Category Archives: Loreleila

Six years or somewhere there about..

My life, as I knew it, changed. Wow, milady, talking about a delayed response.

Six years ago or somewhere thereabout, I was given some news that changed my life.

Six years ago or somewhere thereabout, I was told that I was going to die.

No, not by a Gypsy, Magic 8ball or a call from a psychic. I was told this by a team of physicians.

OK, PICTURE THIS. One minute you’re in the shower. You’re downstairs getting ready for Mother’s Day dinner with the family. The next minute, you wake up…in hospital…attached to machines and being probed and poked. Waking up, knowing that something just isn’t right.

Picture it, being told that you have to have this biopsy. You’ve several brain bleeds and what looks like a tumour. WOW, Tumour = cancer = brain = dead. That’s what I’m kinda thinking.  So let’s fast forward shall we. Oh, did I mention, that some how (digging in the dirt where animals poo) I picked up a parasite that is ADDING to the TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)

Biopsy done…insert medical term..another medical term…inoperable.

Meetings, consultations, tests.

Weeks later, I’m home. I’m home, to die, with a satchel of meds. One to stop seizures. One to thin the blood. One to stop the parasite. One for blood pressure. One for something else that I can’t honestly remember. One, that, almost hastened my trip to the underworld.  All totalled, I was, at one point taking over 20 medications. NO BUENO!

Now, everyone around me has had their lives affected. Holiday plans put on hold. Constant monitoring because I couldn’t be left alone..Fall risk here.

Vomiting, constant pain, no energy, NOTHING. Meals were…interesting. The Lady Donna did her best to find foods that I could eat. No that’s not correct; food that I could keep down.

All the while, life continues at it usual pace. I’m waiting though…”You may be here Christmas,” was all I could hear.

 

To be continued…perhaps later today, perhaps tomorrow I’ll talk about having to tell friends and acquaintances…

 

take care

 

 

 

Twitter, Google+, FaceBook, Instagram…

and all of the other social media outlets, what purpose do they serve?

Before, I share my opinion, my belief I’ve two other pieces of business.

First piece, Cathy you are a delight! Thank you for being you! You’ve been a source of inspiration and encouragement and I really really appreciate you. Thank you.

Second piece, THANK YOU ALL FOR READING, COMMENTING and LIKING my various posts. THANK YOU ALL FOR FOLLOWING! I really appreciate it!

Now, I know that we each have our respective uses for these and other various social media websites. (ZOMG! I just realised that I’m writing this on #selfiesocialmediacleanse day. Well, I had no intent on participating anyway…) I can’t answer why you use them, but that question made me ask myself. So here are my answers…as they come to me.

Twitter – music, television shows, news related stuff, “peace” related stuff, comic book stuff, general gripes that I can make in 140 characters or less. As my UK guru so eloquently put it, I use the Twitter for my “Irritation haiku.” ✌️😄 #Twitter #Tweets

Google+ – that was going to be my #Facebook replacement. However, for some reason, it just didn’t take off… for me at least. I post to it, when I recall or when given the option to share from another site. #GooglePlus #Google #GoogleCircles #Hangouts

Facebook – ok, with the exception of a few musicians, You Tube “friends” and some others, #Facebook is reserved for old friends (these are people who know my complete name), family and those like-family. I will admit that there are a few “others” out there who have “slipped” through the cracks. I’ve one or two “friends” who how we became FB friends is a mystery to us, but the friendship seems to serve whatever need we have. I post family related items, garden related items, “feel good,” something to think about posts. (At least that’s what I think I’m posting)

Let’s see, where else am I?

Instagram – Well, I fancy myself a photographer, so I post photos. The majority of them are snaps taken by me. I also post screen-captures of games and perhaps other pics that struck my eye…oops, caught my eye is the proper term. I’ve discovered, food, the dogs, animals in general and nature shots are my favourite. I like taking pictures of people, but for the most part, unless they are striking (don’t look like everyone else) I’m not really interested in taking snaps of people. Hummmmm

Flickr – See above. Here, I also post some of my “art.” Digitally manipulated images.

Tumblr – Photos, TV stuff, music. It is a hodgepodge of stuff. It is also a NSFW place for me. I almost never know what will be on the photo stream. Actually I do, but you’ll have to wait for it….

Stumble Upon– more this and that. A serious hodgepodge site. I don’t think I post anything there…on purpose. I very rarely if ever even visit.

Jeepers creepers, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about the sites. So, because I’m getting lazy and tired, let’s start wrapping this up!

No matter where I am on the interwebs…
(SoundTracking, Songza, TuneInRadio, Spotify, Swarm, Foursquare, Pinterest, Nextdoor, Skype, Yelp! are also sites. They just came to me. 🙂

I tend to “attract” those same core types of people. Those people who embrace, that different path. Those people who realise, or who are beginning to realise that “you are NOT what you own.”

