Category Archives: Selective verbalisation of my thoughts

i am going to be all over the place with this one…

where do i want to start?
“the beginning is always a good place.”
i don’t want to go that far back.

well, it is almost a year that my life, my existence changed…forever.

ups and downs
hither and ‘yond
“life”
“death”
laughter
despair
loneliness – both complete and incomplete

as i sit here and type these words…these feelings into being….

i got up to get a granola bar and now i’ve forgotten what i was going to say. welcome to my world!!! 🙂 🙂

ahhhhh

i’ve often heard the phrase ‘the business of living’ but lately, i’ve been more concerned about or with ‘the business of death.’

i’ve discovered that there are varied ranges in cost and pomp in funeral preperation. (i now see why my mother did her advanced planning) even for the most (i think) simplest of services. (simple cremation and find a tree or a wood that wont be destroyed in months to come to make way for another mini-mall or housing complex an d spread my ashes.

i’ve seen the attempts at upselling casket liners…(really, at that point WHO THE HELL CARES???) types of caskets and/or memorial “take aways”, videos, plaques, laminated obituraries….all costing the bereaved thousands and thousands of dollars. what ever happened to the days of newspaper obituary listings. I was just AMAZED, floored, stunned, flabbergasted. Ahhhh, the little voice is speaking to me. She says…

drew, my dearest drew. funerals aren’t for the dead. they are for the survivors. the more elaborate and expensive the service, the more guilt the survivors have.

i don’t quite know what to make of that. so i’ll just walk away.

i made another jaw dropping realisation a few days ago. i wanted to sit with it, chew on it and see if the associated feelings were genuine or just poo.

i, of course decided that the feeling was genuine and from my perspective #truth. what was the realisation? i realised that in many cases….

i am a better friend to my friends than they are to me.

this is what i mean… you know what, an explanation is not really necessary. i say that not to dissuade discussion. i say it because it was/is how i felt. and we all know that there is very little logic when dealing with feelings.

and another thing.
there are times, when sitting in my chair, gazing out, i run scenarios through my head. those “if i hadn’t met ‘x’ my life would be different” kinda things.

yes, i am aware that of course things would be different. i’m not a complete goober.

i just think about how one encounter with someone – ripples through out …time.

i would murder for a lasagna and salad with a balsamic vinegar dressing. i will settle for carrot sticks and ranch dressing.

when did sex and sexuality become things used to define people? i am aware of the adage “sex sells,” but, it seems that it is everywhere now and with that the various aspects of sexuality. homosexuality, heterosexuality, asexuality, bisexuality, celibacy, abstinence, transexuality…what is the big bleeding deal? i don’t understand. that is just ONE, tiny aspect of a person. just ONE aspect. i’m walking away again.

whoa, now some states will allow businesses the right to deny service to LGBT people or anyone else who contradicts an owner’s religious beliefs. i don’t know if i am “pleased – let me explain about the use of ‘pleased’ that some bigots aren’t letting their love of the almighty dollar guide their consciences. what does it matter how someone spends their private time when they are ordering the best champagne and top tier meal? but i guess, poverty and hatred are more worthy than providing the BEST customer service to PAYING customers. great ceaser’s ghost! what the hell is happening to the world? What happened to tolerance?

i’ve discovered that i have two you tube channels. i kinda recall creating the second. i thought that i was signing in using my google account. i wasn’t. i was creating an account. oh well, i am not going to delete it. i’m thinking that it was created for some reason. i just have to figure out what that reason is. A thought was to let it be a channel for unedited thoughts/unguarded moments (as “unguarded” as one can be when being recorded). it will also be used to put what i’m reading into action Daring Greatly. i need to work on a few things and i think this may just be one of the many tools to help along the way.

i’m also going to start to minimise my online presence. what i mean by that. i am going to “shut down” some little used to not used vedekdrew sites. although i had a larger following on blogger, i believe that i’ll stick with wordpress for now. i’m kinda torn with regard to the online photo storage sites i use. flickr offers one TB of storage. i’ve already almost maxed out my dropbox account and my shoebox is best used on my portable devices.

