Category: depression
Ok, today I had the biggest freak out moment. The cause, (see above image). You see, I left the house without it.
Over the holidays, my niece and I often joked about how we had iPhone in our blood. She, her mom and I joked about how we wake in the middle of the night, just to touch it.
fast forward
“I need to phone Donna about…”
“ahhh, the light is striking that trolley….”
“what was the name of that song?”
“I could Google that.”
“I need that app.”
“Crap, did I reply to that e-mail?”
“Send a text message.”
“Check for e-mail”
So, now I’m at my destination. And I have no music to do my laps.
There were 100s of little things that I do using that little hand held device and I do not have it.
And for 30 minutes….I WAS LOST.
a pui tardi
Like this:
Wow, once more into the fire.
Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?
Well, my “security” was taken away today.
(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)
Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”
But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…
Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”
“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”
Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.
Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )
Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )
Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)
Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)
Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)
But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”
So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?
Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?
Oh well, a pui tardi!
I am of peace…most of the time.
Like this:
Why do we complicate the simple?
Like this:
Humm,
I try to post that whenever and wherever I can.
Bear with me, I’ve not worked from the desktop in a while. The feel of an actual keyboard is …odd.
Because I love Domo-kun.
OK, here we go…
Closure. Can we talk?
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend (we’ll call Timmy) who expressed that he wished that his friend (Billy) would talk about, a dark place in his life.
So, you know me. I asked,”What purpose would that serve him? Why would Billy wish to think about that period? Why would he want to re-live that? He has learned from it. He has become a much better person. He is actually happy; and, he has apparently moved on. Hell, he is thriving now as opposed to then. So why would he need to discuss that time?”
Now, here is the key, I think.
“Because I want him to discuss it so that I can have some closure.”
I am really startled. “Just why do you need closure on Billy’s problem? I am really curious to hear your answer to this.
Because, (reasons aren’t really relevant) but to sum it up. Timmy feels that because he went through those things with Billy, and that things were said about Timmy that “just weren’t true,” yada yada ya – ex-chetra (yeah, I know, watch Community)…..
“OK, do you not think Timmy has considered the source? Has he not apologised repeatedly? Has he not given you the ‘credit’ you’re due?”
I see where this is going so I raise a finger and say…
What you want, is to talk about YOU.
What YOU want is to talk about how YOU feel/felt.
What YOU want is to be the centre of attention.
If YOU need to discuss it, why don’t YOU talk to a therapist?
I thought you did those things out of concern, love and affection. Not to have something to bring up everytime you have an opportunity just so that you can say what you’ve done, and how you helped….
Subject changed….
So “closure” is it really for the “victim/survivor” or their “friends?”
a pui tardi
Like this:
does anyone else have trouble recalling past blogs? Did I do this one here, on perhaps on YouTube?
Query: realistically, how long can a person blame their parents/caregivers for the “crap” of their lives?
I ask this because, lately I’ve been hearing “I’m this way because my mom didn’t do this.”
“I’m this way because my dad was never home.”
I am a bit bothered by this. I’m asking myself, “What about … PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY?”
It seems to me that’s what is lacking in the world today. We choose to place blame at the feet of others as opposed to “man-ing up” and saying that we are because of decisions I made. My life “sucks” not because my mom didn’t buy me a pair of trainers or
In “Strange dreams,” I shared the Litany against fear. BOOYAKITTY!!! (not the litany) And then as I poured my second cup, I realised that many of us, if not all of us, in some form, allow our respective lives to be shaped by….FEAR.
Fear is static that prevents me from hearing myself. ~Samuel Butler
Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions. ~Hāfez
Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. ~German Proverb
If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost. ~Lloyd Douglas
A cat bitten once by a snake dreads even rope. ~Arab Proverb
Fear prejudices courage. ~Abigail Charleson
Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? ~Maurice Freehill
Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. ~Author Unknown
Fear is a slinking cat I find beneath the lilacs of my mind. ~Sophie Tunnell
another day
another fight
a fight to stay above water
did have a spark
why did he say that
why are you asking me why someone said something
fear
i am not a horrible person
calm and control
“vulcan calm vulcan reserve”
i long for the social butterfly days
now i fear
a hatpin in the back of the head
being stabbed
is that poop…ewww
does this taste odd to you
stop it drew
just stop it
but the calm will return
in a few months
balance will return
if only for a while
in the meanwhile i’ll just fit in
i’ll attempt to embrace that which frightens me
that which frightens me
frightens me
me
she is coming…
she visits, she has planted a seed
what will sprout
breathe . . . breathe
