Category Archives: consequences

Let’s see where this goes

looking out of my window, I realise that I’ve treated this blog just like I treat my handwritten journal. I use them -religiously – for days, sometimes weeks on end. Then, one day…BAM nothing.  And that of course, goes for weeks on end too! Of course, during those “nothing” periods, “something” is happening, but nothing that I’m willing to share—during the EVENT.

So, guys and gals, go put a kettle on, get your favourite biscuits and prepare to ask…WTF? 😜

  • I’ve been feeling “disconnected” lately. I was standing in the kitchen a few weeks ago. My housemate and I were doing our “dinner prep dance” then all of a sudden, the feeling of being disjointed – disconnected washed over me. There I was, standing in the middle of the kitchen, feeling apart of, yet removed from the activity around me. Why? Why? Hummmm, more about that later. 13 April- I’ve identified the feeling of disconnection. I should say that I think that I’ve identified it. For the past few years, I’ve been afraid of …the next step. As a result, I removed myself from day to day face to face interactions. I pay my bills online. I shop online. My meds are delivered to me. My health is monitored remotely. So, for all intents and purposes, I had no real reason to leave the house.  So, I’ve not really had any reason to engage or be engaged. As a result, those things that come so easily to others, I believe it is called “small talk” becomes a BLOODY chore. Of course that is just a thumbnail account.
  • I’ve been having these internal conversations. Now, I’ve had them before. Walking ones self through a procedure and stuff like that. Well, these internal conversations have been, what I now call, ” dark side, uncensored conversations” basically, those are the meanest, vilest, most “are you a FRAKING idiot for saying -insert topic- ?” kinds of conversations.  These, although disturbing, have actually assisted with my day to day interactions. That surprised the Koss out of me! LOL!!! 13 April- those internal conversations have become external and as a result, dare I say some realisations have been made. That if I could have and actually give voice to those thoughts then as a few of the “targets” have come to realise, the “shit must be bad.” Pity, that I had to paint the ugliest picture to affect change. That is a pity. 
  • …”There are some things about which I just don’t care. Can’t name them all here. Hummm. … … 😜”

“War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” President Jimmy Carter

  • Let’s look through the ole leather bound to see, what I’ve forgotten. 
  • I’ve returned to my study of magic. I prefer ” magick.” More importantly, I’m back to the study of spells and talismen. That’s been an ongoing study for decades now. 
  • Ran into an old sci-fi club acquaintance. He and I would often debate: Immortality- Pros and Cons. And one of his thoughts, is that immortality was/is some type of fountain of youth. I, on the other, contend that one would still age, but at a certain point, organs would regenerate, yada yada ya. Then the voice said, he’s talking age, you’re talking passage of time. Aren’t they the same things? “Yes and no. However, I’ve not the energy to explain.

Instead of moving forward, mankind….some of mankind seems to be moving backward. I live in a state where it will be legal to refuse service to someone if the owner/manager feels that the patron violates some “moral” code of conduct. That law seems to be sweeping the country.  Most are focusing on only ONE aspect of this “moral” code. They’ve, I believe, yet to see how this can and will affect everyone.  14 April Can morals be regulated, legislated, dictated?  I’d like to think that I’m a pretty moral fella. However, I don’t feel the need to practise a “mainstream” religion. I don’t care if two men or women want to marry.  If the races want to mix and multiply, have at it! I don’t hate Muslims and don’t think that they are all “evil.” I don’t think that I have to accept any one deity I don’t want to accept.  Some of, many of my beliefs and philosophies are so counter to this “moral code.” I guess I’m screwed!   Moving on……..

I “prepared” for IT. IT didn’t happen.  IT will happen.  But now that IT didn’t/hasn’t happened, what to do? Of course, being grateful is first on the list, but “moving on and living” just doesn’t sum up the “what to do.” I think that is going to be a follow up discussion too.

  • What am I not in the business of? Yep, that’s right!!! LOLπŸ˜œπŸ˜‚πŸ˜„ I’m not in the business of being right or wrong. HOWEVER, it is rather pleasing to be right.  LOL, I know, how  unevolved am I? I’m human in this moment so litigate against me.  πŸ˜œπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜„πŸ˜ with that said….

