Category Archives: fear

Sigh, heavy sigh

I’ve lost my “spark.” I know it. I feel it. It’s gone. I’ve tried to no avail to re-ignite it, but it’s gone. The things that gave me some measure of joy, those things mean nothing to me now or the amount of pleasure derived from these things has diminished. I mouth words of affection and adoration, but the feeling behind them is hollow. I mean them, but the passion and emotional energy is feigned.

I am reminded of some lyrics from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel! I want the fire back!

Oh well, a pui tardi.

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I will admit, Fear has entered my heart

I’ve been relying heavily on the Litany against Fear of late…

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

ZOMG! I’m feeling a photo/quote mash-up in the near future.

It is not my goal to be cryptic, but I am SUPER excited about something that will change my life…forever! However, along with the excitement, Fear hovers in the background. In two weeks or so (I’ve created an alert to remind me to revisit this) I’ll be in a much better position to share. I hope.

I am also calling upon my many bookmarks and electronic post it notes of quotes, affirmations and incantations.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

The above quote rings so clearly to me as just a few days ago I realised that I had been stuck in “second gear.” I was stuck because I allowed Fear in. Fear clouded my mind with indecision. The moment, the SECOND after I made a move…I was ready for the next step.
Well, I can only beat this horse so much. (No, I don’t beat animals) With that said…

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Benjamin Franklin

Now, let’s switch gears. I knew that I was ill. I NEVER had any idea just how ill I was. That was until I reviewed my medical records. We are talking about major systems shutdown. According to the records, I was a member of the walking dead. WOWZERS! When the staff voice their surprise and awe that I still walk amongst them I now know why.

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A suggestion, if you have access to or can get access to your medical records, you should do so. If for nothing else to have an idea of what all of those tests really mean. Plus, I understand that it can be used to communicate with your healthcare professional. THAT would be awesome because as symptoms happen they can be documented and addressed at your next appointment. The possible uses for are endless. I’ve used that information to put on a “carry always” medical info card. Because my mobile locks itself after five minutes. (I also carry a flash drive with most recent MRI and CT scans and medications) I like to prepare just in case something happens and I am unchaperoned.

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Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read something that just made you feel creepy, gross? Well, I have. A few days ago, I read a profile that just made my flesh crawl. The oddest thing is that there wasn’t really anything particularly harsh or profane. I just felt…..yucky after reading it.

I can’t think of anything else to prattle on about. So I’m going to end with an Alanis Morissette song mash-up…

nothing owed

I wake up and first things first
I’m of service
I make sure your needs are met, I’m so selfless
I give hard and serve hard and now I, I need a break
I give in, I give all and now it’s time to regenerate

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Today’s all about me, all about how I’m feeling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Random “vedekdrew/Drew” trivia, part one of ???

If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Trick question.

What does your latest text message from someone else say?
It’s already 80 here and of course I’M BOILING!!!

Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
It depends on my mood

If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
One of three things, either gardening, looking at the sky or taking pictures.

Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind….sometimes I’ll snap a gpom

What does your URL mean?
It’s my online identity. It comes from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. A “Vedek” (comparable to a Cardinal or a Bishop) is the second highest level of the Bajoran religion, also make up the Vedek Assembly, the committee which is responsible for the spiritual issues of the Bajoran people. And Drew, well that’s another identity. 🙂

Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yes, one Summer almost every week-end

Who is your celebrity crush?
I have a “man crush” on Scott K. Foley. I also adore Kate Mulgrew

How do you vent your anger?
Depends on what or at whom I am angry.

Do you have a collection of anything?
I collect post cards

Yeah, it’s that time #photoadayApril

A few hrs early, but it’s in the bag…been put to bed.

#photoadayApril

Gearing up for…..

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Happiness = Security … or does it?

Wow, once more into the fire.

Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?

Well, my “security” was taken away today.

(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)

Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”

But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…

Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”

“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”

Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.

Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )

Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )

Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)

Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)

Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)

But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”

So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?

Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?

Oh well, a pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.

Fear and Love – MORCHEEBA

We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true

We can live in fear
Extend ourselves to love
Or we can fall below
Or lift ourselves above

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it’s not always that clear

I always try so hard
To share myself around
But now I’m closing up again
Drilling through the ground

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it’s not always that clear

I’d love to give myself away
But I find it hard to trust
I’ve got no map to find my way
Amongst these clouds of dust

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it’s not always that clear

But it’s not always that clear
But it’s not always that clear
But it’s not always that clear
But it’s not always that clear

….. just sayin’

Candy, multi-hued eggs and a mutated rabbit; how does this relate to the resurrection?

Our purpose, well one of then anyway is to learn something new everyday; to try to make the world a better place. (ok, lets all join hands and sing Kumbayah.) So, with that said, jejeje, I require your assistance with a Christian religious matter. I make no jest. I am quite serious about this.

What does the hiding of multi-hued eggs, a huge “bunny” (that honestly looks quite scary) and various confections have to do with the resurrection of the Christian saviour? I honestly don’t get it. So, without threats of my “eternal soul burning forever in the fire pits of Hell” and all of the other threats of damnation, can someone explain this to me?

I eagerly await your responses. Yeah, I could google the meaning, but, I am curious to get “real-world” answers. \o/ < I love this little guy!