Category Archives: answers

Let’s see where this goes

looking out of my window, I realise that I’ve treated this blog just like I treat my handwritten journal. I use them -religiously – for days, sometimes weeks on end. Then, one day…BAM nothing.  And that of course, goes for weeks on end too! Of course, during those “nothing” periods, “something” is happening, but nothing that I’m willing to share—during the EVENT.

So, guys and gals, go put a kettle on, get your favourite biscuits and prepare to ask…WTF? ๐Ÿ˜œ

  • I’ve been feeling “disconnected” lately. I was standing in the kitchen a few weeks ago. My housemate and I were doing our “dinner prep dance” then all of a sudden, the feeling of being disjointed – disconnected washed over me. There I was, standing in the middle of the kitchen, feeling apart of, yet removed from the activity around me. Why? Why? Hummmm, more about that later. 13 April- I’ve identified the feeling of disconnection. I should say that I think that I’ve identified it. For the past few years, I’ve been afraid of …the next step. As a result, I removed myself from day to day face to face interactions. I pay my bills online. I shop online. My meds are delivered to me. My health is monitored remotely. So, for all intents and purposes, I had no real reason to leave the house.  So, I’ve not really had any reason to engage or be engaged. As a result, those things that come so easily to others, I believe it is called “small talk” becomes a BLOODY chore. Of course that is just a thumbnail account.
  • I’ve been having these internal conversations. Now, I’ve had them before. Walking ones self through a procedure and stuff like that. Well, these internal conversations have been, what I now call, ” dark side, uncensored conversations” basically, those are the meanest, vilest, most “are you a FRAKING idiot for saying -insert topic- ?” kinds of conversations.  These, although disturbing, have actually assisted with my day to day interactions. That surprised the Koss out of me! LOL!!! 13 April- those internal conversations have become external and as a result, dare I say some realisations have been made. That if I could have and actually give voice to those thoughts then as a few of the “targets” have come to realise, the “shit must be bad.” Pity, that I had to paint the ugliest picture to affect change. That is a pity. 
  • …”There are some things about which I just don’t care. Can’t name them all here. Hummm. … … ๐Ÿ˜œ”

“War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” President Jimmy Carter

  • Let’s look through the ole leather bound to see, what I’ve forgotten. 
  • I’ve returned to my study of magic. I prefer ” magick.” More importantly, I’m back to the study of spells and talismen. That’s been an ongoing study for decades now. 
  • Ran into an old sci-fi club acquaintance. He and I would often debate: Immortality- Pros and Cons. And one of his thoughts, is that immortality was/is some type of fountain of youth. I, on the other, contend that one would still age, but at a certain point, organs would regenerate, yada yada ya. Then the voice said, he’s talking age, you’re talking passage of time. Aren’t they the same things? “Yes and no. However, I’ve not the energy to explain.

Instead of moving forward, mankind….some of mankind seems to be moving backward. I live in a state where it will be legal to refuse service to someone if the owner/manager feels that the patron violates some “moral” code of conduct. That law seems to be sweeping the country.  Most are focusing on only ONE aspect of this “moral” code. They’ve, I believe, yet to see how this can and will affect everyone.  14 April Can morals be regulated, legislated, dictated?  I’d like to think that I’m a pretty moral fella. However, I don’t feel the need to practise a “mainstream” religion. I don’t care if two men or women want to marry.  If the races want to mix and multiply, have at it! I don’t hate Muslims and don’t think that they are all “evil.” I don’t think that I have to accept any one deity I don’t want to accept.  Some of, many of my beliefs and philosophies are so counter to this “moral code.” I guess I’m screwed!   Moving on……..

I “prepared” for IT. IT didn’t happen.  IT will happen.  But now that IT didn’t/hasn’t happened, what to do? Of course, being grateful is first on the list, but “moving on and living” just doesn’t sum up the “what to do.” I think that is going to be a follow up discussion too.

  • What am I not in the business of? Yep, that’s right!!! LOL๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜„ I’m not in the business of being right or wrong. HOWEVER, it is rather pleasing to be right.  LOL, I know, how  unevolved am I? I’m human in this moment so litigate against me.  ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜ with that said….

  • One of my TOP ONE MILLION PET PEEVES. People who have to constantly remind people “how much more intelligent and smart I am.” I just look and nod. All the while, I’m thinking, a real intellectual does not have to announce it – on a daily basis…several times a day and then seek confirmation.  LOL!  Meow meow
  • Sexuality and sex. gender identification and orientation…are all different things. Why can’t legislators just allow “THE PEOPLE” to govern their respective personal lives?  Why, is it that the country everyone runs to, or used to run to because it was the beacon to personal freedom seeks to legislate one of the MOST sacred personal freedoms; the freedom to choose who we love?

