Category Archives: Holding you back

A decision made and one I hope to keep.

With that last blog “Status update becomes a blog,” I’ve made yet another decision. I’m really tired of being bombarded by the less than helpful images and general “news” of the world on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called, so I am going to change what I want to see on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. I’m going to change what I post on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. Bye bye, CNN, ABC and the like. I ❤️ ya Huffpost, but you gotta go. Let me put it this way. If it’s not music related, family related, garden related and basic general stuff; I’m not going to post it. After all I don’t and people should not get their “news” from Facebook, Twitter, Flickr and the like.

We’ll see how this works..

✌️ my siblings from another mother✌️

Sigh, heavy sigh

I’ve lost my “spark.” I know it. I feel it. It’s gone. I’ve tried to no avail to re-ignite it, but it’s gone. The things that gave me some measure of joy, those things mean nothing to me now or the amount of pleasure derived from these things has diminished. I mouth words of affection and adoration, but the feeling behind them is hollow. I mean them, but the passion and emotional energy is feigned.

I am reminded of some lyrics from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel! I want the fire back!

Oh well, a pui tardi.

i am going to be all over the place with this one…

where do i want to start?
“the beginning is always a good place.”
i don’t want to go that far back.

well, it is almost a year that my life, my existence changed…forever.

ups and downs
hither and ‘yond
“life”
“death”
laughter
despair
loneliness – both complete and incomplete

as i sit here and type these words…these feelings into being….

i got up to get a granola bar and now i’ve forgotten what i was going to say. welcome to my world!!! 🙂 🙂

ahhhhh

i’ve often heard the phrase ‘the business of living’ but lately, i’ve been more concerned about or with ‘the business of death.’

i’ve discovered that there are varied ranges in cost and pomp in funeral preperation. (i now see why my mother did her advanced planning) even for the most (i think) simplest of services. (simple cremation and find a tree or a wood that wont be destroyed in months to come to make way for another mini-mall or housing complex an d spread my ashes.

i’ve seen the attempts at upselling casket liners…(really, at that point WHO THE HELL CARES???) types of caskets and/or memorial “take aways”, videos, plaques, laminated obituraries….all costing the bereaved thousands and thousands of dollars. what ever happened to the days of newspaper obituary listings. I was just AMAZED, floored, stunned, flabbergasted. Ahhhh, the little voice is speaking to me. She says…

drew, my dearest drew. funerals aren’t for the dead. they are for the survivors. the more elaborate and expensive the service, the more guilt the survivors have.

i don’t quite know what to make of that. so i’ll just walk away.

i made another jaw dropping realisation a few days ago. i wanted to sit with it, chew on it and see if the associated feelings were genuine or just poo.

i, of course decided that the feeling was genuine and from my perspective #truth. what was the realisation? i realised that in many cases….

i am a better friend to my friends than they are to me.

this is what i mean… you know what, an explanation is not really necessary. i say that not to dissuade discussion. i say it because it was/is how i felt. and we all know that there is very little logic when dealing with feelings.

and another thing.
there are times, when sitting in my chair, gazing out, i run scenarios through my head. those “if i hadn’t met ‘x’ my life would be different” kinda things.

yes, i am aware that of course things would be different. i’m not a complete goober.

i just think about how one encounter with someone – ripples through out …time.

i would murder for a lasagna and salad with a balsamic vinegar dressing. i will settle for carrot sticks and ranch dressing.

when did sex and sexuality become things used to define people? i am aware of the adage “sex sells,” but, it seems that it is everywhere now and with that the various aspects of sexuality. homosexuality, heterosexuality, asexuality, bisexuality, celibacy, abstinence, transexuality…what is the big bleeding deal? i don’t understand. that is just ONE, tiny aspect of a person. just ONE aspect. i’m walking away again.

whoa, now some states will allow businesses the right to deny service to LGBT people or anyone else who contradicts an owner’s religious beliefs. i don’t know if i am “pleased – let me explain about the use of ‘pleased’ that some bigots aren’t letting their love of the almighty dollar guide their consciences. what does it matter how someone spends their private time when they are ordering the best champagne and top tier meal? but i guess, poverty and hatred are more worthy than providing the BEST customer service to PAYING customers. great ceaser’s ghost! what the hell is happening to the world? What happened to tolerance?

i’ve discovered that i have two you tube channels. i kinda recall creating the second. i thought that i was signing in using my google account. i wasn’t. i was creating an account. oh well, i am not going to delete it. i’m thinking that it was created for some reason. i just have to figure out what that reason is. A thought was to let it be a channel for unedited thoughts/unguarded moments (as “unguarded” as one can be when being recorded). it will also be used to put what i’m reading into action Daring Greatly. i need to work on a few things and i think this may just be one of the many tools to help along the way.

