Category Archives: Musings

Six years or somewhere there about..

My life, as I knew it, changed. Wow, milady, talking about a delayed response.

Six years ago or somewhere thereabout, I was given some news that changed my life.

Six years ago or somewhere thereabout, I was told that I was going to die.

No, not by a Gypsy, Magic 8ball or a call from a psychic. I was told this by a team of physicians.

OK, PICTURE THIS. One minute you’re in the shower. You’re downstairs getting ready for Mother’s Day dinner with the family. The next minute, you wake up…in hospital…attached to machines and being probed and poked. Waking up, knowing that something just isn’t right.

Picture it, being told that you have to have this biopsy. You’ve several brain bleeds and what looks like a tumour. WOW, Tumour = cancer = brain = dead. That’s what I’m kinda thinking.  So let’s fast forward shall we. Oh, did I mention, that some how (digging in the dirt where animals poo) I picked up a parasite that is ADDING to the TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)

Biopsy done…insert medical term..another medical term…inoperable.

Meetings, consultations, tests.

Weeks later, I’m home. I’m home, to die, with a satchel of meds. One to stop seizures. One to thin the blood. One to stop the parasite. One for blood pressure. One for something else that I can’t honestly remember. One, that, almost hastened my trip to the underworld.  All totalled, I was, at one point taking over 20 medications. NO BUENO!

Now, everyone around me has had their lives affected. Holiday plans put on hold. Constant monitoring because I couldn’t be left alone..Fall risk here.

Vomiting, constant pain, no energy, NOTHING. Meals were…interesting. The Lady Donna did her best to find foods that I could eat. No that’s not correct; food that I could keep down.

All the while, life continues at it usual pace. I’m waiting though…”You may be here Christmas,” was all I could hear.

 

To be continued…perhaps later today, perhaps tomorrow I’ll talk about having to tell friends and acquaintances…

 

take care

 

 

 

Let’s see where this goes

looking out of my window, I realise that I’ve treated this blog just like I treat my handwritten journal. I use them -religiously – for days, sometimes weeks on end. Then, one day…BAM nothing.  And that of course, goes for weeks on end too! Of course, during those “nothing” periods, “something” is happening, but nothing that I’m willing to share—during the EVENT.

So, guys and gals, go put a kettle on, get your favourite biscuits and prepare to ask…WTF? 😜

  • I’ve been feeling “disconnected” lately. I was standing in the kitchen a few weeks ago. My housemate and I were doing our “dinner prep dance” then all of a sudden, the feeling of being disjointed – disconnected washed over me. There I was, standing in the middle of the kitchen, feeling apart of, yet removed from the activity around me. Why? Why? Hummmm, more about that later. 13 April- I’ve identified the feeling of disconnection. I should say that I think that I’ve identified it. For the past few years, I’ve been afraid of …the next step. As a result, I removed myself from day to day face to face interactions. I pay my bills online. I shop online. My meds are delivered to me. My health is monitored remotely. So, for all intents and purposes, I had no real reason to leave the house.  So, I’ve not really had any reason to engage or be engaged. As a result, those things that come so easily to others, I believe it is called “small talk” becomes a BLOODY chore. Of course that is just a thumbnail account.
  • I’ve been having these internal conversations. Now, I’ve had them before. Walking ones self through a procedure and stuff like that. Well, these internal conversations have been, what I now call, ” dark side, uncensored conversations” basically, those are the meanest, vilest, most “are you a FRAKING idiot for saying -insert topic- ?” kinds of conversations.  These, although disturbing, have actually assisted with my day to day interactions. That surprised the Koss out of me! LOL!!! 13 April- those internal conversations have become external and as a result, dare I say some realisations have been made. That if I could have and actually give voice to those thoughts then as a few of the “targets” have come to realise, the “shit must be bad.” Pity, that I had to paint the ugliest picture to affect change. That is a pity. 
  • …”There are some things about which I just don’t care. Can’t name them all here. Hummm. … … 😜”

“War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” President Jimmy Carter

  • Let’s look through the ole leather bound to see, what I’ve forgotten. 
  • I’ve returned to my study of magic. I prefer ” magick.” More importantly, I’m back to the study of spells and talismen. That’s been an ongoing study for decades now. 
  • Ran into an old sci-fi club acquaintance. He and I would often debate: Immortality- Pros and Cons. And one of his thoughts, is that immortality was/is some type of fountain of youth. I, on the other, contend that one would still age, but at a certain point, organs would regenerate, yada yada ya. Then the voice said, he’s talking age, you’re talking passage of time. Aren’t they the same things? “Yes and no. However, I’ve not the energy to explain.

