Now, I’ve something to talk about.
looking out of my window, I realise that I’ve treated this blog just like I treat my handwritten journal. I use them -religiously – for days, sometimes weeks on end. Then, one day…BAM nothing. And that of course, goes for weeks on end too! Of course, during those “nothing” periods, “something” is happening, but nothing that I’m willing to share—during the EVENT.
So, guys and gals, go put a kettle on, get your favourite biscuits and prepare to ask…WTF? 😜
- I’ve been feeling “disconnected” lately. I was standing in the kitchen a few weeks ago. My housemate and I were doing our “dinner prep dance” then all of a sudden, the feeling of being disjointed – disconnected washed over me. There I was, standing in the middle of the kitchen, feeling apart of, yet removed from the activity around me. Why? Why? Hummmm, more about that later. 13 April- I’ve identified the feeling of disconnection. I should say that I think that I’ve identified it. For the past few years, I’ve been afraid of …the next step. As a result, I removed myself from day to day face to face interactions. I pay my bills online. I shop online. My meds are delivered to me. My health is monitored remotely. So, for all intents and purposes, I had no real reason to leave the house. So, I’ve not really had any reason to engage or be engaged. As a result, those things that come so easily to others, I believe it is called “small talk” becomes a BLOODY chore. Of course that is just a thumbnail account.
- I’ve been having these internal conversations. Now, I’ve had them before. Walking ones self through a procedure and stuff like that. Well, these internal conversations have been, what I now call, ” dark side, uncensored conversations” basically, those are the meanest, vilest, most “are you a FRAKING idiot for saying -insert topic- ?” kinds of conversations. These, although disturbing, have actually assisted with my day to day interactions. That surprised the Koss out of me! LOL!!! 13 April- those internal conversations have become external and as a result, dare I say some realisations have been made. That if I could have and actually give voice to those thoughts then as a few of the “targets” have come to realise, the “shit must be bad.” Pity, that I had to paint the ugliest picture to affect change. That is a pity.
- …”There are some things about which I just don’t care. Can’t name them all here. Hummm. … … 😜”
“War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” President Jimmy Carter
- Let’s look through the ole leather bound to see, what I’ve forgotten.
- I’ve returned to my study of magic. I prefer ” magick.” More importantly, I’m back to the study of spells and talismen. That’s been an ongoing study for decades now.
- Ran into an old sci-fi club acquaintance. He and I would often debate: Immortality- Pros and Cons. And one of his thoughts, is that immortality was/is some type of fountain of youth. I, on the other, contend that one would still age, but at a certain point, organs would regenerate, yada yada ya. Then the voice said, he’s talking age, you’re talking passage of time. Aren’t they the same things? “Yes and no. However, I’ve not the energy to explain.
Instead of moving forward, mankind….some of mankind seems to be moving backward. I live in a state where it will be legal to refuse service to someone if the owner/manager feels that the patron violates some “moral” code of conduct. That law seems to be sweeping the country. Most are focusing on only ONE aspect of this “moral” code. They’ve, I believe, yet to see how this can and will affect everyone. 14 April Can morals be regulated, legislated, dictated? I’d like to think that I’m a pretty moral fella. However, I don’t feel the need to practise a “mainstream” religion. I don’t care if two men or women want to marry. If the races want to mix and multiply, have at it! I don’t hate Muslims and don’t think that they are all “evil.” I don’t think that I have to accept any one deity I don’t want to accept. Some of, many of my beliefs and philosophies are so counter to this “moral code.” I guess I’m screwed! Moving on……..
I “prepared” for IT. IT didn’t happen. IT will happen. But now that IT didn’t/hasn’t happened, what to do? Of course, being grateful is first on the list, but “moving on and living” just doesn’t sum up the “what to do.” I think that is going to be a follow up discussion too.
- What am I not in the business of? Yep, that’s right!!! LOL😜😂😄 I’m not in the business of being right or wrong. HOWEVER, it is rather pleasing to be right. LOL, I know, how unevolved am I? I’m human in this moment so litigate against me. 😜😃😄😝 with that said….
- One of my TOP ONE MILLION PET PEEVES. People who have to constantly remind people “how much more intelligent and smart I am.” I just look and nod. All the while, I’m thinking, a real intellectual does not have to announce it – on a daily basis…several times a day and then seek confirmation. LOL! Meow meow
- Sexuality and sex. gender identification and orientation…are all different things. Why can’t legislators just allow “THE PEOPLE” to govern their respective personal lives? Why, is it that the country everyone runs to, or used to run to because it was the beacon to personal freedom seeks to legislate one of the MOST sacred personal freedoms; the freedom to choose who we love?
This wraps up this instalment. I may update this later. I may just tap out another one. Who the Koss knows?
