Category Archives: joke

My random blog for today

“What’s on my mind?” Humm, in no particular order:

A Cuppa (I think pomegranate black)

Bacon (ok, yeah all of the time)

A “perfect” job (there is one out there and I WILL find it!)

The gym- I REALLY need to go back.

Coconut macaroons (see above)

Tervis cups (an early Christmas present and I ❤ it!)

Pancakes (only three, any more and blahhh)

Almond milk (yummy yummy in my tummy)

The mating practices of the Norwegian Troll. (I don't know why)

Depending upon where one is in his/her life, a book, read many times, speaks differently each time (did that make sense?)

Standing on this table, and pulling the speaker from its mounting in hopes of silencing the bloody holiday music. Because if I hear another version of Jingle Bells I AM GOING TO SCREAM!

🙂 have a great day!

a pui tardi

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Qualche considerazione prima di alzarsi dal letto — A few thoughts before getting out of bed

Just something that has come to mind. No rhyme or reason to this.

I am sure that you’ve heard this before. “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?”

What is it with the youth, not just kids, but young adults today? What makes a person, in the prime of their life…. HATE EVERYTHING? Now, we are going to remove depression/mental illness from the equation from the start.

Now where am I going next? Just because you don’t get the girl (or boy) you want; you give up “hope?” now that’s crazy talk. Why in the name of the gods would anyone want to be saddled, chained, bound to anyone when you’re 18, 19 or even 20? What do you HONESTLY have to offer yourself, let alone anyone else at that age? LIVE LIFE.

I do not celebrate Easter, but if you do, I am ok with that! Just sayin’

A few things today.

I do not celebrate Easter, but if you do, I am ok with that! Just sayin’

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“This is the best that I can do without being fake. Honestly, I lack the emotional skills to be any happier than I am right now. I am sorry that this is not enough for you.”

My response to recent news that would have anyone else jumping for joy and shouting it from the rooftops. That is just not how I behave and to ask me to otherwise, well I won’t do that. So, deal with it!

Now don’t get me wrong, it registered, and I felt, but not enough to make a spectacle of myself. But that lead me to other thoughts and social scenes where my lack of affect made me stand out like a sore thumb.

People just don’t get that it is a MAJOR chore for me to do anything socially. It isn’t for fear of using the wrong fork or saying the wrong thing (well actually it does have more to do with saying the wrong thing, but that goes with the not understanding the intricacies of humour and wit.)

Oh well, kinda over that topic.

Last week was a busy one. Wasn’t able to get to the gym, but, had a week-long workout. With the digging and shovelling, moving this here and there, and mowing and raking. Well you get the hint. I just can’t wait until the new week started. In addition, I was able to take many of the things learned in the gym and apply them at home I will be able to return to my regular schedule. I like the break in routine; yet, returning to a set pattern is much anticipated. However, I am going to add something to that schedule. I will start riding my bike again 1st thing in the morn.

Next…..

“What are you, a fucking witch?” Not just a witch, but a “fucking” one at that!

I seem to attract the curious/hateful ones. I just don’t know why. I guess its the same as how children, animals and old people seem to flock to me. So, I am going to answer your questions in order received. Some answered with a question, just to see if you are paying attention.

1. When will we move past labels? Define witch.
2. I think this is a joke; at least I hope so? I have never ridden a broom and I don’t know anyone who has. I’ve seen a few people jump a broom or two, but ride, can’t say that I have. Do you realise how silly that would look? I mean REALLY. If anything, I like to go on a magic carpet ride. 🙂 did ya get that or is it soaring overhead on a broom?
3. I do not own, not have I ever owned a cauldron. I have done some cauldron work. Just to see what the hoopla was about. Wasn’t impressed.
4. Spells, incantations, yeah I know a few. You know a few prayers don’t ya? Kinda the same thing. If you really look at it. Really, requesting something from an “external/internal” source.
5. No, I can’t turn anyone into anything. REALLY. You’ve been watching too much Bewitched or Charmed or any of those shows that show stuff like that. But wouldn’t that be a hoot! Someone does something annoying and “poof” you’re a toad. But consider this, toads multiply at a ferocious rate. I’d much rather have one person not like me than 1,000s. (not an original thought, but…)
6. I have never sacrificed a small human or animal. I don’t Yeah, the folklore says that “witches” make sacrifices to…
7. No, I DO NOT WORSHIP SATAN. I mean, come on dude (or dudette), REALLY??? Stop watching late night television. Do you know how to use google?
8. Do I believe in God? (Which one because it appears that there are as many Gods as there are religions and just as many “holy texts”?) and it appears that more crap is done in “his name,” than in any pagan god’s name. Think about it!
9. Will I go to “heaven or hell?” Honestly, this place in which we live is hell to me. Pain, despair, hunger, war, disease, pestilence …. What is the difference betwixt my “hell” and your “hell?” As for the other place, I guess we shall see. Or will I?
10. Since I like myself soooo much, I’ve never found/seen the need to do the “coven” thing. Considering that I do not feel the need to do any group worship service thing, that would not appeal to me.
11. Yes, I’ve danced naked by the pale moonlight. IN THE PRIVACY OF MY HOME. I actually got that one. It’s a quote from one of those Batman films.

So I am thinking this is a joke. But it has been fun.

Oh, I do not like name droppers.

••••••

Do I look like an unlettered country oaf? Why do people think I am well, stupid? Why are they amazed at what I know?

a pui tardi

but I don’t know what politics is

Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?”

Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”

Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit.”

"Truisms"

I am still in between tasks and waiting. So, enjoy…


1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

5. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

7. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

8. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

9. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

10. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

11. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

12. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

13. Was learning cursive really necessary?

14. LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

16. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

17. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

19. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

20. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

21. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

22. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

23. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

24. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

25. Bad decisions make good stories

26. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

27. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

28. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….

29. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

30. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

31. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

32. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

33. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

36. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

37. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles.

38. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

39. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

40. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

41. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

42. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Ahhhhh, scanning complete, ready to proceed. Splendid!

Well it is back to work for me!

Ciao ciao!

Annoying Things To Do On A/an Lift/elevator

CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”



STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.



WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.



GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.



MEOW occasionally.



STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” – and back away slowly



SAY -DING at each floor.



SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.



MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.



STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”



WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”



TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.



DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”



WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.



PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.



ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.



HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”



DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”



BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.



PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.



SWAT at flies that don’t exist.



CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

Yes, I am bored! Listening to Miss Olivia Newton-John.