I’ve lost my “spark.” I know it. I feel it. It’s gone. I’ve tried to no avail to re-ignite it, but it’s gone. The things that gave me some measure of joy, those things mean nothing to me now or the amount of pleasure derived from these things has diminished. I mouth words of affection and adoration, but the feeling behind them is hollow. I mean them, but the passion and emotional energy is feigned.
I am reminded of some lyrics from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel! I want the fire back!
Oh well, a pui tardi.
and I still am, but now recognised as traps. Did that make sense?
the trap of believing that one has to be a part of a pair in order to be complete.
the trap of emotion. (Ahh, here we go)
It isn’t often that I let anyone into my most personal space…my head.
“What on Earth do you mean?”
I mean, to occupy so much of mind that they become all I think about. That I wonder what they’re doing every minute of the day.
That was just too freakin odd. And I did not like that at all.
the trap, that, I think many people feel today. the trap of “what’s the sodding point?”
You know what, don’t feel like listing all of the traps. Let’s just lump it into the trap of LIFE.
But, as usual, the UNIVERSE parted the veil so that vision could be cleared….
The moment I let go of IT, was the moment I got more than I could handle.
The moment I jumped off of IT, was the moment I touched down.
I happened to be listening to Alanis Morissette this morning whilst driving somewhere. And the moment I sang those words….a sigh of relief.
So I’m letting go of IT.
that is today, right now as I write this
Oh, 2013 is the year of write and post. No editing, no self censoring. Just sayin’.
I am of peace
Simply put, I quit, I give up on trying to communicate AUTHENTICALLY. Not with everyone, just those who would rather, “wish and hope and dream about days gone by and refuse to wake up and smell the SHIT of the world around them. The voice told me last night (and reminded me this morning,) to “just fucking stop. You are not insane now, but you will go batty if you continue to try to have any type of real and genuine conversation/communication/exchange with anyone WHO REFUSES to view the world through anything than those permanently attached rose coloured classes.” I was reminded that I’ve tried to no avail to facilitate “honest” communication. So, I’m done. I – AM – DONE! After more than a decade, of doing thisI AM DONE!
Ahhh, with this decision, I’ve realised that….
Time will be saved.
No more fluff conversations.
I won’t walk away feeling as if my ability to communicate is flawed. (and it could very well be)
The dread in speaking with you….no longer exists.
Wait, I’m receiving instruction.
My reaction will be to smile, nod my head in mute acknowledgement and go to my happy place.
a pui tardi amici, a pui tardi
Ok, today I had the biggest freak out moment. The cause, (see above image). You see, I left the house without it.
Over the holidays, my niece and I often joked about how we had iPhone in our blood. She, her mom and I joked about how we wake in the middle of the night, just to touch it.
“I need to phone Donna about…”
“ahhh, the light is striking that trolley….”
“what was the name of that song?”
“I could Google that.”
“I need that app.”
“Crap, did I reply to that e-mail?”
“Send a text message.”
“Check for e-mail”
So, now I’m at my destination. And I have no music to do my laps.
There were 100s of little things that I do using that little hand held device and I do not have it.
And for 30 minutes….I WAS LOST.
a pui tardi
Ok, one way to make up for lost blogging days….post your “drafts.”
Yeah, I think I’ve posted four or five blogs left on or is it “in” “draft” status. Of course, I believe that most of the were combined in another blog, but as I said in one, “oh well.”
I’m just pleased “TO BE.”.
Now off to read some statistical analyses. Type to you next year. 👽👽👽👽😜
a pui tardi
I am thinking about “jail-breaking” my iPod touch. Why? I want to do it. I want to see if I can do it.
Now on to other things. Can anyone answer this question? Why am I able to post images from the iPod touch, of course I can post from the desktop, but an unable to post images from my phone? I recall doing it once, maybe twice.
Can anyone help with that?
Of course I am going to try now….