I believe that what we do, from the largest thing to the smallest thing; I believe, that we leave a bit of our energy…a bit of ourselves, our “true” selves behind. Our blogs, photo sites, YouTube channels, are but an extension of ourselves. On these sites, we plant seeds of thought…and a seed, once planted and properly attended and under the “proper” conditions will grow, bloom and their blooms hopefully spread more seeds of thought.

A few days/weeks ago I made the decision to only post “helpful,” “uplifting”‘posts. I grew tired of and am still tired of the constant reminders that man is on the path to self destruction…all over the bounty of a planet that can and sustain us all – – if we take better care of her. So that is what I’m now using my social media webs to capture now (there we go! Back to the weaving. Weaving/planting…..I’m rambling)

✌️

A pui tardí amici!

I AM of peace!

i am going to be all over the place with this one…

where do i want to start?
“the beginning is always a good place.”
i don’t want to go that far back.

well, it is almost a year that my life, my existence changed…forever.

ups and downs
hither and ‘yond
“life”
“death”
laughter
despair
loneliness – both complete and incomplete

as i sit here and type these words…these feelings into being….

i got up to get a granola bar and now i’ve forgotten what i was going to say. welcome to my world!!! 🙂 🙂

ahhhhh

i’ve often heard the phrase ‘the business of living’ but lately, i’ve been more concerned about or with ‘the business of death.’

i’ve discovered that there are varied ranges in cost and pomp in funeral preperation. (i now see why my mother did her advanced planning) even for the most (i think) simplest of services. (simple cremation and find a tree or a wood that wont be destroyed in months to come to make way for another mini-mall or housing complex an d spread my ashes.

i’ve seen the attempts at upselling casket liners…(really, at that point WHO THE HELL CARES???) types of caskets and/or memorial “take aways”, videos, plaques, laminated obituraries….all costing the bereaved thousands and thousands of dollars. what ever happened to the days of newspaper obituary listings. I was just AMAZED, floored, stunned, flabbergasted. Ahhhh, the little voice is speaking to me. She says…

drew, my dearest drew. funerals aren’t for the dead. they are for the survivors. the more elaborate and expensive the service, the more guilt the survivors have.

i don’t quite know what to make of that. so i’ll just walk away.

i made another jaw dropping realisation a few days ago. i wanted to sit with it, chew on it and see if the associated feelings were genuine or just poo.

i, of course decided that the feeling was genuine and from my perspective #truth. what was the realisation? i realised that in many cases….

i am a better friend to my friends than they are to me.

this is what i mean… you know what, an explanation is not really necessary. i say that not to dissuade discussion. i say it because it was/is how i felt. and we all know that there is very little logic when dealing with feelings.

and another thing.
there are times, when sitting in my chair, gazing out, i run scenarios through my head. those “if i hadn’t met ‘x’ my life would be different” kinda things.

yes, i am aware that of course things would be different. i’m not a complete goober.

i just think about how one encounter with someone – ripples through out …time.

i would murder for a lasagna and salad with a balsamic vinegar dressing. i will settle for carrot sticks and ranch dressing.

when did sex and sexuality become things used to define people? i am aware of the adage “sex sells,” but, it seems that it is everywhere now and with that the various aspects of sexuality. homosexuality, heterosexuality, asexuality, bisexuality, celibacy, abstinence, transexuality…what is the big bleeding deal? i don’t understand. that is just ONE, tiny aspect of a person. just ONE aspect. i’m walking away again.

whoa, now some states will allow businesses the right to deny service to LGBT people or anyone else who contradicts an owner’s religious beliefs. i don’t know if i am “pleased – let me explain about the use of ‘pleased’ that some bigots aren’t letting their love of the almighty dollar guide their consciences. what does it matter how someone spends their private time when they are ordering the best champagne and top tier meal? but i guess, poverty and hatred are more worthy than providing the BEST customer service to PAYING customers. great ceaser’s ghost! what the hell is happening to the world? What happened to tolerance?

i’ve discovered that i have two you tube channels. i kinda recall creating the second. i thought that i was signing in using my google account. i wasn’t. i was creating an account. oh well, i am not going to delete it. i’m thinking that it was created for some reason. i just have to figure out what that reason is. A thought was to let it be a channel for unedited thoughts/unguarded moments (as “unguarded” as one can be when being recorded). it will also be used to put what i’m reading into action Daring Greatly. i need to work on a few things and i think this may just be one of the many tools to help along the way.

