Category Archives: understanding

A decision made and one I hope to keep.

With that last blog “Status update becomes a blog,” I’ve made yet another decision. I’m really tired of being bombarded by the less than helpful images and general “news” of the world on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called, so I am going to change what I want to see on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. I’m going to change what I post on my timeline/feed/whatever the hell it’s called. Bye bye, CNN, ABC and the like. I ❤️ ya Huffpost, but you gotta go. Let me put it this way. If it’s not music related, family related, garden related and basic general stuff; I’m not going to post it. After all I don’t and people should not get their “news” from Facebook, Twitter, Flickr and the like.

We’ll see how this works..

✌️ my siblings from another mother✌️

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I’ve been putting off thinking about it…

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That’s how much longer until I find out if all of the drugs have worked. I find out if the bleeding has stopped, if the mass has continued it’s lack of growth. (Dare I hope for a retreat? I can hope all I want!)

Wow, yesterday it was a year that I was diagnosed with this thing in my head. It was shortly thereafter, I was told that my prognosis was grim. In fact, I was told that if I made it to Halloween; it would be a miracle. Halloween came and went. The Drewster is still here. (I don’t know why I said “Drewster.” DON’T)
Then, “if you make it to the new year, count your blessings. You were/are really sick.” Well, it’s obvious that the new year has come and gone – and no, I’m not penning this from the other side, yeppers, I’m still…here.

The “emotional roller coaster” one rides when faced with pending mortality is a fucked up, vomitious, cry/rage fest that just cannot be adequately described.

So, imagine if you will; I am “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I am waiting to just fall over and expire. But that isn’t happening. I feel like I’m dying. I feel like dying, but it just ain’t happening.
(No, I’m not)

Ok, so attempts at weaving ones tattered life BACK together begins. Wait a minute!! I was going to go one way with that, but I’d rather go another.

As I attempt to re-weave threads of connections and weave new connections, I’ve been afforded a wonderful opportunity to start relationships over or to leave these relationships go. The past year has shown me, just how strong of a thread I’ve used to weave the relationship.

I’m sorry about the “weaving” I’m thinking about RTO and watching a spider spin her web, the fragile appearance to some, yet deadly to others.

Surprisingly, it has been very easy to unravel connections that have been less than helpful. Some I just stopped trying to build with them. Others, simple explanations as to why I’ve unstitched the thread…when asked.

It has been equally easy to reinforce the stitch.

(heavy sigh)

I don’t know why.
I don’t know how.
I don’t know if it was prayer.
I don’t know if it was bathing in the gifts of white light.
I don’t know if it’s my latent mutant physiology.
I don’t know if it was diet.
I don’t know why.

I do know this.
NOW is much better than THEN and TOMORROW, well I’ll worry about that..tomorrow.

😆😜😃😝👽

a pui tardi
✌️

It’s kinda…odd…kinda strano…

To have strangers, strangers who have been allowed to enter your “world” (or at least one of your worlds,) via glimpses of thoughts posted here or there; “know” you and comment on things long since forgotten and to express…

So, a few questions..

is there a point in time when we “become” our online identities?

is your online identity the “authentic” you or a self perception?

have you ever been called out by a “fan” to prove that you “walk the walk and talk the talk?

have you ever wondered “is this, what I’m doing worth it?” but that then leads to other questions.

i’m just curious.

hummm, now shifting gears…

i am going to admit something that some may have already guessed.

i have issues.


yes, i am aware that if one is alive, one has issues. mine are special… 🙂 😆

but there are times when there is a disconnect -brain – no, tactful brain and mouth. there are times when human behaviour baffles the bejeebers out of me. one would think I was reared by emotionless androids or something.

the other day, someone expressed “love.”
not fully understanding, i tried to gloss over it. it did not make sense. “i must have misunderstood,” i thought.
REPEAT
ok, so i did not misunderstand. continue
“so you’re just going to ignore what I said?”
“thank you.”
” ‘thank you’ ???”
“i do not know how to respond.” i really didn’t.

INSERT CHIRPING CRICKETS

to make a longer story shorter, after being told why i was stunned.

as a rule, i don’t tell people how to feel or what to feel it’s not my place to tell anyone how they should feel. in this case. i could not remain silent.

“you do not know me to feel this way. we’ve never met and most likely never will. if my banter and conversations have lead you to believe otherwise, i apologise. but , if you look at it realistically, i am – to you, as you are – to me, a collection of photographs, screen captures and witticisms that don’t even scratch the surface of who we are. for you to say what you said makes no sense to me and continued discussion will only make me uncomfortable.”

that’s the gist of my reply. then the reply to the reply. then I stopped because continued discourse would only add paraffin to the fire.

this is the reason for the above q and a.

but now i am left with questions…not about that – that was just silly. but I wonder how many online “relationships (of romantic nature)” begin as such? there isn’t any way such a thing can last, can it?

heavy sigh…heavy sigh

i’m going to bed.

a pui tardi!

i am going to be all over the place with this one…

where do i want to start?
“the beginning is always a good place.”
i don’t want to go that far back.

well, it is almost a year that my life, my existence changed…forever.

ups and downs
hither and ‘yond
“life”
“death”
laughter
despair
loneliness – both complete and incomplete

as i sit here and type these words…these feelings into being….

