Category Archives: me

Sigh, heavy sigh

I’ve lost my “spark.” I know it. I feel it. It’s gone. I’ve tried to no avail to re-ignite it, but it’s gone. The things that gave me some measure of joy, those things mean nothing to me now or the amount of pleasure derived from these things has diminished. I mouth words of affection and adoration, but the feeling behind them is hollow. I mean them, but the passion and emotional energy is feigned.

I am reminded of some lyrics from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel! I want the fire back!

Oh well, a pui tardi.

Advertisements

I will admit, Fear has entered my heart

I’ve been relying heavily on the Litany against Fear of late…

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

ZOMG! I’m feeling a photo/quote mash-up in the near future.

It is not my goal to be cryptic, but I am SUPER excited about something that will change my life…forever! However, along with the excitement, Fear hovers in the background. In two weeks or so (I’ve created an alert to remind me to revisit this) I’ll be in a much better position to share. I hope.

I am also calling upon my many bookmarks and electronic post it notes of quotes, affirmations and incantations.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

The above quote rings so clearly to me as just a few days ago I realised that I had been stuck in “second gear.” I was stuck because I allowed Fear in. Fear clouded my mind with indecision. The moment, the SECOND after I made a move…I was ready for the next step.
Well, I can only beat this horse so much. (No, I don’t beat animals) With that said…

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Benjamin Franklin

Now, let’s switch gears. I knew that I was ill. I NEVER had any idea just how ill I was. That was until I reviewed my medical records. We are talking about major systems shutdown. According to the records, I was a member of the walking dead. WOWZERS! When the staff voice their surprise and awe that I still walk amongst them I now know why.

20140724-154108-56468204.jpg
A suggestion, if you have access to or can get access to your medical records, you should do so. If for nothing else to have an idea of what all of those tests really mean. Plus, I understand that it can be used to communicate with your healthcare professional. THAT would be awesome because as symptoms happen they can be documented and addressed at your next appointment. The possible uses for are endless. I’ve used that information to put on a “carry always” medical info card. Because my mobile locks itself after five minutes. (I also carry a flash drive with most recent MRI and CT scans and medications) I like to prepare just in case something happens and I am unchaperoned.

20140724-155253-57173124.jpg
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read something that just made you feel creepy, gross? Well, I have. A few days ago, I read a profile that just made my flesh crawl. The oddest thing is that there wasn’t really anything particularly harsh or profane. I just felt…..yucky after reading it.

I can’t think of anything else to prattle on about. So I’m going to end with an Alanis Morissette song mash-up…

nothing owed

I wake up and first things first
I’m of service
I make sure your needs are met, I’m so selfless
I give hard and serve hard and now I, I need a break
I give in, I give all and now it’s time to regenerate

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Today’s all about me, all about how I’m feeling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

5 and 50 – a few observations

Hi, hello! Hiya!

Well, in two days I’ve participated in two life marking events; a fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration (yeah, there are a few people who take their wedding vows seriously) and a birthday party for a five year old girl. Both were ….WOWZERS. To see a living testament of love, fidelity and commitment was and still is amazing. On the other hand, to see the wonder and awe in the eyes of a five year old and then in a flash, see her grow from child to young girl, to woman…wow.

Moving on…

My UK guru has done it again. What has she done? She taught me a lesson. The lesson she “taught” on expectations. I’m driving the expressway— BOOYAKITTY! Expectation – My read on her “lesson”; if one puts an expectation on something or someone, a “limit” has been set, opinions start to form – thoughts start to form – helpful or unhelpful thoughts/opinions. So, mentally we have already set ourselves up before an event even happens.

(It’s actually more profound in my head as opposed to on screen). That’s all! I just thought My UK guru has done it again. 🙂

next……

Grief. Wow, I am always amazed at how freely people give advice about grief. Hey how about this…just leave the grieved alone (unless they’re suicidal or something.). But offering anecdotes about how you got over this or that. Well, yippie bloody doo for you! And as I write this the thought comes….the level of grief, I believe, is proportionate to the level of love, adoration and respect one has for the decedent. and now the voice is gone

Oops, I’ve to go. I’m needed in another place in time.

Ciao ciao.

a pui tardi!

E ‘stato un po ‘. and a few things have changed…here

Humm,

I try to post that whenever and wherever I can.

Bear with me, I’ve not worked from the desktop in a while. The feel of an actual keyboard is …odd.

Because I love Domo-kun.

OK, here we go…

Closure. Can we talk?

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend (we’ll call Timmy) who expressed that he wished that his friend (Billy) would talk about, a dark place in his life.

So, you know me. I asked,”What purpose would that serve him? Why would Billy wish to think about that period? Why would he want to re-live that? He has learned from it. He has become a much better person. He is actually happy; and, he has apparently moved on. Hell, he is thriving now as opposed to then. So why would he need to discuss that time?”

Now, here is the key, I think.

“Because I want him to discuss it so that I can have some closure.”

I am really startled. “Just why do you need closure on Billy’s problem? I am really curious to hear your answer to this.

Because, (reasons aren’t really relevant) but to sum it up. Timmy feels that because he went through those things with Billy, and that things were said about Timmy that “just weren’t true,” yada yada ya – ex-chetra (yeah, I know, watch Community)…..

“OK, do you not think Timmy has considered the source? Has he not apologised repeatedly? Has he not given you the ‘credit’ you’re due?”

I see where this is going so I raise a finger and say…

What you want, is to talk about YOU.
What YOU want is to talk about how YOU feel/felt.
What YOU want is to be the centre of attention.

If YOU need to discuss it, why don’t YOU talk to a therapist?

I thought you did those things out of concern, love and affection. Not to have something to bring up everytime you have an opportunity just so that you can say what you’ve done, and how you helped….

Subject changed….

So “closure” is it really for the “victim/survivor” or their “friends?”

a pui tardi

the worst is over….or is it

cough
gag
what the hell is this
spittle
is it supposed to be that colour
spring has come with a vengeance
you know what your problem is
no, but i am sure you are going to tell me
you are..
too trusting
too strict
too forgiving
too hateful
too secretive
too optimistic
too pessimistic
you are weak
thats what you are
weak
a pitiful pitiful man
anger
hurt
disappointment
hummm
everyday is a fight
but i’ve said that before
whew, when do i get to retire
to sit in my rocker
knit useless garments
tell stories about when…
remember the days of old
when mom and dad could make everything that goes bump in the night right again
those days
was it really that easy
did they have a special power
no, not really, after all it was nothing
the fears of a small child
but lets talk about today
some 40+ years later
lets talk about
love
life
work
family
friends
fear
concern
loneliness
solitude
(yes, there is a difference)
art
music
things that move me to my core
i move
i navigate
through this thing called … life
la vita nuova (humm where)
Dante, you idiot, that’s where
oh yeah
🙂
so today
i make the best of it
i keep my chin up
i smile, i frown
after all
the worst is over
or is it