy for my game
Intangible and worthless
My assets on the page
My coffers are empty
Any offer of safety has faded away
But what I have, what I have is

On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this

That makes me lucky, God, I’m lucky
So much luckier than I ever thought I’d be
‘Cause what I have
(What I have)
Means so very little to this world

A promise that I kept
And a bridge that I saved before it burned
The sacrifice that I made
Brought me to my knees

A choice that cost me everything
And set somebody else free
But what I have is the value
That you see in these things

On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this

That makes me lucky, God I’m lucky
So much luckier than I ever thought I’d be
‘Cause what I have is the value
That you see in these things

And every time I forget those things
You bring them right back to me

With your patience
When I’m blinding mad
And your passion
When I’m really, really bad

And your eyes, taking in everything I am
And your body and soul
And the way that you know
How I treasure you

On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this

That makes me lucky, God, I’m so lucky
So much luckier than I ever thought I’d be

On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day, the extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this.

I can’t tell you what messages are contained therein. What you take away from each is up to you. Heck, the possibility exists that you’ll feel nothing. And guess what my friends. That’s ok.✌️

Well, I’m off out! A pui tardì!

I am of peace.

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But I don’t know you.

Let’s get to the meat of this blog. I am faced with a decision. This is a decision that honestly has me stumped.

I have to have a conversation with a few people that I never thought I would have to have at this stage of my life. The “stumped” part. No matter how I phrase it, no matter how many bows I wrap around it, feelings will be hurt and angry words will be said in the heat of the moment. I’d like to point out that these hurt feelings and angry words won’t be mine.

After 30+ years, people who share my genetic material want to reach out and become a “family.” AFTER 30+ YEARS. Of course, I wonder why. Now, my brother, my younger brother, wants to reunite. It is my opinion that he has a romanticised view of the past, a past coloured by his youth, his want to have extended family and television programming which touts the joyousness of family life.

My problem, I have NO DESIRE to reconnect. NONE WHATSOEVER! I hold no bitterness or avarice toward any of them. I just don’t want to waste the emotional and physical energy. PERIOD! I will admit that I caved in and accepted a friend request but, I’ve made no attempt other than the initial “hello” via messenger.

The other stump, I do not want to ruin my brother’s reunion. People do change and perhaps they have. I think that it is important for him to try to develop a relationship with these people so that he can judge for himself. ZOMGoddess, it just occurred to me that he, my brother, wants me there just in case, the dream is in fact a nightmare. He will have someone on his “side.” That may or may not be true.

I’ll make make attempts to ….no I won’t. I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to do a damn thing. I’m going to try a technique that I’ve seen many others use. I am not going to do anything. Of course I know that by not doing anything, that I am doing something. (Yes, I acknowledge my passive aggressive approach.)

I don’t know these people. 30 + years is a LOT of water under the bridge. I’ve NO warm and fuzzy feeling about a reunion. I’m feeling something. I just don’t know what I’m feeling. I do know that I believe that I have no desire to get to know these people. That’s it! PERIOD

I keep bumping on “feelings.” I wonder if this choice of inactivity is the correct choice. I wonder if I DO have some deep seeded…something. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

Oh well, the Universe shall guide and provide, she always does.

I AM of peace!

a pui tardí

PS. Hello Milady! How are you? You’ve been weighing heavily on my mind of late.

✌️

the WILL and the WORD….

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