A few hrs early, but it’s in the bag…been put to bed.
Gearing up for…..
Category: days of old
Ok, one way to make up for lost blogging days….post your “drafts.”
Yeah, I think I’ve posted four or five blogs left on or is it “in” “draft” status. Of course, I believe that most of the were combined in another blog, but as I said in one, “oh well.”
I’m just pleased “TO BE.”.
Now off to read some statistical analyses. Type to you next year. 👽👽👽👽😜
a pui tardi
Like this:
Wow, once more into the fire.
Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?
Well, my “security” was taken away today.
(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)
Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”
But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…
Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”
“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”
Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.
Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )
Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )
Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)
Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)
Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)
But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”
So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?
Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?
Oh well, a pui tardi!
I am of peace…most of the time.
Like this:
Humm,
I try to post that whenever and wherever I can.
Bear with me, I’ve not worked from the desktop in a while. The feel of an actual keyboard is …odd.
Because I love Domo-kun.
OK, here we go…
Closure. Can we talk?
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend (we’ll call Timmy) who expressed that he wished that his friend (Billy) would talk about, a dark place in his life.
So, you know me. I asked,”What purpose would that serve him? Why would Billy wish to think about that period? Why would he want to re-live that? He has learned from it. He has become a much better person. He is actually happy; and, he has apparently moved on. Hell, he is thriving now as opposed to then. So why would he need to discuss that time?”
Now, here is the key, I think.
“Because I want him to discuss it so that I can have some closure.”
I am really startled. “Just why do you need closure on Billy’s problem? I am really curious to hear your answer to this.
Because, (reasons aren’t really relevant) but to sum it up. Timmy feels that because he went through those things with Billy, and that things were said about Timmy that “just weren’t true,” yada yada ya – ex-chetra (yeah, I know, watch Community)…..
“OK, do you not think Timmy has considered the source? Has he not apologised repeatedly? Has he not given you the ‘credit’ you’re due?”
I see where this is going so I raise a finger and say…
What you want, is to talk about YOU.
What YOU want is to talk about how YOU feel/felt.
What YOU want is to be the centre of attention.
If YOU need to discuss it, why don’t YOU talk to a therapist?
I thought you did those things out of concern, love and affection. Not to have something to bring up everytime you have an opportunity just so that you can say what you’ve done, and how you helped….
Subject changed….
So “closure” is it really for the “victim/survivor” or their “friends?”
a pui tardi
Like this:
Just something that has come to mind. No rhyme or reason to this.
I am sure that you’ve heard this before. “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?”
What is it with the youth, not just kids, but young adults today? What makes a person, in the prime of their life…. HATE EVERYTHING? Now, we are going to remove depression/mental illness from the equation from the start.
Now where am I going next? Just because you don’t get the girl (or boy) you want; you give up “hope?” now that’s crazy talk. Why in the name of the gods would anyone want to be saddled, chained, bound to anyone when you’re 18, 19 or even 20? What do you HONESTLY have to offer yourself, let alone anyone else at that age? LIVE LIFE.
A few things today.
I do not celebrate Easter, but if you do, I am ok with that! Just sayin’
“This is the best that I can do without being fake. Honestly, I lack the emotional skills to be any happier than I am right now. I am sorry that this is not enough for you.”
My response to recent news that would have anyone else jumping for joy and shouting it from the rooftops. That is just not how I behave and to ask me to otherwise, well I won’t do that. So, deal with it!
Now don’t get me wrong, it registered, and I felt, but not enough to make a spectacle of myself. But that lead me to other thoughts and social scenes where my lack of affect made me stand out like a sore thumb.
People just don’t get that it is a MAJOR chore for me to do anything socially. It isn’t for fear of using the wrong fork or saying the wrong thing (well actually it does have more to do with saying the wrong thing, but that goes with the not understanding the intricacies of humour and wit.)
Oh well, kinda over that topic.