i’ve tossed and turned with writing this. i’ve decided to go ahead.
if you’ve been following this blog/sporadic ramblings, you’ll recall that i am coming up on the one year anniversary of my…terminal diagnosis. the inoperable brain tumour/lesion/hole whatever its called. if you also recall, i shared with you that i was told that i (A.) wouldn’t live past All Hallows’ Eve (that Halloween to some). Then, I was told (B.) that if i made it past AHE, that it would be a miracle if i made it to the new year. guess what, the new year has come and gone.

well, it is 24 april 2014 and….i am still here. and dare i say it, today, i feel that all of the pain and suffering may have been worth it. (no not really)
i will share this with you. it is my opinion; it is my belief that NO MAN/WOMANshould EVERknow when they will or may expire. As the day approaches, one becomes some what paralysed with indecision. i admit, i am still ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop.’ those days when it takes every bit of reserve to just move…i think ‘today is the day.’ when i have that extra burst of energy, i recall stories of people who had that burst of energy before they died. yeah, that is where my head goes sometimes.

but, now, i’ve to decide on what is the next path for me. i am considered permanently disabled because of the inoperability of the tumour/lesion/hole thingie. but that leads to another problem. i’ll need to earn some money. living off of the investments, savings and insurance payments will eventually run out. i am unable to receive any help from the state as a result of my “income.” it is just frustrating. HOWEVER, i am much better off than others. i do not have to worry about having the electrics turned off or any of the other mod-cons. for now at least….but with this change that HAS TO BE MADE…

well. i am off out! i want to put this to “bed” and start the next one (finish the other on the clipboard.)

OH, ONE THING

there was a time, when mine was a very regimented, well-scheduled life/existence. i knew where i was supposed to be, what i was supposed to be doing, etc, etc, etc. somewhere along the line i adopted a ‘go with the flow attitude.’ i think that i am going to have to find a happy medium betwixt the two. i LIKE the idea of planning. i like the perceived “control.’ however, i also like the fluidity of the flow. arrrrrrgh

i do know that i have to return to a schedule. there are more than enough hours in the day to get what i want to complete – completed! i am going to play around with it – a schedule.

well, guess what, i am needed in another place in time… 🙂 \O/

a pui tardi

i am of peace

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Thursday, 21 November 2013 : I am SO BLOODY tired of people….

desktop clear-off

…saying that I have a “shitty” attitude, especially when my attitude hasn’t changed…much.

So, because I am a man who, when told – no when an observation is made about my behaviour that I am behaving churlishly, takes a step back to analyse and make the proper adjustments. (If that makes any sense.)

So, lets see, what have I done?
I’ve made it clear that I will answer questions put to me without hyperbole and half truths.
I’ve made it clear, that at this juncture in my life, that I will only do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
I’ve made it clear that if asked my opinion, that I am going to offer it. I am sorry that my opinion differs from the one wanted.
I’ve made it clear that whatever is left of my “estate” will be donated to charity. (Not like I have much) I’ve no children or mate and my brother has more than enough money to live and live well.
I’ve made it clear that I want to “live” and not just exist.
I’ve made it clear that I am not interested in the banal. (Who am I to determine what is banal or not? I am the person who has to listen to the shyte and if all one can talk about is Lady Gaga and the AMA, I am definitely NOT interested.)
I’ve made it clear that just because “you” refuse to acknowledge that I’ve a short self life that doesn’t mean that I will bury my head in the sand and pretend that all is well.

