Ok, one way to make up for lost blogging days….post your “drafts.”
Yeah, I think I’ve posted four or five blogs left on or is it “in” “draft” status. Of course, I believe that most of the were combined in another blog, but as I said in one, “oh well.”
I’m just pleased “TO BE.”.
Now off to read some statistical analyses. Type to you next year. 👽👽👽👽😜
a pui tardi
…gripe about something. But now I can’t remember.
…share a thought or two about some things that have been knocking about in my head. But, I’ve realised that those thoughts need a little more knocking before I can share.
…finish a vlog that “needs” to be finished, but I just don’t feel like it.
…move, delete, compress even more files. How in the blue hades does one fill a t.b. so quickly? What’s after a terabyte?
Oh well…a pui tardi!
✌
Wow, once more into the fire.
Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?
Well, my “security” was taken away today.
(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)
Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”
But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…
Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”
“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”
Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.
Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )
Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )
Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)
Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)
Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)
But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”
So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?
Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?
Oh well, a pui tardi!
I am of peace…most of the time.
Humm,
I try to post that whenever and wherever I can.
Bear with me, I’ve not worked from the desktop in a while. The feel of an actual keyboard is …odd.
Because I love Domo-kun.
OK, here we go…
Closure. Can we talk?
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend (we’ll call Timmy) who expressed that he wished that his friend (Billy) would talk about, a dark place in his life.
So, you know me. I asked,”What purpose would that serve him? Why would Billy wish to think about that period? Why would he want to re-live that? He has learned from it. He has become a much better person. He is actually happy; and, he has apparently moved on. Hell, he is thriving now as opposed to then. So why would he need to discuss that time?”
Now, here is the key, I think.
“Because I want him to discuss it so that I can have some closure.”
I am really startled. “Just why do you need closure on Billy’s problem? I am really curious to hear your answer to this.
Because, (reasons aren’t really relevant) but to sum it up. Timmy feels that because he went through those things with Billy, and that things were said about Timmy that “just weren’t true,” yada yada ya – ex-chetra (yeah, I know, watch Community)…..
“OK, do you not think Timmy has considered the source? Has he not apologised repeatedly? Has he not given you the ‘credit’ you’re due?”
I see where this is going so I raise a finger and say…
What you want, is to talk about YOU.
What YOU want is to talk about how YOU feel/felt.
What YOU want is to be the centre of attention.
If YOU need to discuss it, why don’t YOU talk to a therapist?
I thought you did those things out of concern, love and affection. Not to have something to bring up everytime you have an opportunity just so that you can say what you’ve done, and how you helped….
Subject changed….
So “closure” is it really for the “victim/survivor” or their “friends?”
a pui tardi
Ok, ciao, su che cosa è?
Now, for the past few nights, I’ve been in bed and asleep by 5p only per “svegliare” a un’ora empi. Whatever!
I’ve been using binaural energy to induce various states of “rest.” Last night I used the “remember” frequency. Don’t know what I hoped to remember, just wanted to see what it would do. Let’s FLASHFORWARD to a few hrs ago. I recalled with perfect clarity what I wanted to say to a languages professor DECADES AGO, but didn’t. I saw the day, what I wore, what she wore, the look on faces…as if I were reliving it again.
I recalled a conversation I had years ago. That recollection saddened me, because-well another path was taken and …
E ‘solo strano, that these two distinct, let’s take a trip back in time to … happened after listening to that certain frequency. Now as I type hurriedly, I wonder if by combining one or two of said frequencies, what effect, if any will it have on a subject. Let’s say we combine “sleep and dream” and “remember”. Humm,
What are binaural frequencies?
Binaural beats or binaural tones are auditory processing artifacts, or apparent sounds, the perception of which arises in the brain for specific physical stimuli. This effect was discovered in 1839 by Heinrich Wilhelm Dove, and earned greater public awareness in the late 20th century based on claims that binaural beats could help induce relaxation, meditation, creativity and other desirable mental states. The effect on the brainwaves depends on the difference in frequencies of each tone, for example, if 300 Hz was played in one ear and 310 in the other, then the Binaural beat would have a frequency of 10 Hz.
Have we discussed my animal guide? My animal token?
Beautiful creature, no?
I’ve been thinking about the Three Universal “Truths”. We’ll discuss those later.
Went through some old movies I hadn’t watched in a while and DUNE caught my eye….
The litany against fear is an incantation used by the Bene Gesserit to focus their minds and calm themselves in times of peril. The litany is as follows:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
a pui tardi
And I do not know why it shouldn’t make sense. Sometime yesterday I was thinking about friendship. I PRAY THEE, read the entire piece (I say that to those other than the two or three regular readers). It’s odd that I was thinking about friendship whilst having a somewhat heated – nay- impassioned (same bloody thing Drew) discussion with my mother from her 1st marriage (don’t, you’ll get confused). Well suffice it to say, I said a few things that touched a nerve and vice versa. We went at it for a few minutes, enough for me to scarf-down six of her fab-u-lous crab cakes.
(Friendship Drew….get to the point)
Ok, after the exchange, we sat across from each other and just looked for a moment. “I see what you are saying,” she said,” but I just don’t know.”
“I know what you mean and believe it or not I know how you feel,” I said.
BOYAKITTY contrasting views yet acceptance of those points. Ok, this isn’t quite where I want to right now. Let’s take another stab at this.