  • One of my TOP ONE MILLION PET PEEVES. People who have to constantly remind people “how much more intelligent and smart I am.” I just look and nod. All the while, I’m thinking, a real intellectual does not have to announce it – on a daily basis…several times a day and then seek confirmation.  LOL!  Meow meow
  • Sexuality and sex. gender identification and orientation…are all different things. Why can’t legislators just allow “THE PEOPLE” to govern their respective personal lives?  Why, is it that the country everyone runs to, or used to run to because it was the beacon to personal freedom seeks to legislate one of the MOST sacred personal freedoms; the freedom to choose who we love?

This wraps up this instalment. I may update this later. I may just tap out another one. Who the Koss knows?

πŸ˜œπŸ˜‚πŸ˜

  • Love, in my youth, I admit I sought her out. FAIL!! As I matured, I stopped looking for LOVE and thought that LOVE would find me. REALLY, DID I REALLY THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN? So, now, I enjoy the “freedom” of having no significant other. However, there are times when I’d welcome the “shackles” of having a sig. However, as I type this, I realise that the words used are perhaps an indication of how I view romantic entanglements.πŸ˜±πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ‘»

14 April – It’s time to put this baby to bed.

I’m sitting here in my chair, listening to Friday Night Dinner, gazing out my window. Realisation.. despite everything, I am of peace. That sustains me. It also sustains others. Here’s something else that I believe. I believe that through a combined force of WILL, there are groups, communities of people who are also “of peace” and through their efforts we, as a species have not wiped ourselves out. We’ve come so close. Yet…

I’ve lost that train.

I’m wrapping up with a rhetorical here.

Why is it so difficult to just do the “right” thing?


A pui tardΓ­



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Written under the influence…

…of binaural beats.
I don’t know if it’s it a bunch of bullspit or not. I went into it with the, “it won’t hurt” mindset.

After a few days, I may have to change my mind. I’ve been able to focus. I’ve been pleasant. I mean smiling and laughing with people instead of at them “pleasant.” My creativity has increased (at least I think it has.)

Could it be the binaural cocktail of “morning meditation” then a little “positive energy boost” I throw in a bit of “creativity boost.” The final beat …”pre-exercise workout.” I down that and B A M, I am ready for the morning! I shall continue with this experiment and provide periodic reports.

This is the app I use.

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Have you tried binaural beats? If “yes,” what were/are your thoughts? If, “no,” oh, ok.

I think I’m going to return to “the tube.” Ive been toying around with the idea for a few months/years now. I’d make the occasional vlog here and there. (Somehow, I’ve a second channel. I made it by mistake, if there can be such a thing. ( a “mistake, not the second channel.)
IMG_1244.JPG

I’ve discovered that my technology may be somewhat outdated. Oops, let me rephrase that some of my tech (primarily the built in camera on Laptop-O) HOWEVER, on a few test captures using the mobile, I may be able to overcome that obstacle (I finally get to put the Gorilla tripod to good use. YAY \o/ )

I am not an ungrateful person at all. No one has ever said that I was ungrateful (at least not to my face). But there are thoughts that I have that if voiced aloud make me sound it.

Just because

I am of peace

does not mean that I don’t get angry, pissed off and just downright MAD. Have I mentioned that before? No, I’m not only telling this to people who are “surprised” when I blow up; I am also telling this to MYSELF. Lately, I have been having these internal RAGES that leave me weak and ashamed. Yes, I said ashamed. I am ashamed because, these rages come with images and entire dialogues that are filled with nothing but bile and venom. In a FLASH, I kid you not, I can go from elation to caged wolverine. WTFraks up with that?

That was rhetorical. However, if you’d like to chime in, please do so. πŸ‘

I am single because I don’t put my self out in the world to meet people. I am jaded and bitter. I’ve trust issues. The idea of pair bonding does appeal to me. However, I’ve neither the time, the emotional wherewithal or even the desire to be coupled with anyone – any more. I’ve tried it. Everytime I tried it, the relationship outlived the previous. Which should be a good thing. However, that only means the “hurt” the “heartbreak” lasts longer each time. (ZOMG! My ocular implants are malfunctioning. They appear to be leaking.)