So, I guess that does make me an arsehole with a “shitty” attitude. (jejejeje no pun intended)

Moving on to “passive/aggressive behaviour.” I am, believe it or not, almost a half a century old. In that time, I have realised that instead of pouting and trying to do end runs around people, that I “confront,” I question that person face to face instead of posting queries on social networks or saying less than helpful things KNOWING that it is going to get back to me. then when I ask, the statement is denied. This is what it boils down to, or at least this is what it should boil down to, if you don’t like something I’ve said, something I’ve done, TELL ME. I am the ONLY one who can explain my actions and walking around like a badger with a sore nose serves no one any good.

Ok, I’ve recently posted a “joke” on FaceBook that seems to have folk in an uproar. I don’t get it. Here was the post.

Gotcha! It’s a game. You should have never commented or liked my status. HAHAHA! You fell into the trap. The person who likes/comments has to choose one of the following to post as his/her Status, Profile or Cover photo. 1. We eloped! 2. We’re getting married. 3. We’re engaged 4. Wedding bells 5. Engagement ring 6. I’m moving to another country. 7. I’m expecting 8. Ultrasound 9. I just bought a new Ferrari. 10. I just got a pet Alligator. 11. I’m still in love with my ex. 12. I’m in love with a stripper. 13. I’m a stripper on weekends. Make it believable and juicy! Note: You cannot explain anything, just post and leave it up for a few days and INBOX only your victims. I’m also a victim lol btw this is one dumb ass game.

forgot where I was going with this one.

A pui tardi!

I think I’d become trapped, no, I had become trapped.

and I still am, but now recognised as traps. Did that make sense?

THE TRAPS

the trap of believing that one has to be a part of a pair in order to be complete.

the trap of emotion. (Ahh, here we go)
It isn’t often that I let anyone into my most personal space…my head.

“What on Earth do you mean?”
I mean, to occupy so much of mind that they become all I think about. That I wonder what they’re doing every minute of the day.

That was just too freakin odd. And I did not like that at all.

the trap, that, I think many people feel today. the trap of “what’s the sodding point?”

You know what, don’t feel like listing all of the traps. Let’s just lump it into the trap of LIFE.

But, as usual, the UNIVERSE parted the veil so that vision could be cleared….

The moment I let go of IT, was the moment I got more than I could handle.
The moment I jumped off of IT, was the moment I touched down.

I happened to be listening to Alanis Morissette this morning whilst driving somewhere. And the moment I sang those words….a sigh of relief.

So I’m letting go of IT.

that is today, right now as I write this

Oh, 2013 is the year of write and post. No editing, no self censoring. Just sayin’.

I am of peace

Got the Sandalwood burning…

I’m ♫ soundtracking “Becoming More Peaceful” by Nawang Khechog http://sdtk.fm/x1g8zN

Had a delightful dinner with some really good people. And I behaved myself. I had the fruit bowl.
What is the APOD (Astronomy Picture Of the Day)?

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Opportunity Rover Spots Greeley Haven on Mars

Image Credit: Mars Exploration Rover Mission, Cornell, JPL, NASA

changing the subject

The discussion of legalising marijuana in the Commonwealth of Virginia has or is rearing its head again……

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Of course, the nay Sayers use as their “drive the nail home point” that they wouldn’t want buzzed people on the roads. I started to wonder…..

We probably pass (on our respective highways 100s if not 1000s of people, already high on….

20120125-220759.jpg. just sayin’

My next topic…..

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I have discovered that if I am to avoid hurting the feeling of a few of those closest to me; I’ve discovered that I must cease and desist all authentic communication with them and basically lie to them. Wait a mo..not lie, but interpret the “facts” of a moment based on their world view and then agree with that skewed (notice,I didn’t say warped, fucked up, idiotic, just where the hell do you live) point of view. I’m up for the challenge.

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It’s the year of the Dragon….