This wraps up this instalment. I may update this later. I may just tap out another one. Who the Koss knows?

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜

  • Love, in my youth, I admit I sought her out. FAIL!! As I matured, I stopped looking for LOVE and thought that LOVE would find me. REALLY, DID I REALLY THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN? So, now, I enjoy the “freedom” of having no significant other. However, there are times when I’d welcome the “shackles” of having a sig. However, as I type this, I realise that the words used are perhaps an indication of how I view romantic entanglements.๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘ป

14 April – It’s time to put this baby to bed.

I’m sitting here in my chair, listening to Friday Night Dinner, gazing out my window. Realisation.. despite everything, I am of peace. That sustains me. It also sustains others. Here’s something else that I believe. I believe that through a combined force of WILL, there are groups, communities of people who are also “of peace” and through their efforts we, as a species have not wiped ourselves out. We’ve come so close. Yet…

I’ve lost that train.

I’m wrapping up with a rhetorical here.

Why is it so difficult to just do the “right” thing?


A pui tardรญ



I’ve been putting off thinking about it…

20140512-122634.jpg

That’s how much longer until I find out if all of the drugs have worked. I find out if the bleeding has stopped, if the mass has continued it’s lack of growth. (Dare I hope for a retreat? I can hope all I want!)

Wow, yesterday it was a year that I was diagnosed with this thing in my head. It was shortly thereafter, I was told that my prognosis was grim. In fact, I was told that if I made it to Halloween; it would be a miracle. Halloween came and went. The Drewster is still here. (I don’t know why I said “Drewster.” DON’T)
Then, “if you make it to the new year, count your blessings. You were/are really sick.” Well, it’s obvious that the new year has come and gone – and no, I’m not penning this from the other side, yeppers, I’m still…here.

The “emotional roller coaster” one rides when faced with pending mortality is a fucked up, vomitious, cry/rage fest that just cannot be adequately described.

So, imagine if you will; I am “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I am waiting to just fall over and expire. But that isn’t happening. I feel like I’m dying. I feel like dying, but it just ain’t happening.
(No, I’m not)

Ok, so attempts at weaving ones tattered life BACK together begins. Wait a minute!! I was going to go one way with that, but I’d rather go another.

As I attempt to re-weave threads of connections and weave new connections, I’ve been afforded a wonderful opportunity to start relationships over or to leave these relationships go. The past year has shown me, just how strong of a thread I’ve used to weave the relationship.

I’m sorry about the “weaving” I’m thinking about RTO and watching a spider spin her web, the fragile appearance to some, yet deadly to others.

Surprisingly, it has been very easy to unravel connections that have been less than helpful. Some I just stopped trying to build with them. Others, simple explanations as to why I’ve unstitched the thread…when asked.

It has been equally easy to reinforce the stitch.

(heavy sigh)

I don’t know why.
I don’t know how.
I don’t know if it was prayer.
I don’t know if it was bathing in the gifts of white light.
I don’t know if it’s my latent mutant physiology.
I don’t know if it was diet.
I don’t know why.

I do know this.
NOW is much better than THEN and TOMORROW, well I’ll worry about that..tomorrow.

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘ฝ

a pui tardi
โœŒ๏ธ

Once again, I’m lost…. :-/

App developers just because you can change something doesn’t mean that you should. If it works on one device, It needs to work on them all!

But that’s not my “original” thought behind this blurb.

Have you ever felt, as if a part of you, a part of you, of which you were aware, but just didn’t give it the consideration it was due, was gone – missing-vanished?

Yeah, as I gaze out the window, watching the rain hit the puddle, I realised that something is gone.

20140307-081139.jpg

A few things..

Hi!

I really do appreciate those new subscribers. You folk are the best! Of, course those guys and gals who have been there/here from the beginning, you are the crรจme de la crรจme of followers โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜บ

HEALTH UPDATE
I’m still a medical fascination. I don’t really know what else to say other than, it’s not the best…Goddess knows, it’s not the worst, but, my “way of life” noooooooo, the “way I lived” has changed! Has it changed for the better? I don’t know. I guess that is something that….only time will tell ๐Ÿ™‚

The Universe takes care of her own.

I’ve been super excited, super bummed for the past few days. A friend, a close friend of mine returns home tomorrow to have his worst dream realised and, honestly, I’m not really up to offering any support. It’s not that I don’t want to offer it. It’s that I just do not have it in me. I am drained, in ways I didn’t think possible.

I have a bunch of “fears” associated with this reunion as well. Now, let’s see how I can say this without sounding like a twat.
As we, individuals, navigate our way through life, lessons are learned.
As we learn these “life lessons” our experiences, our way of interacting with our community changes.
As we incorporate these changes into our lives, we “evolve.

