Category Archives: refocus

I am “sad.” I feel “sadness” in my heart. SAD not “depressed”

I stand here, looking out of the window, listening to Bent’s Swollen. I stand here thinking about how “sad” I am right now. Worry not, this isn’t an “Awwww poor baby” post. πŸ˜†

I am sad….
because, unless the bulk of humanity changes, we are doomed.
because I see fewer and fewer children in the out of doors, playing.
because I see people fight with themselves when deciding betwixt “right” and “wrong” when the choice is “easy.” Just do the right thing!
because those who need to be heard, who should be heard…aren’t heard.
because I am baffled about … just about everything.
because some where, some when – some one is cold, hungry, alone and afraid.
because I’ve not yet met a people whose technology would appear “magical” to me. (just seeing if you’re paying attention. Or am I?)

I am sad…
because of bloodshed over ….
pieces of metal
pieces of paper
how one group acknowledges the Supreme Being
who loves whom
football (American and European)
a pair of trainers
the latest designer fad
a perceived slight
a fight decades old, yet unresolved
because our respective government/rulers have forgotten that they “rule”/”lead” at the whim of the people. (With the exception of a few monarchies)

I am saddened because…
although there are a few people who “get it,” enough do not “get it.”
because as much as I welcome change, I dread the changes taking place in the world today.
because people just don’t get that…..(homage to A Fine Frenzy)

We were all one cell in the sea in the beginning.

Although I am saddened, I do believe that there is hope. LOL, I have faith in humans. I believe, that eventually they’ll do the right thing…..eventually. Let’s hope it won’t be too late.

Oh, I say “sad” not “depressed” because, I know that we can change. It is because of that knowledge that I’m not depressed.

Well, I’m needed in another place in time!

a pui tardi

Yeah, I AM of peace!


I am a liar, plain and simple.

I put on a happy face.
I say, “I’m fine, doing much better.”
Sometimes, I lie to myself.

I say to myself, “today is going to be a better day.”
And, admittedly, it is.
Until I move.

I’m not fine.
My body is broken.
My brain betrays me…almost 24/7.
I ache physically.
I ache spiritually.
I ache.

My senses betray me.
Is this real?

I am a liar.
I’m not fine.
I am dying.
Yeah, I know.
We’re all dying.
It’s the normal conclusion to existence.
Mine is accelerated.

If everything is going to be “ok,”
Why as I type this
Tears are streaming down my face?

I am a liar to those who ask after my health.
I am not “fine.”
It’s not going to be “ok.”
I am going to die.
I am.

I don’t want to.
I’ve not thrown in the towel.
But, I’m tired.
No, not tired.
I am exhausted.

But, I’ll get up.
Wash my face.
Put on a smile.
And say,

I’m fine.
Thanks for asking.


Peace eludes me today.

Ciao, ciao
A pui tardi.

I glimpsed my father in the mirror, and it scared/fascinated me

Howdy, lets jump right into this shall we?

The other day, whilst brushing my teeth or trimming the super beard I caught an image of my father in the mirror. Now, my father has been dead for what seems like forever so long that my brother can’t recall how he looks/looked. He died when I was 12 I think and I’m 46 now and 3 1/2 years older than my brother (you do the math so that’s how long it’s been. I recall the day my father died. He was on his way out, but got this last burst of strength and energy, (from what I recall of the conversation the doctor had with my mither, disconnected himself from the machines and went running down the halls of DePaul (a local hospital in Norfolk) saying that he wanted to see his boys before he died. Fortunately, my mother, as she did daily, was bringing us to visit. He saw us. We went running to him. He said he loved us (which was something he never said and told me “Andrew, always take care of your mother” and died. Right there in the corridor. Then the ward sisters and doctors came, pronounced him “expired” and asked my mother if she would like us to have some counselling. Before she could answer, I looked up at the doctor, who smelled of Vicks vap-o-rub, and said “we knew it was going to happen. He said what he needed to say. I think we’re ok.” My mother, looked at the doctor and said, we’ll see how this settles in a few days. And that was it. His body was prepared for funeral. The service was a few days later. (For some reason it had to be done within days. I can’t recall if it for religious reasons or if she just didn’t want to drag it out.)

I tell that story because of late, I’ve seen my father in mirror. (Oh did I mention that I am and have always been told that I am his spitting image? But the queer thing about it, some nights, when I feel as if I just can’t stand the pain/discomfort anymore, that my mother (who is also dead by the way) sits at the foot of my bed and rubs my feet (which I’ve never liked and hums to me in that off tune humming/singing thing that she does … did. I feel her warmth and smell her scent. And just as I become fully conscious, she’s gone. But before she leaves she whispers “you did exactly what your daddy told you to do. You took care of me til the end of my days. I will never forget that and neither will your daddy.” And he is there too, smoking something that just STINKS.

Wowzers, memories, sensations or perhaps drug induced hallucinations; or, it could be that in this current state I am open to their communication. I don’t know and honestly I don’t care. To see them, hear them, feel their presence….I don’t know makes my heart rejoice. Perhaps “rejoice” isn’t the correct word, but it’s the one I’m using. 😜

I will admit. I do want to try the mirror, but, I don’t know, I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet.

Oh, why are thoughts of amputation and dreams of rehabilitation flooding my dreams of late? Amputation of my left foot to be precise.

Oh well, I’ve got to go and worship the porcelain goddess. I AM SO OVER THAT SHIT!