i’m also going to start to minimise my online presence. what i mean by that. i am going to “shut down” some little used to not used vedekdrew sites. although i had a larger following on blogger, i believe that i’ll stick with wordpress for now. i’m kinda torn with regard to the online photo storage sites i use. flickr offers one TB of storage. i’ve already almost maxed out my dropbox account and my shoebox is best used on my portable devices.

i’ve tossed and turned with writing this. i’ve decided to go ahead.
if you’ve been following this blog/sporadic ramblings, you’ll recall that i am coming up on the one year anniversary of my…terminal diagnosis. the inoperable brain tumour/lesion/hole whatever its called. if you also recall, i shared with you that i was told that i (A.) wouldn’t live past All Hallows’ Eve (that Halloween to some). Then, I was told (B.) that if i made it past AHE, that it would be a miracle if i made it to the new year. guess what, the new year has come and gone.

well, it is 24 april 2014 and….i am still here. and dare i say it, today, i feel that all of the pain and suffering may have been worth it. (no not really)
i will share this with you. it is my opinion; it is my belief that NO MAN/WOMANshould EVERknow when they will or may expire. As the day approaches, one becomes some what paralysed with indecision. i admit, i am still ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop.’ those days when it takes every bit of reserve to just move…i think ‘today is the day.’ when i have that extra burst of energy, i recall stories of people who had that burst of energy before they died. yeah, that is where my head goes sometimes.

but, now, i’ve to decide on what is the next path for me. i am considered permanently disabled because of the inoperability of the tumour/lesion/hole thingie. but that leads to another problem. i’ll need to earn some money. living off of the investments, savings and insurance payments will eventually run out. i am unable to receive any help from the state as a result of my “income.” it is just frustrating. HOWEVER, i am much better off than others. i do not have to worry about having the electrics turned off or any of the other mod-cons. for now at least….but with this change that HAS TO BE MADE…

well. i am off out! i want to put this to “bed” and start the next one (finish the other on the clipboard.)

OH, ONE THING

there was a time, when mine was a very regimented, well-scheduled life/existence. i knew where i was supposed to be, what i was supposed to be doing, etc, etc, etc. somewhere along the line i adopted a ‘go with the flow attitude.’ i think that i am going to have to find a happy medium betwixt the two. i LIKE the idea of planning. i like the perceived “control.’ however, i also like the fluidity of the flow. arrrrrrgh

i do know that i have to return to a schedule. there are more than enough hours in the day to get what i want to complete – completed! i am going to play around with it – a schedule.

well, guess what, i am needed in another place in time… 🙂 \O/

a pui tardi

i am of peace

Greetings and well met!

Hey! How are you?
I am forever trying to get the most out of my blogging experience ….and failing miserably. But, I’ve another idea.

first

In my mind, before the lights turned on, or what I perceive as a moment of clarity, more like a “pagh’tem’far.”

my blog does not have to be paragraphs long to communicate what my “heart” needs to say.

I can use as many or as few words as I want.

So, with that said, I’ve another ……

20140404-115903.jpg days remaining on the another bulk of meds!

so here’s what I’m gonna do…

38 days – 38 post
Some may be a word.

Some a long rambling story that has no meaning to anyone but the teller and those present

a pui tardi
THANK YOU!!!
Grazie!

I am…of peace.

I am soooo tired…

of feeling like crap.

I am HUNGRY but can’t eat. When I say “can’t” I mean just that. The thought of consuming anything makes me hurl. I’ve gone from a healthy, pudgy 250# to a skinny 165.

I have all of these things that I want to do, but lack the energy to do them. I’ve been stuck in the house for weeks. I can’t (well, I could, but wouldn’t enjoy myself) leave. Every movement brings digestive upset of the vomiting kind. I’m dehydrated a result of the vomiting (which has been a daily event since 24 Sept.)

I am short with people, verging on being rude. Why? BECAUSE I ACHE FROM THE SOLES OF MY FEET TO THE CROWN OF MY HEAD. My buddy David is often left scratching his head, wondering why I’ve been so mean to him. And I have been. I know it.

Yes, I’ve told my physician. His usual reply, “Well Drew, you’re really sick and it’s going to take time for you to heal.” (If I’m going to heal at all). I remind him that I wasn’t this ill until I started taking these drugs. I remind him that I was COMPLETELY unaware of the tumour until I was told about it and other than “I wish for death” migraines, didn’t think anything was seriously wrong. I also remind him, that there are days when I just wish I hadn’t been told and what……just allowed to die.

I do not have a death wish. Please do not think that I’m contemplating suicide or anything. I admit, I’m too much of a wuss to actively participate in my own demise. I always thought that I’d live forever, or at least until my 100s. But truth be told, if I fell asleep and didn’t wake, I’d be ok with that.