Instead of moving forward, mankind….some of mankind seems to be moving backward. I live in a state where it will be legal to refuse service to someone if the owner/manager feels that the patron violates some “moral” code of conduct. That law seems to be sweeping the country.  Most are focusing on only ONE aspect of this “moral” code. They’ve, I believe, yet to see how this can and will affect everyone.  14 April Can morals be regulated, legislated, dictated?  I’d like to think that I’m a pretty moral fella. However, I don’t feel the need to practise a “mainstream” religion. I don’t care if two men or women want to marry.  If the races want to mix and multiply, have at it! I don’t hate Muslims and don’t think that they are all “evil.” I don’t think that I have to accept any one deity I don’t want to accept.  Some of, many of my beliefs and philosophies are so counter to this “moral code.” I guess I’m screwed!   Moving on……..

I “prepared” for IT. IT didn’t happen.  IT will happen.  But now that IT didn’t/hasn’t happened, what to do? Of course, being grateful is first on the list, but “moving on and living” just doesn’t sum up the “what to do.” I think that is going to be a follow up discussion too.

  • What am I not in the business of? Yep, that’s right!!! LOL😜😂😄 I’m not in the business of being right or wrong. HOWEVER, it is rather pleasing to be right.  LOL, I know, how  unevolved am I? I’m human in this moment so litigate against me.  😜😃😄😝 with that said….

  • One of my TOP ONE MILLION PET PEEVES. People who have to constantly remind people “how much more intelligent and smart I am.” I just look and nod. All the while, I’m thinking, a real intellectual does not have to announce it – on a daily basis…several times a day and then seek confirmation.  LOL!  Meow meow
  • Sexuality and sex. gender identification and orientation…are all different things. Why can’t legislators just allow “THE PEOPLE” to govern their respective personal lives?  Why, is it that the country everyone runs to, or used to run to because it was the beacon to personal freedom seeks to legislate one of the MOST sacred personal freedoms; the freedom to choose who we love?

This wraps up this instalment. I may update this later. I may just tap out another one. Who the Koss knows?

😜😂😝

  • Love, in my youth, I admit I sought her out. FAIL!! As I matured, I stopped looking for LOVE and thought that LOVE would find me. REALLY, DID I REALLY THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN? So, now, I enjoy the “freedom” of having no significant other. However, there are times when I’d welcome the “shackles” of having a sig. However, as I type this, I realise that the words used are perhaps an indication of how I view romantic entanglements.😱😝😂👻

14 April – It’s time to put this baby to bed.

I’m sitting here in my chair, listening to Friday Night Dinner, gazing out my window. Realisation.. despite everything, I am of peace. That sustains me. It also sustains others. Here’s something else that I believe. I believe that through a combined force of WILL, there are groups, communities of people who are also “of peace” and through their efforts we, as a species have not wiped ourselves out. We’ve come so close. Yet…

I’ve lost that train.

I’m wrapping up with a rhetorical here.

Why is it so difficult to just do the “right” thing?


A pui tardí



Written under the influence…

…of binaural beats.
I don’t know if it’s it a bunch of bullspit or not. I went into it with the, “it won’t hurt” mindset.

After a few days, I may have to change my mind. I’ve been able to focus. I’ve been pleasant. I mean smiling and laughing with people instead of at them “pleasant.” My creativity has increased (at least I think it has.)

Could it be the binaural cocktail of “morning meditation” then a little “positive energy boost” I throw in a bit of “creativity boost.” The final beat …”pre-exercise workout.” I down that and B A M, I am ready for the morning! I shall continue with this experiment and provide periodic reports.

This is the app I use.

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Have you tried binaural beats? If “yes,” what were/are your thoughts? If, “no,” oh, ok.

I think I’m going to return to “the tube.” Ive been toying around with the idea for a few months/years now. I’d make the occasional vlog here and there. (Somehow, I’ve a second channel. I made it by mistake, if there can be such a thing. ( a “mistake, not the second channel.)
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I’ve discovered that my technology may be somewhat outdated. Oops, let me rephrase that some of my tech (primarily the built in camera on Laptop-O) HOWEVER, on a few test captures using the mobile, I may be able to overcome that obstacle (I finally get to put the Gorilla tripod to good use. YAY \o/ )

I am not an ungrateful person at all. No one has ever said that I was ungrateful (at least not to my face). But there are thoughts that I have that if voiced aloud make me sound it.