Last week was a busy one. Wasn’t able to get to the gym, but, had a week-long workout. With the digging and shovelling, moving this here and there, and mowing and raking. Well you get the hint. I just can’t wait until the new week started. In addition, I was able to take many of the things learned in the gym and apply them at home I will be able to return to my regular schedule. I like the break in routine; yet, returning to a set pattern is much anticipated. However, I am going to add something to that schedule. I will start riding my bike again 1st thing in the morn.
Next…..
“What are you, a fucking witch?” Not just a witch, but a “fucking” one at that!
I seem to attract the curious/hateful ones. I just don’t know why. I guess its the same as how children, animals and old people seem to flock to me. So, I am going to answer your questions in order received. Some answered with a question, just to see if you are paying attention.
1. When will we move past labels? Define witch.
2. I think this is a joke; at least I hope so? I have never ridden a broom and I don’t know anyone who has. I’ve seen a few people jump a broom or two, but ride, can’t say that I have. Do you realise how silly that would look? I mean REALLY. If anything, I like to go on a magic carpet ride. 
did ya get that or is it soaring overhead on a broom?
3. I do not own, not have I ever owned a cauldron. I have done some cauldron work. Just to see what the hoopla was about. Wasn’t impressed.
4. Spells, incantations, yeah I know a few. You know a few prayers don’t ya? Kinda the same thing. If you really look at it. Really, requesting something from an “external/internal” source.
5. No, I can’t turn anyone into anything. REALLY. You’ve been watching too much Bewitched or Charmed or any of those shows that show stuff like that. But wouldn’t that be a hoot! Someone does something annoying and “poof” you’re a toad. But consider this, toads multiply at a ferocious rate. I’d much rather have one person not like me than 1,000s. (not an original thought, but…)
6. I have never sacrificed a small human or animal. I don’t Yeah, the folklore says that “witches” make sacrifices to…
7. No, I DO NOT WORSHIP SATAN. I mean, come on dude (or dudette), REALLY??? Stop watching late night television. Do you know how to use google?
8. Do I believe in God? (Which one because it appears that there are as many Gods as there are religions and just as many “holy texts”?) and it appears that more crap is done in “his name,” than in any pagan god’s name. Think about it!
9. Will I go to “heaven or hell?” Honestly, this place in which we live is hell to me. Pain, despair, hunger, war, disease, pestilence …. What is the difference betwixt my “hell” and your “hell?” As for the other place, I guess we shall see. Or will I?
10. Since I like myself soooo much, I’ve never found/seen the need to do the “coven” thing. Considering that I do not feel the need to do any group worship service thing, that would not appeal to me.
11. Yes, I’ve danced naked by the pale moonlight. IN THE PRIVACY OF MY HOME. I actually got that one. It’s a quote from one of those Batman films.
So I am thinking this is a joke. But it has been fun.
Oh, I do not like name droppers.
••••••
Do I look like an unlettered country oaf? Why do people think I am well, stupid? Why are they amazed at what I know?
a pui tardi
Like this:
And I awake to the thumping of some tribal music coming from the pub across the way. No biggie! Then this scream. It is the same woman, every bloody night she exits the pub and screeches. she is beyond pissed. I wonder if she will have a massive hangover. I’ll watch BEING HUMAN: US. And ramble on until sleep revisits.
I am beginning to make my preparations for my return trip to back VA. I purchase my ticket on Wednesday. I am kinda looking forward to the 18.5 hour trip…kinda. I set up a tumblr account to “photo” blog it along the way. I tell you this. As soon as I return to HR(Hampton Roads), I am heading to the beach. I have missed the sounds of the waves lapping at the shore, the taste of the salt spray, it will just be nice to be back at my centre of power. Jejejeje
I think I am going to try to combine a few draft posts into one. Ready? Set! Go!
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Had the oddest dream. I was sitting on a split rail fence, eating a kebab of roasted veggies and a huge crocodile jumps up and snatches my food, leaving me completely intact.