Any whooooo…

I do like my new house. I can’t quite call it home. I don’t “feel” like it is “home.” The fault lies with no one. I’ve not felt like I’ve had a “home” in decades. I can’t recall. Oh well. That’s an obsessive thought for another time.

Someone is getting the hang of the Twitter. πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜œ Yep, I’m there too. Click here > the Twitter

I should point out that just like on Instagram, I am not a “follow for follow” kinda guy. If your feed is open, I’ll check it out. And if there is something there that makes me say, hummm, I’ll hang out. πŸ™‚ just an FYI. I need to spend more “real-time” on the Twitter. The majority of my tweets are “bot” redirect/shares. Every now and again, I do have an origi thought. “Origi” jejejeje

As I gazed out the window for a bit,
My eye caught a blaze of gold and green
A splash of colour
a drop of rain
Blow winds
chill Fall breeze
Is it Fall
I only “know” BOILING and FREEZING
Wow
I see a runner
Wishing, longing, missing
I gaze
{chime chime chime}
Text message…
There’s that hurt

As I gazed out the window

by the Gods of Sky and Earth

Oh well

A pui tardΓ­

✌️

10 Things We Can Do to Contribute to Internal, Interpersonal and Organisational Peace

A few days ago, (yesterday to be exact) I decided to post those things that I find “helpful” and “uplifting.” So, today, instead of visiting those usual websites, I surfed the interwebs and found this. These are the 10 Things We Can Do to Contribute to Internal, Interpersonal and Organisational Peace

(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.

(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.

(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.

(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.

(5) Instead of saying what we DON’T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.

(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we’d like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.

(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

(8) Instead of saying “No,” say what need of ours prevents us from saying “Yes.”

(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or ourselves.

(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) would like there to be a critical mass of people using Nonviolent Communication language so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully.

2001, revised 2004 Gary Baran & CNVC. The right to freely duplicate this document is hereby granted.

a pui tardΓ­

But I don’t know you.

Let’s get to the meat of this blog. I am faced with a decision. This is a decision that honestly has me stumped.

I have to have a conversation with a few people that I never thought I would have to have at this stage of my life. The “stumped” part. No matter how I phrase it, no matter how many bows I wrap around it, feelings will be hurt and angry words will be said in the heat of the moment. I’d like to point out that these hurt feelings and angry words won’t be mine.

After 30+ years, people who share my genetic material want to reach out and become a “family.” AFTER 30+ YEARS. Of course, I wonder why. Now, my brother, my younger brother, wants to reunite. It is my opinion that he has a romanticised view of the past, a past coloured by his youth, his want to have extended family and television programming which touts the joyousness of family life.

My problem, I have NO DESIRE to reconnect. NONE WHATSOEVER! I hold no bitterness or avarice toward any of them. I just don’t want to waste the emotional and physical energy. PERIOD! I will admit that I caved in and accepted a friend request but, I’ve made no attempt other than the initial “hello” via messenger.

The other stump, I do not want to ruin my brother’s reunion. People do change and perhaps they have. I think that it is important for him to try to develop a relationship with these people so that he can judge for himself. ZOMGoddess, it just occurred to me that he, my brother, wants me there just in case, the dream is in fact a nightmare. He will have someone on his “side.” That may or may not be true.

I’ll make make attempts to ….no I won’t. I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to do a damn thing. I’m going to try a technique that I’ve seen many others use. I am not going to do anything. Of course I know that by not doing anything, that I am doing something. (Yes, I acknowledge my passive aggressive approach.)

I don’t know these people. 30 + years is a LOT of water under the bridge. I’ve NO warm and fuzzy feeling about a reunion. I’m feeling something. I just don’t know what I’m feeling. I do know that I believe that I have no desire to get to know these people. That’s it! PERIOD

I keep bumping on “feelings.” I wonder if this choice of inactivity is the correct choice. I wonder if I DO have some deep seeded…something. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

Oh well, the Universe shall guide and provide, she always does.