This is what my “horoscope” says. (I found this on the web somewhere.)
Thank goodness for open spaces, because the Horse needs plenty of room to roam! true
Energetic, good with money and very fond of travel, Horses are the nomads of the Chinese Zodiac, roaming from one place or project to the next. yes, ok, yes
All of this Sign’s incessant activity and searching may be to satisfy a deep-rooted desire to fit in. don’t know about this
Paradoxically, Horses feel a simultaneous yearning for independence and freedom. true
Horses crave love and intimacy, which is a double-edged sword since it often leads them to feel trapped. don’t know about “crave.”
Love connections tend to come easily to Horses, since they exude the kind of raw sex appeal that is a magnet to others. oh really now? REALLY?
This Sign tends to come on very strong in the beginning of the relationship, having an almost innate sense of romance and seduction. Horses are seducers in general; check out any A-list party and you’re bound to find the Horse in attendance. This Sign possesses a sharp wit and a scintillating presence; it really knows how to work a crowd. ok, yeah
Surprisingly, Horses tend to feel a bit inferior to their peers, a misconception that causes them to drift from group to group out of an irrational fear of being exposed as a fraud. inferior re: how to handle social situations where strong emotions are involved, yeah
An impatient streak can lead Horses to be less than sensitive to others’ needs. I am probably the MOST patient man on the planetThese colts would rather take a situation firmly in hand as opposed to waiting for others to weigh in or come to terms with it. OK
The lone wolf inside the Horse can at times push others away, but this also makes this Sign stronger and is a key to its success. most time I manage to push people into the arms of another. A story for another day.
Horses are self-reliant and, though they might lose interest fast in a tedious, nine-to-five day job, are willing to do the work necessary to get ahead. true
Horses tend not to look much at the big picture; instead they just follow their whims, which can result in a trail of prematurely ended relationships, jobs, projects and so on. nyet! I always take the “big picture” into consideration
This Sign really knows how to motivate others, though, and get a lot accomplished.
Once they find some peace within themselves my never ending search, they can curb their wandering tendencies and learn to appreciate what’s in their own backyard.

Ok….really?

Well, I’m outta here like spit through a trumpet!

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a pui tardi

Another blog, brought to you by……GetGlue.com and …..

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Ok, I’m also thinking about “peers.”

A few days ago, I listened to this kid complain about his mother.
Now, I will admit, she is a piece of work!! But I kept my mouth shut, until he said one thing.

I would think that we would be peers by now.”

“Young sir, if you live to be a thousand, and she two, you WILL NEVER BE A PEER TO YOUR MOTHER or FATHER.” You may earn more, be better educated, younger and a laundry list of “plusses” in your column; but you will never be their peer. And for your relationship to progress and be less stressful to you and those around you; you need to realise and accept that fact. NEVER

a pui tardi

I ❤ comic books – The science of MAGNETO

I ran across this in the wee hours of the am.

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Magneto’s control over non-ferrous materials, from metals like gold to ceramincs to organic matter, is also accomplished through magnetism. Protons, neutrons and electrons all have magnetic fields that interact to hold the atom together, the positive charges of the protons governing the number of negatively charged electrons orbiting the nucleus and therefore dictating the type of atom it is. The exchange of the negatively charged electrons between the positively charged nuclei of atoms is what creates molecules. These magnetic fields seem minuscule, but their combined strength is so strong that they overcome the forces of gravity. Hence the reason you do not simply fall through the ground into the center of the earth. The electromagnetic bonds between the atoms of you feet are repelled by the electromagnetic bonds of the atoms of the ground. These small magnetic fields cause a non-ferrous substance to be either paramagnetic or diamagnetic.

If you want a more detailed explanation, please see the link below.

http://www.magnetowasright.com/pages/analysis/the-science-of-magneto.php

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a pui tardi

Wow, it’s almost the end…

Ok, one way to make up for lost blogging days….post your “drafts.”
Yeah, I think I’ve posted four or five blogs left on or is it “in” “draft” status. Of course, I believe that most of the were combined in another blog, but as I said in one, “oh well.”

I’m just pleased “TO BE.”.

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Now off to read some statistical analyses. Type to you next year. 👽👽👽👽😜

a pui tardi