Category Archives: life

I will admit, Fear has entered my heart

I’ve been relying heavily on the Litany against Fear of late…

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

ZOMG! I’m feeling a photo/quote mash-up in the near future.

It is not my goal to be cryptic, but I am SUPER excited about something that will change my life…forever! However, along with the excitement, Fear hovers in the background. In two weeks or so (I’ve created an alert to remind me to revisit this) I’ll be in a much better position to share. I hope.

I am also calling upon my many bookmarks and electronic post it notes of quotes, affirmations and incantations.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

The above quote rings so clearly to me as just a few days ago I realised that I had been stuck in “second gear.” I was stuck because I allowed Fear in. Fear clouded my mind with indecision. The moment, the SECOND after I made a move…I was ready for the next step.
Well, I can only beat this horse so much. (No, I don’t beat animals) With that said…

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Benjamin Franklin

Now, let’s switch gears. I knew that I was ill. I NEVER had any idea just how ill I was. That was until I reviewed my medical records. We are talking about major systems shutdown. According to the records, I was a member of the walking dead. WOWZERS! When the staff voice their surprise and awe that I still walk amongst them I now know why.

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A suggestion, if you have access to or can get access to your medical records, you should do so. If for nothing else to have an idea of what all of those tests really mean. Plus, I understand that it can be used to communicate with your healthcare professional. THAT would be awesome because as symptoms happen they can be documented and addressed at your next appointment. The possible uses for are endless. I’ve used that information to put on a “carry always” medical info card. Because my mobile locks itself after five minutes. (I also carry a flash drive with most recent MRI and CT scans and medications) I like to prepare just in case something happens and I am unchaperoned.

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Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read something that just made you feel creepy, gross? Well, I have. A few days ago, I read a profile that just made my flesh crawl. The oddest thing is that there wasn’t really anything particularly harsh or profane. I just felt…..yucky after reading it.

I can’t think of anything else to prattle on about. So I’m going to end with an Alanis Morissette song mash-up…

nothing owed

I wake up and first things first
I’m of service
I make sure your needs are met, I’m so selfless
I give hard and serve hard and now I, I need a break
I give in, I give all and now it’s time to regenerate

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Today’s all about me, all about how I’m feeling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

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wowzers – I am where I am…

because I do not want to be “alone. If something should burst or pop … whatever it could do, will do…I won’t be found -partially decomposed.

Don’t misunderstand, there are other, less selfish reasons I remain tethered. But the main one is that, although I’ve been “prepared” to die since I’m 12/14, I’m not, I don’t want to be alone.

Of late, I’ve been thinking about children and how I don’t have any. Not that I want any now…are you crazy??? 😆

I have become “that guy.” If I want to recall something of great import; I must make a note. That became even more apparent Sunday. I had to ask the server his name, at least four times.

I have been getting out and about more and more. My days are carefully mapped out to allow maximum enjoyment for me and minimal discomfort ..well, for me. 😊
To be perfectly “honest” with you, other than this thing in the head, for once in what seems like a very long time, I feel fine. NO LIE😜😆😀 I’m feeling so fine, that next week, I’m resuming my workout. Oh yeah baby! 💪💪

I have started downsizing. My once full closets are looking kinda sparse. I’ve been able to give a lot of my trousers to a friend. I’ll never wear a 40 again ( \o/ yay!! \O/) and some shirts! I’ve suitcases of stuff to go through. I’ve also been shredding old documents, letters, cards whatever like I’m an old world spy or something. 👤

Well, I’m off out!

a pui tardi!

The February Photo A Day challenge….

Hey!

Yeah, I did complete the #febphotoaday challenge. I noticed that I stopped posting them here on 8 Feb. Well, here is a link to the completed challenge.

#febphotoaday

🙂

a pui tardi

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“you should be more like…”

…insert name.

Do you know HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE HEARD THAT?

TOO FUCKING MANY!!!!!!! sorry for the pay channel language.

I grow so weary of people telling me how to behave and how I should be and what I should do.

You know what? I think I’m a rather nice guy. I am aware of my flaws. In fact, I embrace them with open arms! I realise that I am not the easiest person to get to know. Hell, sometimes I can’t stand myself. LOL! But it may be worth a moment of your time to try. After all, I’ve made an effort to try to get to know you. (and if you know me you know that for me to extend myself, to put it out there, is a big step….)

Phunny thing. Morcheeba’s “Be yourself” just started playing on the pod!

Let’s shuck this to the cob. If I need to be more like (Jimmy, Ray, Don, Bob) for you to “like” me, then, don’t, because I won’t.

After all, YOU invited yourself into MY space (not the site, my personal sphere). I did not seek you out. Something to think about.

Oh by the bye, those people you want me to be more like….well, because folk tend to forget I’m around, I see and hear their dirty little secrets. Believe me, you really don’t want me to be more like them……believe me

Happiness = Security … or does it?

Wow, once more into the fire.

Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?

Well, my “security” was taken away today.

(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)

Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”

But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…

Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”

“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”

Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.

Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )

Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )

Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)

Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)

Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)

But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”

So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?

Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?

Oh well, a pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.

Snaps

Digi-art
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All things must come to an end…

That’s it. Nothing more,

All things (good or bad, helpful or unhelpful) must come to an end.

:-/

A pui tardi