As usual, I am of peace. (Yeah, I cling to peace because if I didn’t all hell would break loose. )

A pui tardi

Oh, PS. On Tuesday, I reclaim my control over my care. Using the interwebs, I’ve discovered all types of alternative medicines.
Ciao ciao.

Tuesday, thus far (that was the original title)

Greetings and well met! Hey, how are you?

I’m trying a new format here. I would like to see if by utilising this “free writing” method, if I’ll keep up with this blog. Because I really do not know why I can’t put a few words together and tell a story. REALLY!


My dreams have returned. Or perhaps the more accurate statement is that I am now able to recall some of the images. For the most part, they’ve been rather uneventful. Most have been down right funny. There was only one that woke me from a sound sleep….screaming. That, as one can imagine was not fun.

I’ve lost an important and inspirational influence in my life. It is my fault and I accept full responsibility. As usual, when I act from an emotional place, I cock things up. One would think that I would learn. Unfortunately for me, I do not believe that there is any chance for reconciliation. And I will BE FOREVER SADDENED BY THE LOSS.

But I can’t mend the jug with regret.

I’ve been hearing my Mother’s voice calling my name for the past few days. It was so realistic that on the past two, it actually startled me. The other day, I smelled the fragrance of her soap. I don’t use that brand…

I am finding it more and more difficult to remember my Father. I can’t even picture his face anymore.

My brother is also a concern. He worries about me. I worry about him. I worry …

Well, I’m finished with this one.

Oh no, I’m not finished!

I am tired of having to pay because our ELECTED officials can not seem to balance a check book. Why am I being taxed when I buy an item? Why am I taxed quarterly on items ALREADY taxed? Have a Hybrid? Get TAXED. Have a moped or a scooter? Get TAXED. TAX TAX TAX TAX TAX TAX TAX. This probably makes no sense to you. However, I know. πŸ™‚

A pui tardi! ✌


Ciao ciao!

5 and 50 – a few observations

Hi, hello! Hiya!

Well, in two days I’ve participated in two life marking events; a fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration (yeah, there are a few people who take their wedding vows seriously) and a birthday party for a five year old girl. Both were ….WOWZERS. To see a living testament of love, fidelity and commitment was and still is amazing. On the other hand, to see the wonder and awe in the eyes of a five year old and then in a flash, see her grow from child to young girl, to woman…wow.

Moving on…

My UK guru has done it again. What has she done? She taught me a lesson. The lesson she “taught” on expectations. I’m driving the expressway— BOOYAKITTY! Expectation – My read on her “lesson”; if one puts an expectation on something or someone, a “limit” has been set, opinions start to form – thoughts start to form – helpful or unhelpful thoughts/opinions. So, mentally we have already set ourselves up before an event even happens.

(It’s actually more profound in my head as opposed to on screen). That’s all! I just thought My UK guru has done it again. πŸ™‚


Grief. Wow, I am always amazed at how freely people give advice about grief. Hey how about this…just leave the grieved alone (unless they’re suicidal or something.). But offering anecdotes about how you got over this or that. Well, yippie bloody doo for you! And as I write this the thought comes….the level of grief, I believe, is proportionate to the level of love, adoration and respect one has for the decedent. and now the voice is gone

Oops, I’ve to go. I’m needed in another place in time.

Ciao ciao.

a pui tardi!

strani sogni e ricordi / Strange dreams and memories


Ok, ciao, su che cosa Γ¨?
Now, for the past few nights, I’ve been in bed and asleep by 5p only per “svegliare” a un’ora empi. Whatever!

I’ve been using binaural energy to induce various states of “rest.” Last night I used the “remember” frequency. Don’t know what I hoped to remember, just wanted to see what it would do. Let’s FLASHFORWARD to a few hrs ago. I recalled with perfect clarity what I wanted to say to a languages professor DECADES AGO, but didn’t. I saw the day, what I wore, what she wore, the look on faces…as if I were reliving it again.

I recalled a conversation I had years ago. That recollection saddened me, because-well another path was taken and …

E ‘solo strano, that these two distinct, let’s take a trip back in time to … happened after listening to that certain frequency. Now as I type hurriedly, I wonder if by combining one or two of said frequencies, what effect, if any will it have on a subject. Let’s say we combine “sleep and dream” and “remember”. Humm,

What are binaural frequencies?
Binaural beats or binaural tones are auditory processing artifacts, or apparent sounds, the perception of which arises in the brain for specific physical stimuli. This effect was discovered in 1839 by Heinrich Wilhelm Dove, and earned greater public awareness in the late 20th century based on claims that binaural beats could help induce relaxation, meditation, creativity and other desirable mental states. The effect on the brainwaves depends on the difference in frequencies of each tone, for example, if 300 Hz was played in one ear and 310 in the other, then the Binaural beat would have a frequency of 10 Hz.

Have we discussed my animal guide? My animal token?


Beautiful creature, no?

I’ve been thinking about the Three Universal “Truths”. We’ll discuss those later.

Went through some old movies I hadn’t watched in a while and DUNE caught my eye….


The litany against fear is an incantation used by the Bene Gesserit to focus their minds and calm themselves in times of peril. The litany is as follows:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

a pui tardi



ξ„Œ that is not the digi-art. I just want to see if these icon things translate/transfer to the blog as an image or as code. ξŒ¦ξ€Ύξ€‘