Category Archives: testing

I am “sad.” I feel “sadness” in my heart. SAD not “depressed”

I stand here, looking out of the window, listening to Bent’s Swollen. I stand here thinking about how “sad” I am right now. Worry not, this isn’t an “Awwww poor baby” post. 😆

I am sad….
because, unless the bulk of humanity changes, we are doomed.
because I see fewer and fewer children in the out of doors, playing.
because I see people fight with themselves when deciding betwixt “right” and “wrong” when the choice is “easy.” Just do the right thing!
because those who need to be heard, who should be heard…aren’t heard.
because I am baffled about … just about everything.
because some where, some when – some one is cold, hungry, alone and afraid.
because I’ve not yet met a people whose technology would appear “magical” to me. (just seeing if you’re paying attention. Or am I?)

I am sad…
because of bloodshed over ….
pieces of metal
pieces of paper
how one group acknowledges the Supreme Being
who loves whom
land
water
cattle
dogs
football (American and European)
a pair of trainers
the latest designer fad
gold
oil
a perceived slight
a fight decades old, yet unresolved
because our respective government/rulers have forgotten that they “rule”/”lead” at the whim of the people. (With the exception of a few monarchies)

I am saddened because…
although there are a few people who “get it,” enough do not “get it.”
because as much as I welcome change, I dread the changes taking place in the world today.
because people just don’t get that…..(homage to A Fine Frenzy)

We were all one cell in the sea in the beginning.

Although I am saddened, I do believe that there is hope. LOL, I have faith in humans. I believe, that eventually they’ll do the right thing…..eventually. Let’s hope it won’t be too late.

Oh, I say “sad” not “depressed” because, I know that we can change. It is because of that knowledge that I’m not depressed.

Well, I’m needed in another place in time!

a pui tardi

Yeah, I AM of peace!

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I’ve lost my reminder

A few days ago, I lost the last reminder of a decade old association. I cried! Well, perhaps “cried” isn’t an accurate word. A tear or two fell from an eye.

That ring was a symbol of what NOT to fall for in a person.

That ring was a symbol of what happens when one throws ALL reason out the window.

That ring was a symbol of just how rude, inconsiderate and crappy one human being can be to another.

I keep this close to heart. I really don’t need a reminder. I just have to look at the past decade plus of my life for a reminder. Hell, I am a living reminder.

Yet, the fond memories associated with the reminder…still make me blush to this day!!

LOL!!!

a pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.

I’ve been tested and was found lacking/ When “good” people think “bad” thoughts and a general WTF?????

PICTURE IT, Virginia Beach, Virginia 2013….

I’m in my quarters, minding my own business and I was asked a silly question. NOW, I realise that it was a test…..NOW I realise that. Then I did not. In my annoyance, I, Drew, snapped!

“Why would you ask me a stupid question like that, I bellowed?”


Keep in mind friends, that she used that IRRITATING, cutie baby voice that I’m discovering a lot of grown women think is cute when trying to manipulate a male, a voice that DRIVES ME CRAZY.

Keep in mind friends, I hear the little voice in my head saying; “Check your tone. Check your words. Check your attitude. Breathe….. breathe….breathe!”
But something, just kept pushing me…forcing me to…be the ginormous arsehole that I can be, have been and most likely will be in future.

Why ask that?

Who said that about you?

Why do you constantly need the adoration of people who don’t care if you’re dead or alive?

What, you’ve not received the amount of attention required to make you feel complete?

What, do you need ANOTHER pat on the back to build your ego?

What is the fucking purpose of this dialogue?

What do you want me to say?

I don’t have time for this shit, get the fuck out of my face.


She fled and the wretched thing about it, I then followed her through the house…badgering, picking, antagonising until, in a stream of tears and sobs, she literally runs out of the house.
With no one else left on which to pick, reason set in and I started questioning my behaviours.

“Drew Alden, what the frak just happened there?”
“Drew Alden, WTF?”
“Drew Alden, did you stroke out for a minute?”
“Drew Alden, can we say MPD?”

After reflection…
The question was NOT what ticked me off. But as I re-read this, the question itself was but one catalyst. Additional factors were the way it was asked (that bloody voice). Her sanctimonious expression she used (one that should have told me that she needed ego stroking; an expression she used before when needing to have her ego stroked).

Just her entire carriage offended me and I lashed out!

But why Drew? Nothing has changed, she is now, what she was then and what she will be in future.

I believe it is because I’ve never one who sought out accolades and it baffles me when some only do “helpful” things when they will reap some reward, be it tangible or intangible. I’ve never really had that problem. If I believe that my motives are pure, I don’t really give a rip what anyone else thinks. I have never been one who required the consensus of his friends in order to make a decision. When I do something, I do it for the cosmic return of helpful energy. I was stunned, amazed, baffled and a few more adjectives that I can’t recall. BUT WHY???

I can’t answer why….right now. Perhaps in a few weeks, it will all be made clear.

Now, on to another thing…

Have you ever had a thought, one that is “so unlike you” that it baffled you?

Whoa, what was I thinking
Why did that come to mind?
Could I really do that to someone and keep them alive?
Can one do that and keep a person alive?
Would he/she really be missed?
I could cut you from navel to nose and not sweat a drop.