Just because

I am of peace

does not mean that I don’t get angry, pissed off and just downright MAD. Have I mentioned that before? No, I’m not only telling this to people who are “surprised” when I blow up; I am also telling this to MYSELF. Lately, I have been having these internal RAGES that leave me weak and ashamed. Yes, I said ashamed. I am ashamed because, these rages come with images and entire dialogues that are filled with nothing but bile and venom. In a FLASH, I kid you not, I can go from elation to caged wolverine. WTFraks up with that?

That was rhetorical. However, if you’d like to chime in, please do so. 👍

I am single because I don’t put my self out in the world to meet people. I am jaded and bitter. I’ve trust issues. The idea of pair bonding does appeal to me. However, I’ve neither the time, the emotional wherewithal or even the desire to be coupled with anyone – any more. I’ve tried it. Everytime I tried it, the relationship outlived the previous. Which should be a good thing. However, that only means the “hurt” the “heartbreak” lasts longer each time. (ZOMG! My ocular implants are malfunctioning. They appear to be leaking.)

Any whooooo…

I do like my new house. I can’t quite call it home. I don’t “feel” like it is “home.” The fault lies with no one. I’ve not felt like I’ve had a “home” in decades. I can’t recall. Oh well. That’s an obsessive thought for another time.

Someone is getting the hang of the Twitter. 😄😄😄😜 Yep, I’m there too. Click here > the Twitter

I should point out that just like on Instagram, I am not a “follow for follow” kinda guy. If your feed is open, I’ll check it out. And if there is something there that makes me say, hummm, I’ll hang out. 🙂 just an FYI. I need to spend more “real-time” on the Twitter. The majority of my tweets are “bot” redirect/shares. Every now and again, I do have an origi thought. “Origi” jejejeje

As I gazed out the window for a bit,
My eye caught a blaze of gold and green
A splash of colour
a drop of rain
Blow winds
chill Fall breeze
Is it Fall
I only “know” BOILING and FREEZING
Wow
I see a runner
Wishing, longing, missing
I gaze
{chime chime chime}
Text message…
There’s that hurt

As I gazed out the window

by the Gods of Sky and Earth

Oh well

A pui tardí

✌️

I will admit, Fear has entered my heart

I’ve been relying heavily on the Litany against Fear of late…

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

ZOMG! I’m feeling a photo/quote mash-up in the near future.

It is not my goal to be cryptic, but I am SUPER excited about something that will change my life…forever! However, along with the excitement, Fear hovers in the background. In two weeks or so (I’ve created an alert to remind me to revisit this) I’ll be in a much better position to share. I hope.

I am also calling upon my many bookmarks and electronic post it notes of quotes, affirmations and incantations.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

The above quote rings so clearly to me as just a few days ago I realised that I had been stuck in “second gear.” I was stuck because I allowed Fear in. Fear clouded my mind with indecision. The moment, the SECOND after I made a move…I was ready for the next step.
Well, I can only beat this horse so much. (No, I don’t beat animals) With that said…

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Benjamin Franklin

Now, let’s switch gears. I knew that I was ill. I NEVER had any idea just how ill I was. That was until I reviewed my medical records. We are talking about major systems shutdown. According to the records, I was a member of the walking dead. WOWZERS! When the staff voice their surprise and awe that I still walk amongst them I now know why.

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A suggestion, if you have access to or can get access to your medical records, you should do so. If for nothing else to have an idea of what all of those tests really mean. Plus, I understand that it can be used to communicate with your healthcare professional. THAT would be awesome because as symptoms happen they can be documented and addressed at your next appointment. The possible uses for are endless. I’ve used that information to put on a “carry always” medical info card. Because my mobile locks itself after five minutes. (I also carry a flash drive with most recent MRI and CT scans and medications) I like to prepare just in case something happens and I am unchaperoned.

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Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever read something that just made you feel creepy, gross? Well, I have. A few days ago, I read a profile that just made my flesh crawl. The oddest thing is that there wasn’t really anything particularly harsh or profane. I just felt…..yucky after reading it.

