PICTURE IT, Virginia Beach, Virginia 2013….
Keep in mind friends, I hear the little voice in my head saying; “Check your tone. Check your words. Check your attitude. Breathe….. breathe….breathe!”
But something, just kept pushing me…forcing me to…be the ginormous arsehole that I can be, have been and most likely will be in future.
Why ask that?
Who said that about you?
Why do you constantly need the adoration of people who don’t care if you’re dead or alive?
What, you’ve not received the amount of attention required to make you feel complete?
What, do you need ANOTHER pat on the back to build your ego?
What is the fucking purpose of this dialogue?
What do you want me to say?
I don’t have time for this shit, get the fuck out of my face.
She fled and the wretched thing about it, I then followed her through the house…badgering, picking, antagonising until, in a stream of tears and sobs, she literally runs out of the house.
With no one else left on which to pick, reason set in and I started questioning my behaviours.
“Drew Alden, what the frak just happened there?”
“Drew Alden, WTF?”
“Drew Alden, did you stroke out for a minute?”
“Drew Alden, can we say MPD?”
The question was NOT what ticked me off. But as I re-read this, the question itself was but one catalyst. Additional factors were the way it was asked (that bloody voice). Her sanctimonious expression she used (one that should have told me that she needed ego stroking; an expression she used before when needing to have her ego stroked).
Just her entire carriage offended me and I lashed out!
But why Drew? Nothing has changed, she is now, what she was then and what she will be in future.
I believe it is because I’ve never one who sought out accolades and it baffles me when some only do “helpful” things when they will reap some reward, be it tangible or intangible. I’ve never really had that problem. If I believe that my motives are pure, I don’t really give a rip what anyone else thinks. I have never been one who required the consensus of his friends in order to make a decision. When I do something, I do it for the cosmic return of helpful energy. I was stunned, amazed, baffled and a few more adjectives that I can’t recall. BUT WHY???
I can’t answer why….right now. Perhaps in a few weeks, it will all be made clear.
Now, on to another thing…
Have you ever had a thought, one that is “so unlike you” that it baffled you?
Whoa, what was I thinking
Why did that come to mind?
Could I really do that to someone and keep them alive?
Can one do that and keep a person alive?
Would he/she really be missed?
I could cut you from navel to nose and not sweat a drop.
You know, thoughts like that! I won’t mention the other thoughts I’ve had. Let’s just say that it would make any alleged thoughts had by Caligua (minus the incest) seem virginal. (Is that even a word, "virginal?")
I just find it odd, that these admittedly violent thoughts enter my head and for a moment I play them out. I look for areas of improvement. I see the events unfold before my eyes. :-0 momentary contact with a parallel universe perhaps? 🙂 However, when reason returns… 🙂 that and the fact that I’m too pretty for prison. LOL!!!
As I type, I am reminded of an episode of Star Trek where Spock (TOS), no, it was Tuvok (Voyager), humm perhaps it was T’Pol (Enterprise) (it was one of those Vulcans) who said that it is not the destruction of emotions, but its mastery of emotion that Vulcans seek. To master those less than helpful thoughts, feelings, musings into something helpful. Oh well, that thought is gone!
I have a LOT of things I need to wrap up! I’ve projects on my desk, desktop and in various places in the yard that need to be completed soon before I take on anything else. I also have some vlogging to do. Busy busy busy..
I did tell you that this was going to be a “WTF” entry. A hodgepodge of thoughts if you will.
Oh, the latest piece commissioned by the Lady Donna.
For some reason, I decided to overlay a cloud picture. Why? Because I could. 😛
Oh, health update: I’m still here. I am beginning to feel a bit more like my old self more and more. The docs still won’t let me drive. I have been forbidden to return to the gym. I can’t be outside for extended periods of time and the big kick in the crotch, I need to have a chaperone whenever I leave the house. REALLY!!!!!! I’m like 1/2 a billion years old and I’m not allowed out without a playmate!!! LOL!!!! I can’t even participate in the 30 day squat challenge. Something about inter-cranial pressure, oedema (oh my goodness, oedema=dropsy, who knew?) I need to do something because I’m becoming flabbier around the middle than usual. The tumour has decreased in size (horizontally) but there is still swelling and a mysterious bleed. I’ve to schedule another MRI within the next few weeks. I discovered today, that I have HUGE gaps in memory. It isn’t as difficult, but I am still having trouble “thinking.” Additionally, there are times when an appendage will just start to shake – uncontrollably, lasting for a few seconds. However, those “seconds” feel like minutes!
Flip the script although I can’t do a lot of things, I am able to do things differently. For example, humm, can’t really think of anything right now. But I know that I am able to do some things, that I never made time for in past.
I am going to end…this entry here. The next entry, which may be posted later today, well….stay tuned…
most likely SSDD
A pui tardi!
I am of peace…most of the time.
No really, I am! 🙂