You know, thoughts like that! I won’t mention the other thoughts I’ve had. Let’s just say that it would make any alleged thoughts had by Caligua (minus the incest) seem virginal. (Is that even a word, "virginal?")

I just find it odd, that these admittedly violent thoughts enter my head and for a moment I play them out. I look for areas of improvement. I see the events unfold before my eyes. :-0 momentary contact with a parallel universe perhaps? 🙂 However, when reason returns… 🙂 that and the fact that I’m too pretty for prison. LOL!!!

As I type, I am reminded of an episode of Star Trek where Spock (TOS), no, it was Tuvok (Voyager), humm perhaps it was T’Pol (Enterprise) (it was one of those Vulcans) who said that it is not the destruction of emotions, but its mastery of emotion that Vulcans seek. To master those less than helpful thoughts, feelings, musings into something helpful. Oh well, that thought is gone!

I have a LOT of things I need to wrap up! I’ve projects on my desk, desktop and in various places in the yard that need to be completed soon before I take on anything else. I also have some vlogging to do. Busy busy busy..

I did tell you that this was going to be a “WTF” entry. A hodgepodge of thoughts if you will.


Oh, the latest piece commissioned by the Lady Donna.

20130820-153635.jpg
For some reason, I decided to overlay a cloud picture. Why? Because I could. 😛

Oh, health update: I’m still here. I am beginning to feel a bit more like my old self more and more. The docs still won’t let me drive. I have been forbidden to return to the gym. I can’t be outside for extended periods of time and the big kick in the crotch, I need to have a chaperone whenever I leave the house. REALLY!!!!!! I’m like 1/2 a billion years old and I’m not allowed out without a playmate!!! LOL!!!! I can’t even participate in the 30 day squat challenge. Something about inter-cranial pressure, oedema (oh my goodness, oedema=dropsy, who knew?) I need to do something because I’m becoming flabbier around the middle than usual. The tumour has decreased in size (horizontally) but there is still swelling and a mysterious bleed. I’ve to schedule another MRI within the next few weeks. I discovered today, that I have HUGE gaps in memory. It isn’t as difficult, but I am still having trouble “thinking.” Additionally, there are times when an appendage will just start to shake – uncontrollably, lasting for a few seconds. However, those “seconds” feel like minutes!

Flip the script although I can’t do a lot of things, I am able to do things differently. For example, humm, can’t really think of anything right now. But I know that I am able to do some things, that I never made time for in past.

I am going to end…this entry here. The next entry, which may be posted later today, well….stay tuned…

same time
same channel
most likely SSDD

A pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.

No really, I am! 🙂

Happiness = Security … or does it?

Wow, once more into the fire.

Would you, could you agree that happiness = security? That without “security” we can’t be happy?

Well, my “security” was taken away today.

(The details aren’t important as they would mean nothing to you. Not being mean or secretive, just telling the “truth.”)

Yet, I’ve not noticed a noticeable drop OR rise in my “happiness.” So is that a valid equation? I have no idea if this loss of “assumed security,” if it is a permanent or temporary situation. However, permanent or temporary the situation, ” ‘life’ will go on.”

But, I’m reflecting on conversations and observations and things are making me say hummm…

Now, one voice is calmly whispering in my ear “the universe will take care of her own.”

“your happiness level hasn’t changed because your “true” security hasn’t been taken away.”

Ok, that is one voice. The other is running the gambit. Dealing with an entire range of human emotions…..so many that I can not/am not equipped to handle them.

Anger (I am always angry. My mother says that I was an angry baby. Not a bite you angry, just this disapproving scowl. But this is different. This time I am more angry with myself for the poorly conceived decisions I made and honestly for listening to ANYTHING except my head. )

Fear (as to the next step. Where do I go from here? )

Confusion (oh my, what to do, what to do?)

Faith (I never thought I was a person of faith. I just took it for granted that if I did “a” and “b” , “c- would happen.” but, now there is something…. Can’t put a pin on it, but….)

Blame (I always go there when I do not want to accept my role in whatever less than helpful situation I find myself. But eventually I realise that I must bear the brunt on the responsibility. And the realisation that those who wrong others and gain from that will rarely accept responsibility – so why blame them?)

But of them all I am still “happy.” Well as “happy” as I allow myself. But you know what, my happiness level is the same today as it was yesterday. (well that’s not the truth, I am in a much better mood than yester-morning. But that pissy mood was banished after Thomi and her workout. Perhaps, yesterday was a trial run…instead of RE-acting today, I PRE-acted yesterday.) But all in all, I am no more “happier” than the “norm.”

So what gives? My “assumed security” is gone, yet my “happiness” is the same. How can that be?

Am I “willing” myself happy? Or is this some type of shock?

Oh well, a pui tardi!

I am of peace…most of the time.

today as you can tell

has been a day of experimentation. i think i am liking this new phone.
no let me change that i am liking the ease of use. let’s face it the
other comm devices i have are light years ahead of this, but the
simplicity of design..ahhh i think i am in love. so i pray thee allow
this to be your warning. i have a few more test to run. the next…
the use of the video cam and embedding!!!! yeah, i can be “nerd-like.”

🙂


The WILL focuses the WORD. The WORD gives meaning to the EVENT. Focus
your WILL, speak the WORD and the EVENT will happen.