I can’t think of anything else to prattle on about. So I’m going to end with an Alanis Morissette song mash-up…

nothing owed

I wake up and first things first
I’m of service
I make sure your needs are met, I’m so selfless
I give hard and serve hard and now I, I need a break
I give in, I give all and now it’s time to regenerate

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Today’s all about me, all about how I’m feeling
Today’s all about me learning how, how to receive
How to receive,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I am knackered!

Wowzers, today, I returned to the workforce after a year plus of being away. It was a test I set for myself. I’ll say that on the standard A B C D F grading scale I’d give myself a C. I will admit it was fun to move around in the world again. However, I will be unable to move tomorrow. 😜😬

I learned the art of being a DJ. I always thought that it was a rather simple job. I mean how difficult can it be to play records (tapes, CDs, mp3s, etc) right? Well there is SO much more to it. The right playlist; the right games. One must know how to not only entertain today’s sophisticated child, but also the parents of said child. It was an enjoyable few hours. I will admit, it’s not something I’d be able to do again anytime soon.

Another discovery. I can not effectively metabolise nutritional bio-matter if I am overheated. I’ll spare you the details. But I honestly do not know if it was the overheating OR that I’ve not had fast food (burger, fries and a fizzy drink) in months and my body rejected the pseudo-“food” I had for “lunch.”

Fast forward a few hrs later…
Sweet potato fries, oven baked garlic and herb pork chops, fresh tomato and cucumber salad for dinner..all prepared lovingly by me. YUMMY! Have I mentioned that I do like to cook?

Well I am off out. Actually, I’m off in. I’m not moving from this spot (unless I have to spend a penny).

A pui tardi!

✌️✌️

I am…

wondering if conspiracy theorists know something we don’t know.
dumbfounded.
an OK guy.
a loyal (some say to a fault) friend.
someone you can count on.
really, really, REALLY confused.
perplexed.
baffled.
sad.
angry.
frustrated.
on some days “ok looking” on other days,
absolutely stunning.
walking a tight rope of emotion.
ready for the next step of my evolution.
wondering, as I am sure we all have at one time or another, why is man here?
wondering how the universe came into existence.
grateful.

✌️
A pui tardí

But I don’t know you.

Let’s get to the meat of this blog. I am faced with a decision. This is a decision that honestly has me stumped.

I have to have a conversation with a few people that I never thought I would have to have at this stage of my life. The “stumped” part. No matter how I phrase it, no matter how many bows I wrap around it, feelings will be hurt and angry words will be said in the heat of the moment. I’d like to point out that these hurt feelings and angry words won’t be mine.

After 30+ years, people who share my genetic material want to reach out and become a “family.” AFTER 30+ YEARS. Of course, I wonder why. Now, my brother, my younger brother, wants to reunite. It is my opinion that he has a romanticised view of the past, a past coloured by his youth, his want to have extended family and television programming which touts the joyousness of family life.

My problem, I have NO DESIRE to reconnect. NONE WHATSOEVER! I hold no bitterness or avarice toward any of them. I just don’t want to waste the emotional and physical energy. PERIOD! I will admit that I caved in and accepted a friend request but, I’ve made no attempt other than the initial “hello” via messenger.

The other stump, I do not want to ruin my brother’s reunion. People do change and perhaps they have. I think that it is important for him to try to develop a relationship with these people so that he can judge for himself. ZOMGoddess, it just occurred to me that he, my brother, wants me there just in case, the dream is in fact a nightmare. He will have someone on his “side.” That may or may not be true.

I’ll make make attempts to ….no I won’t. I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to do a damn thing. I’m going to try a technique that I’ve seen many others use. I am not going to do anything. Of course I know that by not doing anything, that I am doing something. (Yes, I acknowledge my passive aggressive approach.)

I don’t know these people. 30 + years is a LOT of water under the bridge. I’ve NO warm and fuzzy feeling about a reunion. I’m feeling something. I just don’t know what I’m feeling. I do know that I believe that I have no desire to get to know these people. That’s it! PERIOD

I keep bumping on “feelings.” I wonder if this choice of inactivity is the correct choice. I wonder if I DO have some deep seeded…something. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

Oh well, the Universe shall guide and provide, she always does.

I AM of peace!

a pui tardí

PS. Hello Milady! How are you? You’ve been weighing heavily on my mind of late.

✌️