Category Archives: dreams

I am a liar, plain and simple.

I put on a happy face.
I say, “I’m fine, doing much better.”
Sometimes, I lie to myself.

I say to myself, “today is going to be a better day.”
And, admittedly, it is.
Until I move.

I’m not fine.
My body is broken.
My brain betrays me…almost 24/7.
I ache physically.
I ache spiritually.
I ache.

My senses betray me.
Is this real?

I am a liar.
I’m not fine.
I am dying.
Yeah, I know.
We’re all dying.
It’s the normal conclusion to existence.
Mine is accelerated.

If everything is going to be “ok,”
Why as I type this
Tears are streaming down my face?

I am a liar to those who ask after my health.
I am not “fine.”
It’s not going to be “ok.”
I am going to die.
I am.

I don’t want to.
I’ve not thrown in the towel.
But, I’m tired.
No, not tired.
I am exhausted.

But, I’ll get up.
Wash my face.
Put on a smile.
And say,

I’m fine.
Thanks for asking.

LIAR!

Peace eludes me today.

Ciao, ciao
A pui tardi.

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ON THE BLOODY INTERNET!!!!

I am a bit angry no perhaps angry is a bit strong.

Just received an “event” alert about a major change in a friends life. AND I FIND OUT ON FACEBOOK. WTF?????

20111126-072627.jpg

A new app, hummmmmm

One can NEVER be ready…

Wow, last year this time I was in Atlanta, nursing my mom back to health. After a year (mas o menos), I left her, a person size lighter and in a better position health-wise than I found her. Soon, I will return to Atlanta to bury her. Which is just odd to me as we were laughing and goofing off together on Monday.

Now, what’s even odder is that unless things happen differently, there are “steps” to this expiration.

Remove her from the ventilator is the first step.

So, well see where that leads us.

but I don’t know what politics is

And I awake to the thumping of some tribal music coming from the pub across the way. No biggie! Then this scream. It is the same woman, every bloody night she exits the pub and screeches. she is beyond pissed. I wonder if she will have a massive hangover. I’ll watch BEING HUMAN: US. And ramble on until sleep revisits.

I am beginning to make my preparations for my return trip to back VA. I purchase my ticket on Wednesday. I am kinda looking forward to the 18.5 hour trip…kinda. I set up a tumblr account to “photo” blog it along the way. I tell you this. As soon as I return to HR(Hampton Roads), I am heading to the beach. I have missed the sounds of the waves lapping at the shore, the taste of the salt spray, it will just be nice to be back at my centre of power. Jejejeje

I think I am going to try to combine a few draft posts into one. Ready? Set! Go!

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Had the oddest dream. I was sitting on a split rail fence, eating a kebab of roasted veggies and a huge crocodile jumps up and snatches my food, leaving me completely intact.

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I admit, I have this “fear” of returning. So much has changed and I fear that those changes have separated me from the past. Does that make any sense?
I fear a loss of freedom. I fear a loss of self. But, how can that be? Perhaps not a “loss” of self but a “submersion” of self.
But aren’t these the “feelings” one usually experiences when one returns “home?” oh my, “home” is not a building, it is a place where you’ve left a heart print

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Confession time…
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN EMOTION. Whoa now waitaminute… Hummm, maybe what I don’t understand are the complexities, the nuances of human emotion. I often tell people that I am emotionally distant (which really isn’t true). I believe that I just process stimuli differently, weigh the helpful and less than helpful outcome (as best as I can, with all available data) and thus react differently. But most times, I follow… (I don’t know what to call it…my “inner voice??”
I have also learned to take certain emotional cues from those around me. And sometimes that just confuses the hell out of me! enough about that…for now

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If we fill our hours with regrets over the failures of yesterday, and with worries over the problems of tomorrow, we have no today in which to be thankful ”

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My Lord Phoenix, soon to be 31…Ahhh, to be 30 anything again. Any plans? And a 6 month anniversary coming up…

and finally

aquarius

We may feel as if anything is possible today as the Moon’s entry into futuristic Aquarius encourages us to cut our ties to the past. Alluring Venus forms a cooperative sextile to radical Uranus, attracting us to new experiences. Venus, too, enters Aquarius, further detaching our desires from our emotions. Anticipation can set us on edge and a lack of self-restraint may empower us to overreach our limits and take risks we might normally pass by.

peace and long life

Public transpo: the rain has returned and yeah, some dreams can be prophetic (is that the word?)

Well, well, well

Someone speaks ill of the drewster. WHAT’S NEW???? I shared the vermin and snake dream with you yesterday. Went online to research the “meaning.” lol snakes = someone speaks ill of you. (haven’t gotten to the rat part yet). I am not too concerned, if they are talking about me, that will spare someone else. So it’s all good. Re: that, as long as I know that my motives are pure and without malice, the opinions and foul mouthings of others mean little to me… hehehe as much as a June bug in July. hehehe

I’ve mentioned the penance given to me. Well, I am still working that program…HOWEVER, I could not help myself, yesterday, I had to, and yes I say “had to” stop holding back and tell a colleague something that she didn’t want to hear. I think the message was received. So today will be the test. Now, before you start, I was nice about it. No yelling; no trying to make her see it my way…just the facts as they have been presented to me (skewed by the deliverer, as all “facts” are when told by a “wounded” party). And, I think I have a wonderful way to sweeten any .. Can’t think of the word. I usually start out by saying (this might ring familiar to a certain someone,) “I am not in the business of being right or wrong…” I’ve found that by starting with that sentence, it makes the medicine go down a bit easier.

Now to the fun stuff. I ruined a pair of Italian leather shoes today (not really fun, but…). Water damage. It wasn’t raining when I left the crib (hehehehe) this morning and then Zeus decided, let it rain..and it did!

Found some lost music last night, so I’ve added another 15 gigs of music to my music library. Yea me!! Now to get media player to accept and label the selections. Yea me!!!

Well, empaths beware, my work is a breeding ground for negative mojo today…RED ALERT, RED ALERT. Shields up, man how can one be so pissed 1st thing in the morning. Even when I drove to work in the rain, hating every min, I would at least say “good morning.” oh well, no hair off my back.

Later

Oh, have a great day, afternoon, evening and make it a productive one!

SIDEBAR: Oh well, it really doesn’t matter . 🙂

Ciao ciao

the WILL and the WORD

sent using i617 technology

cell phones and dreams

consider this if you will…

can/do cell phones “amplify” or even perhaps distort… something…i’ll call it the dream frequency?

going through journal entries, I have made what I think is an interesting discovery.. every time I sleep with the cell next to my pillow (so I can hear the alarm) I have the oddest dreams.

last night wasn’t different. Last night, I was passing out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and jars of Mrs Fannings bread and butter pickles to people. no rhyme or reason…i walked past you, you got a sandwich and a jar of pickles.

so to add some “scientific” validity to my statement/question, I am going to continue to have the phone next to me for the remainder of the week…let’s see.

have a great day and make it productive one.

good morning world, glad to see you up and about

dreams

last night was a night filled with odd dreams. no flights of fancy. no superhuman powers – just odd.

one was of me sitting in my chair and watching as history replay itself before me. what can I liken to to? a movie played in fast forward .

the other was of the various people in my life asking if I was ready for the next step. what next step? ? no answers just the question, “are you ready.”

humm, I wonder.

later taters!