Wow and it is just 08:19…

And I’ve already ridden the roller coaster of emotions.

I awoke smiling, humming and then singing ( 99.9% of the time that’s how I greet the world. Now keep in mind, that is only when I am alone. If others are around…DON’T BREATHE TOO HEAVILY OR I WILL CUT YOU DOWN WITH AN ICY GLARE).

But now, as I did the morning washing up (which was light as all I had was a lightly toasted bagel, a thinly sliced, lightly peppered English cucumber and a cuppa) I burst into tears. Why? For a brief moment, I caught a whiff of my mothers scent and felt…..something.

Memories, this time last year…..she and I were walking the streets of Atlanta, looking at the snow.

Alrightythen

Wow

a pui tardi

Let’s see if I can lighten the mood a bit.

My random blog for today

“What’s on my mind?” Humm, in no particular order:

A Cuppa (I think pomegranate black)

Bacon (ok, yeah all of the time)

A “perfect” job (there is one out there and I WILL find it!)

The gym- I REALLY need to go back.

Coconut macaroons (see above)

Tervis cups (an early Christmas present and I <3 it!)

Pancakes (only three, any more and blahhh)

Almond milk (yummy yummy in my tummy)

The mating practices of the Norwegian Troll. (I don't know why)

Depending upon where one is in his/her life, a book, read many times, speaks differently each time (did that make sense?)

Standing on this table, and pulling the speaker from its mounting in hopes of silencing the bloody holiday music. Because if I hear another version of Jingle Bells I AM GOING TO SCREAM!
have a great day!

a pui tardi

Number Two…

Ok, something to lighten the mood…

When deciding what category to place a blog, I’ve discovered that I have an extensive list. So, this blog is actually the category links. That might prove interesting. Tell me what you think.

STOP THE PRESSES
I’ve just listed A and B ….I’m going to string you along….tease ya a bit!

Ciao ciao!

😜😃😄😊

Hey! Well, I was going to…

…gripe about something. But now I can’t remember.

…share a thought or two about some things that have been knocking about in my head. But, I’ve realised that those thoughts need a little more knocking before I can share.

…finish a vlog that “needs” to be finished, but I just don’t feel like it.

…move, delete, compress even more files. How in the blue hades does one fill a t.b. so quickly? What’s after a terabyte?

Oh well…a pui tardi!

✌

One can NEVER be ready…

Wow, last year this time I was in Atlanta, nursing my mom back to health. After a year (mas o menos), I left her, a person size lighter and in a better position health-wise than I found her. Soon, I will return to Atlanta to bury her. Which is just odd to me as we were laughing and goofing off together on Monday.

Now, what’s even odder is that unless things happen differently, there are “steps” to this expiration.

Remove her from the ventilator is the first step.

So, well see where that leads us.

Happiness = Security … or does it?

Wow, once more into the fire.

Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?

Well, my “security” was taken away today.

(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)

Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”

But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…

Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”

“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”

Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.

Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )

Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )

Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)

Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)

Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)

But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”

So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?

Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?

Oh well, a pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.

a few quotes on … fear

In “Strange dreams,” I shared the Litany against fear. BOOYAKITTY!!! (not the litany) And then as I poured my second cup, I realised that many of us, if not all of us, in some form, allow our respective lives to be shaped by….FEAR.

Fear is static that prevents me from hearing myself. ~Samuel Butler

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions. ~Hāfez

Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. ~German Proverb

If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost. ~Lloyd Douglas

A cat bitten once by a snake dreads even rope. ~Arab Proverb

Fear prejudices courage. ~Abigail Charleson

Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? ~Maurice Freehill

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. ~Author Unknown

Fear is a slinking cat I find beneath the lilacs of my mind. ~Sophie Tunnell

I do not celebrate Easter, but if you do, I am ok with that! Just sayin’

A few things today.

I do not celebrate Easter, but if you do, I am ok with that! Just sayin’

“This is the best that I can do without being fake. Honestly, I lack the emotional skills to be any happier than I am right now. I am sorry that this is not enough for you.”

My response to recent news that would have anyone else jumping for joy and shouting it from the rooftops. That is just not how I behave and to ask me to otherwise, well I won’t do that. So, deal with it!

Now don’t get me wrong, it registered, and I felt, but not enough to make a spectacle of myself. But that lead me to other thoughts and social scenes where my lack of affect made me stand out like a sore thumb.

People just don’t get that it is a MAJOR chore for me to do anything socially. It isn’t for fear of using the wrong fork or saying the wrong thing (well actually it does have more to do with saying the wrong thing, but that goes with the not understanding the intricacies of humour and wit.)

Oh well, kinda over that topic.