What if, because of separation our paths have diverged so much, that continued association would be counterproductive?
I am recalling how the last reunion went….not fondly, but not horribly either. Oh well, there is no need to borrow trouble.

Let’s see, what else?
Well, as some of you know, my mother, the woman from whose loins I sprang, died a few years ago. Her death left a hole in my soul that can never be filled. More recently, the Lady Donna, my “Ivory mother” died…in front of us…no warning. Another lurch, my world torn asunder, another hole, irreparably ripped in my soul. Wow, two of the most important women in my life gone…in the blink of an eye. I grieve, but it is more important that I live up to their legacies.

With certain realisations, my muse has returned. So, I’ve been freezing moments in time! I’ve been playing with colour -electronic style. And film, I’ve shot a few rolls of film. (I hope they come out well.) I’ll post them on my Flickr page.

Hey, something just occurred to me. I do not believe that anyone has ever answered a question asked ages ago; “To whom does the Father confessor confess?” But as I ask it again, I’m thinking that it’s probably much like “to whom does a therapist talk when he/she is troubled?”

I’ve decided to get up and go out. I it make take me an hour to get there, but I want to eat — to have a bite or two of something out. (I don’t say “eat” anymore because…..)

So, I’ll post snaps later. Fill you in on my sojourn to nutritional bio-matter. And anything else that comes to mind.

whoa did I mention that I’m considering a name change for the blog? No? Well, I am….I think it’s time for a change.

A pui tardi!

I am of peace 99.9% of the time. ๐Ÿ™‚

Weaving a very messy pattern and You Tube, why I’m not avidly vlogging anymore.

These past few days are a blur and I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why. Because I no longer have a “schedule set in stone.”

I’ve been giving some thoughts to a vlog a friend shared with me a few weeks ago.

I too, was an avid YouTuber, as you well know, sometimes posting several blogs in a day. Those were the days of zzz33333, bbleaver, Loreleila, Kellyn and fckuvrymuch (aka thnkuvrymuch) or something like that and way too many others to try to name. But something happened. Life, happened. I know that in my case, relocating to a new state, looking for employment, my remaining parent dying, a really good friend going to jail, having a decade old relationship circle the drain…all took a toll. And I just didn’t “feel” like being in front of camera. Another reason, and I freely admit it, is vanity.

Vanity, thy name is Drew.

Each emotional or physical hurdle I faced, instead of, at the time, facing them. I “ate” my way through them. As a result, well, you could have called me “Tubby, Tubby Two by four.” I removed myself from both the real world and the virtual one. Actually, that removal was only a partial removal.

Vlogging was an outlet, a place to find those of like (and in some cases “unlike”) minds. Then, it was a “tool.” It was a soapbox…a global soapbox. It still is to some extent, but it is now such a commercial venture that it has lost its appeal – too me at least. I CHERISH the bonds I’ve forged with some Tubers. I’ve kept in touch with those who have not strayed from their respective paths. I believe that they have only become brighter beacons for their beliefs. But then again, these are my opinions.

So, to shuck this to the cob, I don’t know why I don’t vlog anymore. I’ve plenty to talk about. I’ve plenty of questions that need answers. As I sit here and ramble, I am thinking about YT ideas. I do know one (YouTube) that I will do. It is something that I think needs to be said and said by more people. Humm, perhaps I just need the proper push. And that push isn’t today.

It is my opinion, my belief that the United States should not involve itself in the Syrian conflict.

“If not us, who?”
“Someone else.”

Did I mention that there is no rhyme or reason to this post?

I’ve been re-visiting the “baby voice” thing. I think that why I am so bothered by it because everyone who has ever used that voice (male or female) was trying to get their way. Perhaps, “manipulation” was the wrong word. I’ll use “coerce, which is nothing more than forceful manipulation in my mind.” And I hate to be coerced into anything. I’d rather you just ask me!!! I’ve seen the women (not all) use that voice to wrap the men in their lives around their finger. I’ve seen men use it to coax another hour or two of football out of their wives. But, I’ve come to a fix for that. I just do not respond to the person using it. I “shut down.” I stare at them with a blank, empty expression and wait until they, in frustration, use the “grown-up” voice and only respond to the “adult” voice. Keep in mind, the above just could be a crock! Who really knows why that bothers me. I don’t know why. I just know that it does. It could also just be one of those things that make me less than adorable. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am ever curious. So, I’ve a few questions…
What is the big deal about gay marriage, gays in general, marijuana and the legalisation of marijuana?
Why are more people STILL talking about the Cyrus girl? Who really gives rip?
Why aren’t we talking about the “Japanese” irradiated water? Are we not concerned about the long term affects and environmental dangers?
Why has the term “restrictive democracy” been floating through my mind?

