Now, I’ve something to talk about.
looking out of my window, I realise that I’ve treated this blog just like I treat my handwritten journal. I use them -religiously – for days, sometimes weeks on end. Then, one day…BAM nothing. And that of course, goes for weeks on end too! Of course, during those “nothing” periods, “something” is happening, but nothing that I’m willing to share—during the EVENT.
So, guys and gals, go put a kettle on, get your favourite biscuits and prepare to ask…WTF? 😜
- I’ve been feeling “disconnected” lately. I was standing in the kitchen a few weeks ago. My housemate and I were doing our “dinner prep dance” then all of a sudden, the feeling of being disjointed – disconnected washed over me. There I was, standing in the middle of the kitchen, feeling apart of, yet removed from the activity around me. Why? Why? Hummmm, more about that later. 13 April- I’ve identified the feeling of disconnection. I should say that I think that I’ve identified it. For the past few years, I’ve been afraid of …the next step. As a result, I removed myself from day to day face to face interactions. I pay my bills online. I shop online. My meds are delivered to me. My health is monitored remotely. So, for all intents and purposes, I had no real reason to leave the house. So, I’ve not really had any reason to engage or be engaged. As a result, those things that come so easily to others, I believe it is called “small talk” becomes a BLOODY chore. Of course that is just a thumbnail account.
- I’ve been having these internal conversations. Now, I’ve had them before. Walking ones self through a procedure and stuff like that. Well, these internal conversations have been, what I now call, ” dark side, uncensored conversations” basically, those are the meanest, vilest, most “are you a FRAKING idiot for saying -insert topic- ?” kinds of conversations. These, although disturbing, have actually assisted with my day to day interactions. That surprised the Koss out of me! LOL!!! 13 April- those internal conversations have become external and as a result, dare I say some realisations have been made. That if I could have and actually give voice to those thoughts then as a few of the “targets” have come to realise, the “shit must be bad.” Pity, that I had to paint the ugliest picture to affect change. That is a pity.
- …”There are some things about which I just don’t care. Can’t name them all here. Hummm. … … 😜”
“War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” President Jimmy Carter
- Let’s look through the ole leather bound to see, what I’ve forgotten.
- I’ve returned to my study of magic. I prefer ” magick.” More importantly, I’m back to the study of spells and talismen. That’s been an ongoing study for decades now.
- Ran into an old sci-fi club acquaintance. He and I would often debate: Immortality- Pros and Cons. And one of his thoughts, is that immortality was/is some type of fountain of youth. I, on the other, contend that one would still age, but at a certain point, organs would regenerate, yada yada ya. Then the voice said, he’s talking age, you’re talking passage of time. Aren’t they the same things? “Yes and no. However, I’ve not the energy to explain.
Instead of moving forward, mankind….some of mankind seems to be moving backward. I live in a state where it will be legal to refuse service to someone if the owner/manager feels that the patron violates some “moral” code of conduct. That law seems to be sweeping the country. Most are focusing on only ONE aspect of this “moral” code. They’ve, I believe, yet to see how this can and will affect everyone. 14 April Can morals be regulated, legislated, dictated? I’d like to think that I’m a pretty moral fella. However, I don’t feel the need to practise a “mainstream” religion. I don’t care if two men or women want to marry. If the races want to mix and multiply, have at it! I don’t hate Muslims and don’t think that they are all “evil.” I don’t think that I have to accept any one deity I don’t want to accept. Some of, many of my beliefs and philosophies are so counter to this “moral code.” I guess I’m screwed! Moving on……..
I “prepared” for IT. IT didn’t happen. IT will happen. But now that IT didn’t/hasn’t happened, what to do? Of course, being grateful is first on the list, but “moving on and living” just doesn’t sum up the “what to do.” I think that is going to be a follow up discussion too.
- What am I not in the business of? Yep, that’s right!!! LOL😜😂😄 I’m not in the business of being right or wrong. HOWEVER, it is rather pleasing to be right. LOL, I know, how unevolved am I? I’m human in this moment so litigate against me. 😜😃😄😝 with that said….
- One of my TOP ONE MILLION PET PEEVES. People who have to constantly remind people “how much more intelligent and smart I am.” I just look and nod. All the while, I’m thinking, a real intellectual does not have to announce it – on a daily basis…several times a day and then seek confirmation. LOL! Meow meow
- Sexuality and sex. gender identification and orientation…are all different things. Why can’t legislators just allow “THE PEOPLE” to govern their respective personal lives? Why, is it that the country everyone runs to, or used to run to because it was the beacon to personal freedom seeks to legislate one of the MOST sacred personal freedoms; the freedom to choose who we love?
This wraps up this instalment. I may update this later. I may just tap out another one. Who the Koss knows?
- Love, in my youth, I admit I sought her out. FAIL!! As I matured, I stopped looking for LOVE and thought that LOVE would find me. REALLY, DID I REALLY THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN? So, now, I enjoy the “freedom” of having no significant other. However, there are times when I’d welcome the “shackles” of having a sig. However, as I type this, I realise that the words used are perhaps an indication of how I view romantic entanglements.😱😝😂👻
14 April – It’s time to put this baby to bed.
I’m sitting here in my chair, listening to Friday Night Dinner, gazing out my window. Realisation.. despite everything, I am of peace. That sustains me. It also sustains others. Here’s something else that I believe. I believe that through a combined force of WILL, there are groups, communities of people who are also “of peace” and through their efforts we, as a species have not wiped ourselves out. We’ve come so close. Yet…
I’ve lost that train.