Of course, when I feel like this I wonder why I just wasn’t allowed to die. THIS IS NOT LIVING. I only exist and that’s just barely. I try to put on a happy face. I do what I can, when I can, but just getting up to go to the loo is exhausting.

“Don’t push yourself,” I’m often told. Well if I don’t, who will?

Now here’s the cosmic rub. The Lady Donna, who nursed me back to some semblance of health, has died. She died from almost the same thing that I have. Why her and not me? The woman who filled the maternal gap after my mother died…is gone.

Ahh, I can hear someone say, “you need to talk to a counsellor.” I ask, why? Just what would a counsellor say that I’ve not already heard?

Take it one day at a time.

Remain positive. There are breakthroughs every day.

What is your faith? Draw strength from that.

Keep a stiff upper lip. At least you’re alive.

I tell you this. I’ve cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years.

But, I am thankful. I’m thankful to and for my dearest online friend, Cathy. Unbeknownst to her, I’ve received great comfort from re-reading Return to One and just hearing her voice is soothing to me. I’ve reconnected with a long lost friend from high school, Kim and chatting with her and listening to her has been a great help as well. She and I have exchanged books and play a rather heated game or two of Words with Friends. I am thankful for Jay Gill, the Lady Donna’s husband for being Jay Gill. Thomi, my ivory sister, trainer, nutritionist, guru and friend who makes sure that I know I am loved and valued. Thomi’s husband, Rob is now and will always be my hero. Like his wife, he also makes me feel safe, valued and loved. There are many others, Dan and Jeanellen and their kids, my girlfriend who just up and moved to Florida, yea Viki, I’m talking about you. Ron and Fran another power couple who put a smile on my face. I know that I’m forgetting some, but…now I’m tired and can’t focus.

With that said….

I don’t “want” to die. But if I can’t enjoy the “fullness of life” what’s the point? Really, what is the bloody point? Well, tomorrow is yet, another day. Let’s see what it brings.

a pui tardi

Today, peace is elusive. But, I’ll keep looking.

✌️

A few things..

Hi!

I really do appreciate those new subscribers. You folk are the best! Of, course those guys and gals who have been there/here from the beginning, you are the crème de la crème of followers ✌️😀😃😺

HEALTH UPDATE
I’m still a medical fascination. I don’t really know what else to say other than, it’s not the best…Goddess knows, it’s not the worst, but, my “way of life” noooooooo, the “way I lived” has changed! Has it changed for the better? I don’t know. I guess that is something that….only time will tell 🙂

The Universe takes care of her own.

I’ve been super excited, super bummed for the past few days. A friend, a close friend of mine returns home tomorrow to have his worst dream realised and, honestly, I’m not really up to offering any support. It’s not that I don’t want to offer it. It’s that I just do not have it in me. I am drained, in ways I didn’t think possible.

I have a bunch of “fears” associated with this reunion as well. Now, let’s see how I can say this without sounding like a twat.
As we, individuals, navigate our way through life, lessons are learned.
As we learn these “life lessons” our experiences, our way of interacting with our community changes.
As we incorporate these changes into our lives, we “evolve.

What if, because of separation our paths have diverged so much, that continued association would be counterproductive?
I am recalling how the last reunion went….not fondly, but not horribly either. Oh well, there is no need to borrow trouble.

Let’s see, what else?
Well, as some of you know, my mother, the woman from whose loins I sprang, died a few years ago. Her death left a hole in my soul that can never be filled. More recently, the Lady Donna, my “Ivory mother” died…in front of us…no warning. Another lurch, my world torn asunder, another hole, irreparably ripped in my soul. Wow, two of the most important women in my life gone…in the blink of an eye. I grieve, but it is more important that I live up to their legacies.

With certain realisations, my muse has returned. So, I’ve been freezing moments in time! I’ve been playing with colour -electronic style. And film, I’ve shot a few rolls of film. (I hope they come out well.) I’ll post them on my Flickr page.

Hey, something just occurred to me. I do not believe that anyone has ever answered a question asked ages ago; “To whom does the Father confessor confess?” But as I ask it again, I’m thinking that it’s probably much like “to whom does a therapist talk when he/she is troubled?”

I’ve decided to get up and go out. I it make take me an hour to get there, but I want to eat — to have a bite or two of something out. (I don’t say “eat” anymore because…..)

So, I’ll post snaps later. Fill you in on my sojourn to nutritional bio-matter. And anything else that comes to mind.

whoa did I mention that I’m considering a name change for the blog? No? Well, I am….I think it’s time for a change.

A pui tardi!

I am of peace 99.9% of the time. 🙂

Yeah, it’s that time #photoadayApril

A few hrs early, but it’s in the bag…been put to bed.

#photoadayApril

Gearing up for…..

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