- Love, in my youth, I admit I sought her out. FAIL!! As I matured, I stopped looking for LOVE and thought that LOVE would find me. REALLY, DID I REALLY THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN? So, now, I enjoy the “freedom” of having no significant other. However, there are times when I’d welcome the “shackles” of having a sig. However, as I type this, I realise that the words used are perhaps an indication of how I view romantic entanglements.😱😝😂👻
14 April – It’s time to put this baby to bed.
I’m sitting here in my chair, listening to Friday Night Dinner, gazing out my window. Realisation.. despite everything, I am of peace. That sustains me. It also sustains others. Here’s something else that I believe. I believe that through a combined force of WILL, there are groups, communities of people who are also “of peace” and through their efforts we, as a species have not wiped ourselves out. We’ve come so close. Yet…
I’ve lost that train.
I’m wrapping up with a rhetorical here.
Why is it so difficult to just do the “right” thing?
A pui tardí
With that last blog “Status update becomes a blog,” I’ve made yet another decision. I’m really tired of being bombarded by the less than helpful images and general “news” of the world on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called, so I am going to change what I want to see on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. I’m going to change what I post on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. Bye bye, CNN, ABC and the like. I ❤️ ya Huffpost, but you gotta go. Let me put it this way. If it’s not music related, family related, garden related and basic general stuff; I’m not going to post it. After all I don’t and people should not get their “news” from Facebook, Twitter, Flickr and the like.
We’ll see how this works..
✌️ my siblings from another mother✌️
To have strangers, strangers who have been allowed to enter your “world” (or at least one of your worlds,) via glimpses of thoughts posted here or there; “know” you and comment on things long since forgotten and to express…
So, a few questions..
is there a point in time when we “become” our online identities?
is your online identity the “authentic” you or a self perception?
have you ever been called out by a “fan” to prove that you “walk the walk and talk the talk?
have you ever wondered “is this, what I’m doing worth it?” but that then leads to other questions.
i’m just curious.
hummm, now shifting gears…
i am going to admit something that some may have already guessed.
i have issues.
yes, i am aware that if one is alive, one has issues. mine are special… 🙂 😆
but there are times when there is a disconnect -brain – no, tactful brain and mouth. there are times when human behaviour baffles the bejeebers out of me. one would think I was reared by emotionless androids or something.
the other day, someone expressed “love.”
not fully understanding, i tried to gloss over it. it did not make sense. “i must have misunderstood,” i thought.
ok, so i did not misunderstand. continue
“so you’re just going to ignore what I said?”
” ‘thank you’ ???”
“i do not know how to respond.” i really didn’t.
INSERT CHIRPING CRICKETS
to make a longer story shorter, after being told why i was stunned.
as a rule, i don’t tell people how to feel or what to feel it’s not my place to tell anyone how they should feel. in this case. i could not remain silent.
“you do not know me to feel this way. we’ve never met and most likely never will. if my banter and conversations have lead you to believe otherwise, i apologise. but , if you look at it realistically, i am – to you, as you are – to me, a collection of photographs, screen captures and witticisms that don’t even scratch the surface of who we are. for you to say what you said makes no sense to me and continued discussion will only make me uncomfortable.”
that’s the gist of my reply. then the reply to the reply. then I stopped because continued discourse would only add paraffin to the fire.
this is the reason for the above q and a.
but now i am left with questions…not about that – that was just silly. but I wonder how many online “relationships (of romantic nature)” begin as such? there isn’t any way such a thing can last, can it?
heavy sigh…heavy sigh
i’m going to bed.
a pui tardi!
App developers just because you can change something doesn’t mean that you should. If it works on one device, It needs to work on them all!
But that’s not my “original” thought behind this blurb.
Have you ever felt, as if a part of you, a part of you, of which you were aware, but just didn’t give it the consideration it was due, was gone – missing-vanished?
Yeah, as I gaze out the window, watching the rain hit the puddle, I realised that something is gone.
of feeling like crap.
I am HUNGRY but can’t eat. When I say “can’t” I mean just that. The thought of consuming anything makes me hurl. I’ve gone from a healthy, pudgy 250# to a skinny 165.
I have all of these things that I want to do, but lack the energy to do them. I’ve been stuck in the house for weeks. I can’t (well, I could, but wouldn’t enjoy myself) leave. Every movement brings digestive upset of the vomiting kind. I’m dehydrated a result of the vomiting (which has been a daily event since 24 Sept.)
I am short with people, verging on being rude. Why? BECAUSE I ACHE FROM THE SOLES OF MY FEET TO THE CROWN OF MY HEAD. My buddy David is often left scratching his head, wondering why I’ve been so mean to him. And I have been. I know it.
Yes, I’ve told my physician. His usual reply, “Well Drew, you’re really sick and it’s going to take time for you to heal.” (If I’m going to heal at all). I remind him that I wasn’t this ill until I started taking these drugs. I remind him that I was COMPLETELY unaware of the tumour until I was told about it and other than “I wish for death” migraines, didn’t think anything was seriously wrong. I also remind him, that there are days when I just wish I hadn’t been told and what……just allowed to die.