I am sure this is old news to some, but Yahoo! bought Tumblr. I am not happy at all! But, I think I may have found a way around the “blockade.” I’ll let you know if it worked.

Health Update
๐Ÿ™‚ I am responding well to the current medications. I’ve only had very mild episodes. They come and as quickly as they come, they leave.

There are some days when I am so racked with pain, that…. But once that passes, I’m ok.
That’s what I’m saying now. Because in comparison to a few months ago….I’M GREAT!!!!

My expiry date has been extended by a few more months. yay!!! \O/ of that I’m of mixed emotions.
I still can’t drive or leave the house unsupervised. (Although I did yesterday. I walked around the short block.) SIDEBAR I’ve never realised at how…conformist the neighbourhood is. There are only four styles of homes. I’ve driven through. I’ve ridden my bike through. Walking however, offered a new vantage point.

I’ve even gained 6 pounds!!! Not too happy about that either since I am still too small for my existing clothes. I don’t want to spend any additional money on new clothes. …..the decisions!

Now, if I could only sleep through the night! ๐Ÿ™‚

Thinking about putting in a Fall/Winter garden. If I decide, they’ll be container gardens. This link is to my local cooperative extension, but some of the information may prove useful. The Virginia Cooperative Extension. You may want to “Google” cooperative extension for your area.
A free gardening tip Websites and “professional” growers are a great source of general knowledge. However, do not discount the “old neighbour backyard farmer.” He/She knows the soil. They know what works in their ecosystem much better than the kid at the local big box super hardware store that just happens to carry plants. Just sayin’

I want to attach an image to this post. I just can’t find “the image.”

20130910-114800.jpg and this is the image…not an original snap. I found it on the inter-webs, but the colour edit by Snapseed.

I’m really pleased to be around for iOS7. I am over excited about its release and will most likely be disappointed. Unless there are serious upgrades to Siri, from what I can see, these updates are cosmetic in nature. (from what I’ve read at least)

Last but certainly not least!
Thank you new subscribers! Thank you subscribers who have been here from the beginning! I appreciate your comments and your likes.

Well, I’m off out!

I am of peace…most of the time.

a pui tardi

I think I’d become trapped, no, I had become trapped.

and I still am, but now recognised as traps. Did that make sense?

THE TRAPS

the trap of believing that one has to be a part of a pair in order to be complete.

the trap of emotion. (Ahh, here we go)
It isn’t often that I let anyone into my most personal space…my head.

“What on Earth do you mean?”
I mean, to occupy so much of mind that they become all I think about. That I wonder what they’re doing every minute of the day.

That was just too freakin odd. And I did not like that at all.

the trap, that, I think many people feel today. the trap of “what’s the sodding point?”

You know what, don’t feel like listing all of the traps. Let’s just lump it into the trap of LIFE.

But, as usual, the UNIVERSE parted the veil so that vision could be cleared….

The moment I let go of IT, was the moment I got more than I could handle.
The moment I jumped off of IT, was the moment I touched down.

I happened to be listening to Alanis Morissette this morning whilst driving somewhere. And the moment I sang those words….a sigh of relief.

So I’m letting go of IT.

that is today, right now as I write this

Oh, 2013 is the year of write and post. No editing, no self censoring. Just sayin’.

I am of peace

ths is a POINTLESS ramble blog

This image HAS nothing to do with anything to be discussed, or does it? Afterall, I chose this image…perhaps my subconscious……

20120724-135612.jpg

i just don’t know what to make of anything anymore.

people are strange, you can never second guess

a line from Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day by my most FAVOURITEST ๐Ÿ™‚ trip-hop band Morcheeba

Ok, lets see, where to begin. Oh, I just want it to be known…

I WAS TESSERACT BEFORE THE AVENGERS

just sayin’

I saw this on tumblr and thought, yeah, …..

I love it when straight men are affectionate with each other or when theyโ€™re affectionate with gay men. I love straight men who are open/loving like that because if I see that youโ€™re uncomfortable with being affectionate in that way Iโ€™m going to assume that youโ€™re uncomfortable with a lot of other things too. I need you to feel comfortable with hugging or complimenting a guy without saying โ€œpauseโ€ or โ€œno homoโ€โ€ฆthatโ€™s not cute.

I saw that and thought true.
BUT, it does not need to have the orientation qualifier….if all people would be more affectionate, more compassionate……

Well, I started this days ago. Better post it….

But before I do…let’s see if I can find a quote about trust…

Albert Schweitzer said: โ€œConstant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.โ€

I’m off to work the soil. That always seems to settle my mind…..somewhat.

20120726-120424.jpg

a pui tardi