I AM of peace!

a pui tardΓ­

PS. Hello Milady! How are you? You’ve been weighing heavily on my mind of late.

✌️

Greetings and well met!

Hey! How are you?
I am forever trying to get the most out of my blogging experience ….and failing miserably. But, I’ve another idea.

first

In my mind, before the lights turned on, or what I perceive as a moment of clarity, more like a “pagh’tem’far.”

my blog does not have to be paragraphs long to communicate what my “heart” needs to say.

I can use as many or as few words as I want.

So, with that said, I’ve another ……

20140404-115903.jpg days remaining on the another bulk of meds!

so here’s what I’m gonna do…

38 days – 38 post
Some may be a word.

Some a long rambling story that has no meaning to anyone but the teller and those present

a pui tardi
THANK YOU!!!
Grazie!

I am…of peace.

I’ve been tested and was found lacking/ When “good” people think “bad” thoughts and a general WTF?????

PICTURE IT, Virginia Beach, Virginia 2013….

I’m in my quarters, minding my own business and I was asked a silly question. NOW, I realise that it was a test…..NOW I realise that. Then I did not. In my annoyance, I, Drew, snapped!

“Why would you ask me a stupid question like that, I bellowed?”


Keep in mind friends, that she used that IRRITATING, cutie baby voice that I’m discovering a lot of grown women think is cute when trying to manipulate a male, a voice that DRIVES ME CRAZY.

Keep in mind friends, I hear the little voice in my head saying; “Check your tone. Check your words. Check your attitude. Breathe….. breathe….breathe!”
But something, just kept pushing me…forcing me to…be the ginormous arsehole that I can be, have been and most likely will be in future.

Why ask that?

Who said that about you?

Why do you constantly need the adoration of people who don’t care if you’re dead or alive?

What, you’ve not received the amount of attention required to make you feel complete?

What, do you need ANOTHER pat on the back to build your ego?

What is the fucking purpose of this dialogue?

What do you want me to say?

I don’t have time for this shit, get the fuck out of my face.


She fled and the wretched thing about it, I then followed her through the house…badgering, picking, antagonising until, in a stream of tears and sobs, she literally runs out of the house.
With no one else left on which to pick, reason set in and I started questioning my behaviours.

“Drew Alden, what the frak just happened there?”
“Drew Alden, WTF?”
“Drew Alden, did you stroke out for a minute?”
“Drew Alden, can we say MPD?”

After reflection…
The question was NOT what ticked me off. But as I re-read this, the question itself was but one catalyst. Additional factors were the way it was asked (that bloody voice). Her sanctimonious expression she used (one that should have told me that she needed ego stroking; an expression she used before when needing to have her ego stroked).

Just her entire carriage offended me and I lashed out!

But why Drew? Nothing has changed, she is now, what she was then and what she will be in future.

I believe it is because I’ve never one who sought out accolades and it baffles me when some only do “helpful” things when they will reap some reward, be it tangible or intangible. I’ve never really had that problem. If I believe that my motives are pure, I don’t really give a rip what anyone else thinks. I have never been one who required the consensus of his friends in order to make a decision. When I do something, I do it for the cosmic return of helpful energy. I was stunned, amazed, baffled and a few more adjectives that I can’t recall. BUT WHY???

I can’t answer why….right now. Perhaps in a few weeks, it will all be made clear.

Now, on to another thing…

Have you ever had a thought, one that is “so unlike you” that it baffled you?

Whoa, what was I thinking
Why did that come to mind?
Could I really do that to someone and keep them alive?
Can one do that and keep a person alive?
Would he/she really be missed?
I could cut you from navel to nose and not sweat a drop.

You know, thoughts like that! I won’t mention the other thoughts I’ve had. Let’s just say that it would make any alleged thoughts had by Caligua (minus the incest) seem virginal. (Is that even a word, "virginal?")

