Category Archives: Cathy P

I am soooo tired…

of feeling like crap.

I am HUNGRY but can’t eat. When I say “can’t” I mean just that. The thought of consuming anything makes me hurl. I’ve gone from a healthy, pudgy 250# to a skinny 165.

I have all of these things that I want to do, but lack the energy to do them. I’ve been stuck in the house for weeks. I can’t (well, I could, but wouldn’t enjoy myself) leave. Every movement brings digestive upset of the vomiting kind. I’m dehydrated a result of the vomiting (which has been a daily event since 24 Sept.)

I am short with people, verging on being rude. Why? BECAUSE I ACHE FROM THE SOLES OF MY FEET TO THE CROWN OF MY HEAD. My buddy David is often left scratching his head, wondering why I’ve been so mean to him. And I have been. I know it.

Yes, I’ve told my physician. His usual reply, “Well Drew, you’re really sick and it’s going to take time for you to heal.” (If I’m going to heal at all). I remind him that I wasn’t this ill until I started taking these drugs. I remind him that I was COMPLETELY unaware of the tumour until I was told about it and other than “I wish for death” migraines, didn’t think anything was seriously wrong. I also remind him, that there are days when I just wish I hadn’t been told and what……just allowed to die.

I do not have a death wish. Please do not think that I’m contemplating suicide or anything. I admit, I’m too much of a wuss to actively participate in my own demise. I always thought that I’d live forever, or at least until my 100s. But truth be told, if I fell asleep and didn’t wake, I’d be ok with that.

Of course, when I feel like this I wonder why I just wasn’t allowed to die. THIS IS NOT LIVING. I only exist and that’s just barely. I try to put on a happy face. I do what I can, when I can, but just getting up to go to the loo is exhausting.

“Don’t push yourself,” I’m often told. Well if I don’t, who will?

Now here’s the cosmic rub. The Lady Donna, who nursed me back to some semblance of health, has died. She died from almost the same thing that I have. Why her and not me? The woman who filled the maternal gap after my mother died…is gone.

Ahh, I can hear someone say, “you need to talk to a counsellor.” I ask, why? Just what would a counsellor say that I’ve not already heard?

Take it one day at a time.

Remain positive. There are breakthroughs every day.

What is your faith? Draw strength from that.

Keep a stiff upper lip. At least you’re alive.

I tell you this. I’ve cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years.

But, I am thankful. I’m thankful to and for my dearest online friend, Cathy. Unbeknownst to her, I’ve received great comfort from re-reading Return to One and just hearing her voice is soothing to me. I’ve reconnected with a long lost friend from high school, Kim and chatting with her and listening to her has been a great help as well. She and I have exchanged books and play a rather heated game or two of Words with Friends. I am thankful for Jay Gill, the Lady Donna’s husband for being Jay Gill. Thomi, my ivory sister, trainer, nutritionist, guru and friend who makes sure that I know I am loved and valued. Thomi’s husband, Rob is now and will always be my hero. Like his wife, he also makes me feel safe, valued and loved. There are many others, Dan and Jeanellen and their kids, my girlfriend who just up and moved to Florida, yea Viki, I’m talking about you. Ron and Fran another power couple who put a smile on my face. I know that I’m forgetting some, but…now I’m tired and can’t focus.

With that said….

I don’t “want” to die. But if I can’t enjoy the “fullness of life” what’s the point? Really, what is the bloody point? Well, tomorrow is yet, another day. Let’s see what it brings.

a pui tardi

Today, peace is elusive. But, I’ll keep looking.

✌️

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housekeeping

Hey,

How are you? A lots been happening I see. My Lord Phoenix and his Lady wife are about to embark on the next stage of their lives together. The Hook is still WOWING us with his wit. Woman, has recovered from her meeting with …. well, you know. 🙂 and friend, mentor, poet, artist, UK guru and all around good person continues to inspire.

When I first started this, I was listening to, (I’m sorry, I was #Soundtracking) …
A Fine Frenzy – Come On, Come Out from One Cell in the Sea

I’ve told you about the mirror universe blog, haven’t I? It is primarily a blog consisting of my “artistic” endeavours. I place art in quotes, because I DO NOT pretend to be anything but an amateur.

We walked along a crowded street…..Almost Lover

I like to take photographs and I have this device that just when I’m plugged into it and the Muse, I feel like an artist. 🙂

So with that said, that’s what’s gonna go there. Photos, sketches, doodles, drawings, stuff like that.

Here, I will still explore those things that make me go, hummmmm. WTFrak??? 🙂

I think I’m also gonna just go with the flow…..who knows where it will take me, you, us.

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There is life in here…..I wonder what.

QUERY how does one “ensure” original content if you maintain multiple blogs? That’s what I am finding difficult, making sure that I’ve original content in all areas. I mean, do you really want to read the same stuff on separate sites?

Luke Bryan, that’s who I’m #soundtracking now.

Well, I’m done for now.

Thanks as usual for follow, comments, likes and stuff. You guys and gals are da best!

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5 February 2012 – 10 am

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Wow, it’s almost the end…

Ok, one way to make up for lost blogging days….post your “drafts.”
Yeah, I think I’ve posted four or five blogs left on or is it “in” “draft” status. Of course, I believe that most of the were combined in another blog, but as I said in one, “oh well.”

I’m just pleased “TO BE.”.

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Now off to read some statistical analyses. Type to you next year. 👽👽👽👽😜

a pui tardi

"What stops you from saying no or doing what pleases you?"

Thanks Cathy for the query.

1. I get tired of the constant whining and questions as to why I don’t want to do something. Keep in mind it is not usually that I do NOT want to do something. It is usually that I do not want to do it when they want me to do it…according to their schedules. So, I do it – to keep the peace. (How ironic isn’t it? I do it to keep the peace and only cause internal chaos)

2. doing what pleases me. humm, before the demands of life returned, I had a set schedule. A scheduled block of the day for “me time.” But again the demands of others, work, family cut into that time, so I do not have that time for me anymore. I make every attempt to squeeze some time in for myself. But often, it is not enough.

Something else occured to me: I give in because if not, an argument/discussion/debate ensues and any creative energy that I may have is SUCKED out and I am left with nothing. I can not create anything. My thoughts are chaotic. So I am paralyzed into immobility.

I do know what needs to be done. I am taking steps to do it.

I realise that I have to re-claim that which is mine…peace of mind. What am I prepared to do? Take this by the short hairs and place and ENFORCE boundaries (yeah, I know how you feel about walls) and if necessary remove the disruptive element from that which is my life.

I look back at some of the “work” I’ve done in the past and recall how “happy” I was, how pleased I was and still am. Yet, that joy has been replaced with… angst!

Did that answer your question?

Thanks 🙂

Hey, did I ever answer your question as to where to send your music? Please send it to my gmail acct. I can’t wait. I have the PERFECT idea for a vlog that can only be accented by the musical weaving of the Lady Cathy P. (ooo, another identity)

Thanks again!

Have a great day and make it a productive one (in your case, have a great evening)