I have always been a person with a set number of “friends.” I am not talking about “people I know” I am talking about true blue, here is my last dime, come live in my house FRIENDS. So I am thinking, of course Jay and Donna; Michelle, my oldest and dearest friend and my best friend David.
Now, I am making (does on make, no one) am acquiring a new set of friends (I think, or are they already friends by nature of their proximity to my current core?). Admittedly, it’s difficult. I’ve become so accustomed to those core individuals that I didn’t really need any one else.
Oh shyte! I am finished.
I am shucking this to the cob…
True friendship consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and value. – Ben Jonson
Of course, this does not include my online friendships.
Oh mio. Ho mal di testa ora.
a pui tardi amici
Our purpose, well one of then anyway is to learn something new everyday; to try to make the world a better place. (ok, lets all join hands and sing Kumbayah.) So, with that said, jejeje, I require your assistance with a Christian religious matter. I make no jest. I am quite serious about this.
What does the hiding of multi-hued eggs, a huge “bunny” (that honestly looks quite scary) and various confections have to do with the resurrection of the Christian saviour? I honestly don’t get it. So, without threats of my “eternal soul burning forever in the fire pits of Hell” and all of the other threats of damnation, can someone explain this to me?
I eagerly await your responses. Yeah, I could google the meaning, but, I am curious to get “real-world” answers. \o/ < I love this little guy!
That’s it. Nothing more,
All things (good or bad, helpful or unhelpful) must come to an end.
:-/
A pui tardi
And I awake to the thumping of some tribal music coming from the pub across the way. No biggie! Then this scream. It is the same woman, every bloody night she exits the pub and screeches. she is beyond pissed. I wonder if she will have a massive hangover. I’ll watch BEING HUMAN: US. And ramble on until sleep revisits.
I am beginning to make my preparations for my return trip to back VA. I purchase my ticket on Wednesday. I am kinda looking forward to the 18.5 hour trip…kinda. I set up a tumblr account to “photo” blog it along the way. I tell you this. As soon as I return to HR(Hampton Roads), I am heading to the beach. I have missed the sounds of the waves lapping at the shore, the taste of the salt spray, it will just be nice to be back at my centre of power. Jejejeje
I think I am going to try to combine a few draft posts into one. Ready? Set! Go!
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Had the oddest dream. I was sitting on a split rail fence, eating a kebab of roasted veggies and a huge crocodile jumps up and snatches my food, leaving me completely intact.
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I admit, I have this “fear” of returning. So much has changed and I fear that those changes have separated me from the past. Does that make any sense?
I fear a loss of freedom. I fear a loss of self. But, how can that be? Perhaps not a “loss” of self but a “submersion” of self.
But aren’t these the “feelings” one usually experiences when one returns “home?” oh my, “home” is not a building, it is a place where you’ve left a heart print
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Confession time…
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN EMOTION. Whoa now waitaminute… Hummm, maybe what I don’t understand are the complexities, the nuances of human emotion. I often tell people that I am emotionally distant (which really isn’t true). I believe that I just process stimuli differently, weigh the helpful and less than helpful outcome (as best as I can, with all available data) and thus react differently. But most times, I follow… (I don’t know what to call it…my “inner voice??”
I have also learned to take certain emotional cues from those around me. And sometimes that just confuses the hell out of me! enough about that…for now
¤¤¤¤
If we fill our hours with regrets over the failures of yesterday, and with worries over the problems of tomorrow, we have no today in which to be thankful ”
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My Lord Phoenix, soon to be 31…Ahhh, to be 30 anything again. Any plans? And a 6 month anniversary coming up…
and finally
aquarius
We may feel as if anything is possible today as the Moon’s entry into futuristic Aquarius encourages us to cut our ties to the past. Alluring Venus forms a cooperative sextile to radical Uranus, attracting us to new experiences. Venus, too, enters Aquarius, further detaching our desires from our emotions. Anticipation can set us on edge and a lack of self-restraint may empower us to overreach our limits and take risks we might normally pass by.
peace and long life
I was sitting this morning, listening to “the best of the 80s.”. Something I downloaded last night.
Now flashbacks notwithstanding,
OMGoddess, Van Halen’s JUMP just came on!
(Where was I?)
And the thought came to me that these past few years have been a re boot. They have been “a test.” There have been lessons in EVERY bloody stone. And what have I learned that will prepare me for whatever…?
i honestly don’t know i am going to explore this today. i may handle this in one of two ways. I may just jot “examples” and post them as they come – raw and un edited; or, compile a list and reflect and dissect, sanitise and censor, then share.
“Its all over and I’m standing pretty in this dust that was a city.” nena – 99 Red Balloons
Great goddess, lyrics like that… And the kids today say the same thing about their “music.”
a pui tardi.
Ok, we’re back. i’ve decided to add to the original post. For some reason i think that by doing it this way, it will provide some type of time line.
one thing i discovered is that one can come back from the “brink” and thrive.
modern medicine can do many things, but, NOTHING can take the place of determination and persistence and taking an active role in ones health care regime, oh yeah, faith.
i think i discovered how to sync mobile dafts to the desktop. in the status section, i believe that i have to select, draft. let’s see
The above did not work.
this re boot has also taught me that most times when people say “I don’t mean any harm,” that isn’t true. Why? Because if you consider your words carefully….
i’ve also discovered that the phase “if i were you, i would..” really means..”this is what you should do..”
humm..