I just find it odd, that these admittedly violent thoughts enter my head and for a moment I play them out. I look for areas of improvement. I see the events unfold before my eyes. :-0 momentary contact with a parallel universe perhaps? πŸ™‚ However, when reason returns… πŸ™‚ that and the fact that I’m too pretty for prison. LOL!!!

As I type, I am reminded of an episode of Star Trek where Spock (TOS), no, it was Tuvok (Voyager), humm perhaps it was T’Pol (Enterprise) (it was one of those Vulcans) who said that it is not the destruction of emotions, but its mastery of emotion that Vulcans seek. To master those less than helpful thoughts, feelings, musings into something helpful. Oh well, that thought is gone!

I have a LOT of things I need to wrap up! I’ve projects on my desk, desktop and in various places in the yard that need to be completed soon before I take on anything else. I also have some vlogging to do. Busy busy busy..

I did tell you that this was going to be a “WTF” entry. A hodgepodge of thoughts if you will.


Oh, the latest piece commissioned by the Lady Donna.

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For some reason, I decided to overlay a cloud picture. Why? Because I could. πŸ˜›

Oh, health update: I’m still here. I am beginning to feel a bit more like my old self more and more. The docs still won’t let me drive. I have been forbidden to return to the gym. I can’t be outside for extended periods of time and the big kick in the crotch, I need to have a chaperone whenever I leave the house. REALLY!!!!!! I’m like 1/2 a billion years old and I’m not allowed out without a playmate!!! LOL!!!! I can’t even participate in the 30 day squat challenge. Something about inter-cranial pressure, oedema (oh my goodness, oedema=dropsy, who knew?) I need to do something because I’m becoming flabbier around the middle than usual. The tumour has decreased in size (horizontally) but there is still swelling and a mysterious bleed. I’ve to schedule another MRI within the next few weeks. I discovered today, that I have HUGE gaps in memory. It isn’t as difficult, but I am still having trouble “thinking.” Additionally, there are times when an appendage will just start to shake – uncontrollably, lasting for a few seconds. However, those “seconds” feel like minutes!

Flip the script although I can’t do a lot of things, I am able to do things differently. For example, humm, can’t really think of anything right now. But I know that I am able to do some things, that I never made time for in past.

I am going to end…this entry here. The next entry, which may be posted later today, well….stay tuned…

same time
same channel
most likely SSDD

A pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.

No really, I am! πŸ™‚

I tell you that “I’m fine.” The reality…

is that I’m not. I think Paul Lawrence Dunbar said it best

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,β€”
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Today, I ache, from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet. I’ve spent the morning worshipping the porcelain goddess.

I have spent the better part of the morning, mourning for the Drew of yesteryear. Jeepers, for a man who very rarely if ever cried, that is all I seem to do. As if tears can heal. Yeah, I know tears can be very cathartic. At least that’s what I read.

You know of late, I’ve been thinking of an old television show, Logan’s Run. To shuck it to the cob, at age 30 I believe, you were killed. Or something like that. I can’t really recall.

I want it over. Yet, I want to “beat” this. I want to show how strong human determination and will are. But the energy it takes, is exhausting.

I believe that science holds the key. I believe that my faith also holds the key. Faith and science, very strange bedfellows. πŸ˜’ The physicians all say that by taking this pill and that capsule, getting this shot and that shot, they say I’ll live a long life. bollocks Having to put synthetic drugs into my “temple” every six hours…isn’t NORMAL. Having to have weekly blood tests just to make sure these meds haven’t become TOXIC….that isn’t normal.

Wowzers, of course, I want to scream, “Why me?” As if I would wish this agony on anyone else. I’ve looked back over the 46 years…..more like 26 and examined my actions to see if I “deserve” this. And if course, I see a near perfect and just life. I admit to some faults and flaws – a few missteps, but nothing to deserve …..this. But all in all I see a life lived as authentically as possible. I see a person who opened his home, heart and wallet to anyone in need. What does that mean now? Absolutely nothing it doesn’t mean a bloody thing.

Well, I’m done for today. Going to make every effort to escape this room. But honestly, that ain’t gonna happen.

Despite the pain and misery, I am of peace.

Ciao ciao!