i’m also going to start to minimise my online presence. what i mean by that. i am going to “shut down” some little used to not used vedekdrew sites. although i had a larger following on blogger, i believe that i’ll stick with wordpress for now. i’m kinda torn with regard to the online photo storage sites i use. flickr offers one TB of storage. i’ve already almost maxed out my dropbox account and my shoebox is best used on my portable devices.

i’ve tossed and turned with writing this. i’ve decided to go ahead.
if you’ve been following this blog/sporadic ramblings, you’ll recall that i am coming up on the one year anniversary of my…terminal diagnosis. the inoperable brain tumour/lesion/hole whatever its called. if you also recall, i shared with you that i was told that i (A.) wouldn’t live past All Hallows’ Eve (that Halloween to some). Then, I was told (B.) that if i made it past AHE, that it would be a miracle if i made it to the new year. guess what, the new year has come and gone.

well, it is 24 april 2014 and….i am still here. and dare i say it, today, i feel that all of the pain and suffering may have been worth it. (no not really)
i will share this with you. it is my opinion; it is my belief that NO MAN/WOMANshould EVERknow when they will or may expire. As the day approaches, one becomes some what paralysed with indecision. i admit, i am still ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop.’ those days when it takes every bit of reserve to just move…i think ‘today is the day.’ when i have that extra burst of energy, i recall stories of people who had that burst of energy before they died. yeah, that is where my head goes sometimes.

but, now, i’ve to decide on what is the next path for me. i am considered permanently disabled because of the inoperability of the tumour/lesion/hole thingie. but that leads to another problem. i’ll need to earn some money. living off of the investments, savings and insurance payments will eventually run out. i am unable to receive any help from the state as a result of my “income.” it is just frustrating. HOWEVER, i am much better off than others. i do not have to worry about having the electrics turned off or any of the other mod-cons. for now at least….but with this change that HAS TO BE MADE…

well. i am off out! i want to put this to “bed” and start the next one (finish the other on the clipboard.)

OH, ONE THING

there was a time, when mine was a very regimented, well-scheduled life/existence. i knew where i was supposed to be, what i was supposed to be doing, etc, etc, etc. somewhere along the line i adopted a ‘go with the flow attitude.’ i think that i am going to have to find a happy medium betwixt the two. i LIKE the idea of planning. i like the perceived “control.’ however, i also like the fluidity of the flow. arrrrrrgh

i do know that i have to return to a schedule. there are more than enough hours in the day to get what i want to complete – completed! i am going to play around with it – a schedule.

well, guess what, i am needed in another place in time… 🙂 \O/

a pui tardi

i am of peace

Greetings and well met!

Hey! How are you?
I am forever trying to get the most out of my blogging experience ….and failing miserably. But, I’ve another idea.

first

In my mind, before the lights turned on, or what I perceive as a moment of clarity, more like a “pagh’tem’far.”

my blog does not have to be paragraphs long to communicate what my “heart” needs to say.

I can use as many or as few words as I want.

So, with that said, I’ve another ……

20140404-115903.jpg days remaining on the another bulk of meds!

so here’s what I’m gonna do…

38 days – 38 post
Some may be a word.

Some a long rambling story that has no meaning to anyone but the teller and those present

a pui tardi
THANK YOU!!!
Grazie!

I am…of peace.

Weaving a very messy pattern and You Tube, why I’m not avidly vlogging anymore.

These past few days are a blur and I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why. Because I no longer have a “schedule set in stone.”

I’ve been giving some thoughts to a vlog a friend shared with me a few weeks ago.

I too, was an avid YouTuber, as you well know, sometimes posting several blogs in a day. Those were the days of zzz33333, bbleaver, Loreleila, Kellyn and fckuvrymuch (aka thnkuvrymuch) or something like that and way too many others to try to name. But something happened. Life, happened. I know that in my case, relocating to a new state, looking for employment, my remaining parent dying, a really good friend going to jail, having a decade old relationship circle the drain…all took a toll. And I just didn’t “feel” like being in front of camera. Another reason, and I freely admit it, is vanity.

Vanity, thy name is Drew.

Each emotional or physical hurdle I faced, instead of, at the time, facing them. I “ate” my way through them. As a result, well, you could have called me “Tubby, Tubby Two by four.” I removed myself from both the real world and the virtual one. Actually, that removal was only a partial removal.

Vlogging was an outlet, a place to find those of like (and in some cases “unlike”) minds. Then, it was a “tool.” It was a soapbox…a global soapbox. It still is to some extent, but it is now such a commercial venture that it has lost its appeal – too me at least. I CHERISH the bonds I’ve forged with some Tubers. I’ve kept in touch with those who have not strayed from their respective paths. I believe that they have only become brighter beacons for their beliefs. But then again, these are my opinions.