Last week was a busy one. Wasn’t able to get to the gym, but, had a week-long workout. With the digging and shovelling, moving this here and there, and mowing and raking. Well you get the hint. I just can’t wait until the new week started. In addition, I was able to take many of the things learned in the gym and apply them at home I will be able to return to my regular schedule. I like the break in routine; yet, returning to a set pattern is much anticipated. However, I am going to add something to that schedule. I will start riding my bike again 1st thing in the morn.

Next…..

“What are you, a fucking witch?” Not just a witch, but a “fucking” one at that!

I seem to attract the curious/hateful ones. I just don’t know why. I guess its the same as how children, animals and old people seem to flock to me. So, I am going to answer your questions in order received. Some answered with a question, just to see if you are paying attention.

1. When will we move past labels? Define witch.
2. I think this is a joke; at least I hope so? I have never ridden a broom and I don’t know anyone who has. I’ve seen a few people jump a broom or two, but ride, can’t say that I have. Do you realise how silly that would look? I mean REALLY. If anything, I like to go on a magic carpet ride. did ya get that or is it soaring overhead on a broom?
3. I do not own, not have I ever owned a cauldron. I have done some cauldron work. Just to see what the hoopla was about. Wasn’t impressed.
4. Spells, incantations, yeah I know a few. You know a few prayers don’t ya? Kinda the same thing. If you really look at it. Really, requesting something from an “external/internal” source.
5. No, I can’t turn anyone into anything. REALLY. You’ve been watching too much Bewitched or Charmed or any of those shows that show stuff like that. But wouldn’t that be a hoot! Someone does something annoying and “poof” you’re a toad. But consider this, toads multiply at a ferocious rate. I’d much rather have one person not like me than 1,000s. (not an original thought, but…)
6. I have never sacrificed a small human or animal. I don’t Yeah, the folklore says that “witches” make sacrifices to…
7. No, I DO NOT WORSHIP SATAN. I mean, come on dude (or dudette), REALLY??? Stop watching late night television. Do you know how to use google?
8. Do I believe in God? (Which one because it appears that there are as many Gods as there are religions and just as many “holy texts”?) and it appears that more crap is done in “his name,” than in any pagan god’s name. Think about it!
9. Will I go to “heaven or hell?” Honestly, this place in which we live is hell to me. Pain, despair, hunger, war, disease, pestilence …. What is the difference betwixt my “hell” and your “hell?” As for the other place, I guess we shall see. Or will I?
10. Since I like myself soooo much, I’ve never found/seen the need to do the “coven” thing. Considering that I do not feel the need to do any group worship service thing, that would not appeal to me.
11. Yes, I’ve danced naked by the pale moonlight. IN THE PRIVACY OF MY HOME. I actually got that one. It’s a quote from one of those Batman films.

So I am thinking this is a joke. But it has been fun.

Oh, I do not like name droppers.

••••••

Do I look like an unlettered country oaf? Why do people think I am well, stupid? Why are they amazed at what I know?

a pui tardi

May all beings…

May all beings everywhere, with whom we are inseparably interconnected, be fulfilled, awakened and free. May there be peace in this world and throughout the entire universe and may we all together complete the spiritual journey.

Dharma Heartland

In all my future lives,

May I never fall under the influence of evil companions;

May I never harm a single hair of any living being;

May I never be deprived of the sublime light of Dharma.
¤Traditional Tibetan Prayer¤

A pui tardi

the past few years have been a reboot…i hope…parte 1

I was sitting this morning, listening to “the best of the 80s.”. Something I downloaded last night.

Now flashbacks notwithstanding,

OMGoddess, Van Halen’s JUMP just came on!

(Where was I?)

And the thought came to me that these past few years have been a re boot. They have been “a test.” There have been lessons in EVERY bloody stone. And what have I learned that will prepare me for whatever…?

i honestly don’t know i am going to explore this today. i may handle this in one of two ways. I may just jot “examples” and post them as they come – raw and un edited; or, compile a list and reflect and dissect, sanitise and censor, then share.

“Its all over and I’m standing pretty in this dust that was a city.” nena – 99 Red Balloons

Great goddess, lyrics like that… And the kids today say the same thing about their “music.”

a pui tardi.

Ok, we’re back. i’ve decided to add to the original post. For some reason i think that by doing it this way, it will provide some type of time line.

one thing i discovered is that one can come back from the “brink” and thrive.

modern medicine can do many things, but, NOTHING can take the place of determination and persistence and taking an active role in ones health care regime, oh yeah, faith.

i think i discovered how to sync mobile dafts to the desktop. in the status section, i believe that i have to select, draft. let’s see

The above did not work.

this re boot has also taught me that most times when people say “I don’t mean any harm,” that isn’t true. Why? Because if you consider your words carefully….

i’ve also discovered that the phase “if i were you, i would..” really means..”this is what you should do..”

humm..