I’m wrapping up with a rhetorical here.
Why is it so difficult to just do the “right” thing?
A pui tardí
With that last blog “Status update becomes a blog,” I’ve made yet another decision. I’m really tired of being bombarded by the less than helpful images and general “news” of the world on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called, so I am going to change what I want to see on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. I’m going to change what I post on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. Bye bye, CNN, ABC and the like. I ❤️ ya Huffpost, but you gotta go. Let me put it this way. If it’s not music related, family related, garden related and basic general stuff; I’m not going to post it. After all I don’t and people should not get their “news” from Facebook, Twitter, Flickr and the like.
We’ll see how this works..
✌️ my siblings from another mother✌️
Wow, I’ve been sitting here, reading “news” posts and listening to sound bites from various politicians. I’m shaking my head until I almost gave myself whiplash. I’ve asked myself a few questions.
1. When was the last time I believed ANY POLITICIAN?
2. What LIES and rations of half truths (LIES) will spew from their lips?
I can not remember the last time I believed anything any one of them have said. Wow, that’s sad.
I’ve no faith in the government or the politicians who were “elected” for the people and by the people. When it appears that they just don’t give a fuck about the people. (Sorry for the profanity. No I’m not sorry.) Wow….
✌️I don’t need to move anywhere. Because it appears that all governments are corrupt.✌️
I’ve lost my “spark.” I know it. I feel it. It’s gone. I’ve tried to no avail to re-ignite it, but it’s gone. The things that gave me some measure of joy, those things mean nothing to me now or the amount of pleasure derived from these things has diminished. I mouth words of affection and adoration, but the feeling behind them is hollow. I mean them, but the passion and emotional energy is feigned.
I am reminded of some lyrics from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel! I want the fire back!
Oh well, a pui tardi.
I’ve been relying heavily on the Litany against Fear of late…
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
ZOMG! I’m feeling a photo/quote mash-up in the near future.
It is not my goal to be cryptic, but I am SUPER excited about something that will change my life…forever! However, along with the excitement, Fear hovers in the background. In two weeks or so (I’ve created an alert to remind me to revisit this) I’ll be in a much better position to share. I hope.
I am also calling upon my many bookmarks and electronic post it notes of quotes, affirmations and incantations.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie
The above quote rings so clearly to me as just a few days ago I realised that I had been stuck in “second gear.” I was stuck because I allowed Fear in. Fear clouded my mind with indecision. The moment, the SECOND after I made a move…I was ready for the next step.
Well, I can only beat this horse so much. (No, I don’t beat animals) With that said…
“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Benjamin Franklin
Now, let’s switch gears. I knew that I was ill. I NEVER had any idea just how ill I was. That was until I reviewed my medical records. We are talking about major systems shutdown. According to the records, I was a member of the walking dead. WOWZERS! When the staff voice their surprise and awe that I still walk amongst them I now know why.
A suggestion, if you have access to or can get access to your medical records, you should do so. If for nothing else to have an idea of what all of those tests really mean. Plus, I understand that it can be used to communicate with your healthcare professional. THAT would be awesome because as symptoms happen they can be documented and addressed at your next appointment. The possible uses for are endless. I’ve used that information to put on a “carry always” medical info card. Because my mobile locks itself after five minutes. (I also carry a flash drive with most recent MRI and CT scans and medications) I like to prepare just in case something happens and I am unchaperoned.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read something that just made you feel creepy, gross? Well, I have. A few days ago, I read a profile that just made my flesh crawl. The oddest thing is that there wasn’t really anything particularly harsh or profane. I just felt…..yucky after reading it.
I can’t think of anything else to prattle on about. So I’m going to end with an Alanis Morissette song mash-up…
I wake up and first things first
I’m of service
I make sure your needs are met, I’m so selfless
I give hard and serve hard and now I, I need a break
I give in, I give all and now it’s time to regenerate
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
Today’s all about me, all about how I’m feeling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Wowzers, today, I returned to the workforce after a year plus of being away. It was a test I set for myself. I’ll say that on the standard A B C D F grading scale I’d give myself a C. I will admit it was fun to move around in the world again. However, I will be unable to move tomorrow. 😜😬
I learned the art of being a DJ. I always thought that it was a rather simple job. I mean how difficult can it be to play records (tapes, CDs, mp3s, etc) right? Well there is SO much more to it. The right playlist; the right games. One must know how to not only entertain today’s sophisticated child, but also the parents of said child. It was an enjoyable few hours. I will admit, it’s not something I’d be able to do again anytime soon.
Another discovery. I can not effectively metabolise nutritional bio-matter if I am overheated. I’ll spare you the details. But I honestly do not know if it was the overheating OR that I’ve not had fast food (burger, fries and a fizzy drink) in months and my body rejected the pseudo-“food” I had for “lunch.”
Fast forward a few hrs later…
Sweet potato fries, oven baked garlic and herb pork chops, fresh tomato and cucumber salad for dinner..all prepared lovingly by me. YUMMY! Have I mentioned that I do like to cook?
Well I am off out. Actually, I’m off in. I’m not moving from this spot (unless I have to spend a penny).
A pui tardi!