So, to shuck this to the cob, I don’t know why I don’t vlog anymore. I’ve plenty to talk about. I’ve plenty of questions that need answers. As I sit here and ramble, I am thinking about YT ideas. I do know one (YouTube) that I will do. It is something that I think needs to be said and said by more people. Humm, perhaps I just need the proper push. And that push isn’t today.

It is my opinion, my belief that the United States should not involve itself in the Syrian conflict.

“If not us, who?”
“Someone else.”

Did I mention that there is no rhyme or reason to this post?

I’ve been re-visiting the “baby voice” thing. I think that why I am so bothered by it because everyone who has ever used that voice (male or female) was trying to get their way. Perhaps, “manipulation” was the wrong word. I’ll use “coerce, which is nothing more than forceful manipulation in my mind.” And I hate to be coerced into anything. I’d rather you just ask me!!! I’ve seen the women (not all) use that voice to wrap the men in their lives around their finger. I’ve seen men use it to coax another hour or two of football out of their wives. But, I’ve come to a fix for that. I just do not respond to the person using it. I “shut down.” I stare at them with a blank, empty expression and wait until they, in frustration, use the “grown-up” voice and only respond to the “adult” voice. Keep in mind, the above just could be a crock! Who really knows why that bothers me. I don’t know why. I just know that it does. It could also just be one of those things that make me less than adorable. 🙂

I am ever curious. So, I’ve a few questions…
What is the big deal about gay marriage, gays in general, marijuana and the legalisation of marijuana?
Why are more people STILL talking about the Cyrus girl? Who really gives rip?
Why aren’t we talking about the “Japanese” irradiated water? Are we not concerned about the long term affects and environmental dangers?
Why has the term “restrictive democracy” been floating through my mind?

I am sure this is old news to some, but Yahoo! bought Tumblr. I am not happy at all! But, I think I may have found a way around the “blockade.” I’ll let you know if it worked.

Health Update
🙂 I am responding well to the current medications. I’ve only had very mild episodes. They come and as quickly as they come, they leave.

There are some days when I am so racked with pain, that…. But once that passes, I’m ok.
That’s what I’m saying now. Because in comparison to a few months ago….I’M GREAT!!!!

My expiry date has been extended by a few more months. yay!!! \O/ of that I’m of mixed emotions.
I still can’t drive or leave the house unsupervised. (Although I did yesterday. I walked around the short block.) SIDEBAR I’ve never realised at how…conformist the neighbourhood is. There are only four styles of homes. I’ve driven through. I’ve ridden my bike through. Walking however, offered a new vantage point.

I’ve even gained 6 pounds!!! Not too happy about that either since I am still too small for my existing clothes. I don’t want to spend any additional money on new clothes. …..the decisions!

Now, if I could only sleep through the night! 🙂

Thinking about putting in a Fall/Winter garden. If I decide, they’ll be container gardens. This link is to my local cooperative extension, but some of the information may prove useful. The Virginia Cooperative Extension. You may want to “Google” cooperative extension for your area.
A free gardening tip Websites and “professional” growers are a great source of general knowledge. However, do not discount the “old neighbour backyard farmer.” He/She knows the soil. They know what works in their ecosystem much better than the kid at the local big box super hardware store that just happens to carry plants. Just sayin’

I want to attach an image to this post. I just can’t find “the image.”

20130910-114800.jpg and this is the image…not an original snap. I found it on the inter-webs, but the colour edit by Snapseed.

I’m really pleased to be around for iOS7. I am over excited about its release and will most likely be disappointed. Unless there are serious upgrades to Siri, from what I can see, these updates are cosmetic in nature. (from what I’ve read at least)

Last but certainly not least!
Thank you new subscribers! Thank you subscribers who have been here from the beginning! I appreciate your comments and your likes.

Well, I’m off out!

I am of peace…most of the time.

a pui tardi

G+ to WP

I thought that I would be able to C&P my G+ post, but alas…..NO

Some earth shattering news…. Today, I received my first “blue screen error.

20111206-102115.jpg

This photo reminds me of the Star Trek epi “Let that be your Last Battlefield.” www.startrek.com/database_article/let-that-be-your-last-battlefield

I’ve lost my train of thought. That’s the “problem” with drafts. I draft it “because something more ‘important’ came up, and then I lose the momentum.

Laters!

Happiness = Security … or does it?

Wow, once more into the fire.

Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?

Well, my “security” was taken away today.

(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)

Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”

But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…

Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”

“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”

Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.

Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )

Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )

Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)

Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)

Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)

But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”

So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?

Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?

Oh well, a pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.