I do not have a death wish. Please do not think that I’m contemplating suicide or anything. I admit, I’m too much of a wuss to actively participate in my own demise. I always thought that I’d live forever, or at least until my 100s. But truth be told, if I fell asleep and didn’t wake, I’d be ok with that.
Of course, when I feel like this I wonder why I just wasn’t allowed to die. THIS IS NOT LIVING. I only exist and that’s just barely. I try to put on a happy face. I do what I can, when I can, but just getting up to go to the loo is exhausting.
“Don’t push yourself,” I’m often told. Well if I don’t, who will?
Now here’s the cosmic rub. The Lady Donna, who nursed me back to some semblance of health, has died. She died from almost the same thing that I have. Why her and not me? The woman who filled the maternal gap after my mother died…is gone.
Ahh, I can hear someone say, “you need to talk to a counsellor.” I ask, why? Just what would a counsellor say that I’ve not already heard?
Take it one day at a time.
Remain positive. There are breakthroughs every day.
What is your faith? Draw strength from that.
Keep a stiff upper lip. At least you’re alive.
I tell you this. I’ve cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years.
But, I am thankful. I’m thankful to and for my dearest online friend, Cathy. Unbeknownst to her, I’ve received great comfort from re-reading Return to One and just hearing her voice is soothing to me. I’ve reconnected with a long lost friend from high school, Kim and chatting with her and listening to her has been a great help as well. She and I have exchanged books and play a rather heated game or two of Words with Friends. I am thankful for Jay Gill, the Lady Donna’s husband for being Jay Gill. Thomi, my ivory sister, trainer, nutritionist, guru and friend who makes sure that I know I am loved and valued. Thomi’s husband, Rob is now and will always be my hero. Like his wife, he also makes me feel safe, valued and loved. There are many others, Dan and Jeanellen and their kids, my girlfriend who just up and moved to Florida, yea Viki, I’m talking about you. Ron and Fran another power couple who put a smile on my face. I know that I’m forgetting some, but…now I’m tired and can’t focus.
With that said….
I don’t “want” to die. But if I can’t enjoy the “fullness of life” what’s the point? Really, what is the bloody point? Well, tomorrow is yet, another day. Let’s see what it brings.
a pui tardi
Today, peace is elusive. But, I’ll keep looking.
I really do appreciate those new subscribers. You folk are the best! Of, course those guys and gals who have been there/here from the beginning, you are the crème de la crème of followers ✌️😀😃😺
I’m still a medical fascination. I don’t really know what else to say other than, it’s not the best…Goddess knows, it’s not the worst, but, my “way of life” noooooooo, the “way I lived” has changed! Has it changed for the better? I don’t know. I guess that is something that….only time will tell 🙂
The Universe takes care of her own.
I’ve been super excited, super bummed for the past few days. A friend, a close friend of mine returns home tomorrow to have his worst dream realised and, honestly, I’m not really up to offering any support. It’s not that I don’t want to offer it. It’s that I just do not have it in me. I am drained, in ways I didn’t think possible.
I have a bunch of “fears” associated with this reunion as well. Now, let’s see how I can say this without sounding like a twat.
As we, individuals, navigate our way through life, lessons are learned.
As we learn these “life lessons” our experiences, our way of interacting with our community changes.
As we incorporate these changes into our lives, we “evolve.”
What if, because of separation our paths have diverged so much, that continued association would be counterproductive?
I am recalling how the last reunion went….not fondly, but not horribly either. Oh well, there is no need to borrow trouble.
Let’s see, what else?
Well, as some of you know, my mother, the woman from whose loins I sprang, died a few years ago. Her death left a hole in my soul that can never be filled. More recently, the Lady Donna, my “Ivory mother” died…in front of us…no warning. Another lurch, my world torn asunder, another hole, irreparably ripped in my soul. Wow, two of the most important women in my life gone…in the blink of an eye. I grieve, but it is more important that I live up to their legacies.
With certain realisations, my muse has returned. So, I’ve been freezing moments in time! I’ve been playing with colour -electronic style. And film, I’ve shot a few rolls of film. (I hope they come out well.) I’ll post them on my Flickr page.
Hey, something just occurred to me. I do not believe that anyone has ever answered a question asked ages ago; “To whom does the Father confessor confess?” But as I ask it again, I’m thinking that it’s probably much like “to whom does a therapist talk when he/she is troubled?”
I’ve decided to get up and go out. I it make take me an hour to get there, but I want to eat — to have a bite or two of something out. (I don’t say “eat” anymore because…..)
So, I’ll post snaps later. Fill you in on my sojourn to nutritional bio-matter. And anything else that comes to mind.
whoa did I mention that I’m considering a name change for the blog? No? Well, I am….I think it’s time for a change.
A pui tardi!
I am of peace 99.9% of the time. 🙂