¤¤
I admit, I have this “fear” of returning. So much has changed and I fear that those changes have separated me from the past. Does that make any sense?
I fear a loss of freedom. I fear a loss of self. But, how can that be? Perhaps not a “loss” of self but a “submersion” of self.
But aren’t these the “feelings” one usually experiences when one returns “home?” oh my, “home” is not a building, it is a place where you’ve left a heart print
¤¤¤
Confession time…
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN EMOTION. Whoa now waitaminute… Hummm, maybe what I don’t understand are the complexities, the nuances of human emotion. I often tell people that I am emotionally distant (which really isn’t true). I believe that I just process stimuli differently, weigh the helpful and less than helpful outcome (as best as I can, with all available data) and thus react differently. But most times, I follow… (I don’t know what to call it…my “inner voice??”
I have also learned to take certain emotional cues from those around me. And sometimes that just confuses the hell out of me! enough about that…for now
¤¤¤¤
If we fill our hours with regrets over the failures of yesterday, and with worries over the problems of tomorrow, we have no today in which to be thankful ”
¤¤¤¤¤
My Lord Phoenix, soon to be 31…Ahhh, to be 30 anything again. Any plans? And a 6 month anniversary coming up…
and finally
aquarius
We may feel as if anything is possible today as the Moon’s entry into futuristic Aquarius encourages us to cut our ties to the past. Alluring Venus forms a cooperative sextile to radical Uranus, attracting us to new experiences. Venus, too, enters Aquarius, further detaching our desires from our emotions. Anticipation can set us on edge and a lack of self-restraint may empower us to overreach our limits and take risks we might normally pass by.
peace and long life
Like this:
I was sitting this morning, listening to “the best of the 80s.”. Something I downloaded last night.
Now flashbacks notwithstanding,
OMGoddess, Van Halen’s JUMP just came on!
(Where was I?)
And the thought came to me that these past few years have been a re boot. They have been “a test.” There have been lessons in EVERY bloody stone. And what have I learned that will prepare me for whatever…?
i honestly don’t know i am going to explore this today. i may handle this in one of two ways. I may just jot “examples” and post them as they come – raw and un edited; or, compile a list and reflect and dissect, sanitise and censor, then share.
“Its all over and I’m standing pretty in this dust that was a city.” nena – 99 Red Balloons
Great goddess, lyrics like that… And the kids today say the same thing about their “music.”
a pui tardi.
Ok, we’re back. i’ve decided to add to the original post. For some reason i think that by doing it this way, it will provide some type of time line.
one thing i discovered is that one can come back from the “brink” and thrive.
modern medicine can do many things, but, NOTHING can take the place of determination and persistence and taking an active role in ones health care regime, oh yeah, faith.
i think i discovered how to sync mobile dafts to the desktop. in the status section, i believe that i have to select, draft. let’s see
The above did not work.
this re boot has also taught me that most times when people say “I don’t mean any harm,” that isn’t true. Why? Because if you consider your words carefully….
i’ve also discovered that the phase “if i were you, i would..” really means..”this is what you should do..”
humm..
Like this:
OK, she strikes at the oddest of times.
just rang off with David (lucky dog gets to sleep in)
and then it hit….a salon (check out the link below)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salon_(gathering)
{i do not know why that call, reminded me of a salon..it just did!}
don’t want to check out the link… well, OK
A salon is a gathering of stimulating people of quality under the roof of an inspiring hostess or host, partly to amuse one another and partly to refine their taste and increase their knowledge through conversation and readings, often consciously following Horace’s definition of the aims of poetry, “either to please or to educate” (“aut delectare aut prodesse est”). The salons, commonly associated with French literary and philosophical salons of the 17th century and 18th century, were carried on until quite recently in urban settings among like-minded people of a ‘set’: many 20th-century salons could be instanced.
well, thought i’d share
oh, the images, i found em on the web