i got up to get a granola bar and now i’ve forgotten what i was going to say. welcome to my world!!! 🙂 🙂

ahhhhh

i’ve often heard the phrase ‘the business of living’ but lately, i’ve been more concerned about or with ‘the business of death.’

i’ve discovered that there are varied ranges in cost and pomp in funeral preperation. (i now see why my mother did her advanced planning) even for the most (i think) simplest of services. (simple cremation and find a tree or a wood that wont be destroyed in months to come to make way for another mini-mall or housing complex an d spread my ashes.

i’ve seen the attempts at upselling casket liners…(really, at that point WHO THE HELL CARES???) types of caskets and/or memorial “take aways”, videos, plaques, laminated obituraries….all costing the bereaved thousands and thousands of dollars. what ever happened to the days of newspaper obituary listings. I was just AMAZED, floored, stunned, flabbergasted. Ahhhh, the little voice is speaking to me. She says…

drew, my dearest drew. funerals aren’t for the dead. they are for the survivors. the more elaborate and expensive the service, the more guilt the survivors have.

i don’t quite know what to make of that. so i’ll just walk away.

i made another jaw dropping realisation a few days ago. i wanted to sit with it, chew on it and see if the associated feelings were genuine or just poo.

i, of course decided that the feeling was genuine and from my perspective #truth. what was the realisation? i realised that in many cases….

i am a better friend to my friends than they are to me.

this is what i mean… you know what, an explanation is not really necessary. i say that not to dissuade discussion. i say it because it was/is how i felt. and we all know that there is very little logic when dealing with feelings.

and another thing.
there are times, when sitting in my chair, gazing out, i run scenarios through my head. those “if i hadn’t met ‘x’ my life would be different” kinda things.

yes, i am aware that of course things would be different. i’m not a complete goober.

i just think about how one encounter with someone – ripples through out …time.

i would murder for a lasagna and salad with a balsamic vinegar dressing. i will settle for carrot sticks and ranch dressing.

when did sex and sexuality become things used to define people? i am aware of the adage “sex sells,” but, it seems that it is everywhere now and with that the various aspects of sexuality. homosexuality, heterosexuality, asexuality, bisexuality, celibacy, abstinence, transexuality…what is the big bleeding deal? i don’t understand. that is just ONE, tiny aspect of a person. just ONE aspect. i’m walking away again.

whoa, now some states will allow businesses the right to deny service to LGBT people or anyone else who contradicts an owner’s religious beliefs. i don’t know if i am “pleased – let me explain about the use of ‘pleased’ that some bigots aren’t letting their love of the almighty dollar guide their consciences. what does it matter how someone spends their private time when they are ordering the best champagne and top tier meal? but i guess, poverty and hatred are more worthy than providing the BEST customer service to PAYING customers. great ceaser’s ghost! what the hell is happening to the world? What happened to tolerance?

i’ve discovered that i have two you tube channels. i kinda recall creating the second. i thought that i was signing in using my google account. i wasn’t. i was creating an account. oh well, i am not going to delete it. i’m thinking that it was created for some reason. i just have to figure out what that reason is. A thought was to let it be a channel for unedited thoughts/unguarded moments (as “unguarded” as one can be when being recorded). it will also be used to put what i’m reading into action Daring Greatly. i need to work on a few things and i think this may just be one of the many tools to help along the way.

i’m also going to start to minimise my online presence. what i mean by that. i am going to “shut down” some little used to not used vedekdrew sites. although i had a larger following on blogger, i believe that i’ll stick with wordpress for now. i’m kinda torn with regard to the online photo storage sites i use. flickr offers one TB of storage. i’ve already almost maxed out my dropbox account and my shoebox is best used on my portable devices.

i’ve tossed and turned with writing this. i’ve decided to go ahead.
if you’ve been following this blog/sporadic ramblings, you’ll recall that i am coming up on the one year anniversary of my…terminal diagnosis. the inoperable brain tumour/lesion/hole whatever its called. if you also recall, i shared with you that i was told that i (A.) wouldn’t live past All Hallows’ Eve (that Halloween to some). Then, I was told (B.) that if i made it past AHE, that it would be a miracle if i made it to the new year. guess what, the new year has come and gone.

well, it is 24 april 2014 and….i am still here. and dare i say it, today, i feel that all of the pain and suffering may have been worth it. (no not really)
i will share this with you. it is my opinion; it is my belief that NO MAN/WOMANshould EVERknow when they will or may expire. As the day approaches, one becomes some what paralysed with indecision. i admit, i am still ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop.’ those days when it takes every bit of reserve to just move…i think ‘today is the day.’ when i have that extra burst of energy, i recall stories of people who had that burst of energy before they died. yeah, that is where my head goes sometimes.

but, now, i’ve to decide on what is the next path for me. i am considered permanently disabled because of the inoperability of the tumour/lesion/hole thingie. but that leads to another problem. i’ll need to earn some money. living off of the investments, savings and insurance payments will eventually run out. i am unable to receive any help from the state as a result of my “income.” it is just frustrating. HOWEVER, i am much better off than others. i do not have to worry about having the electrics turned off or any of the other mod-cons. for now at least….but with this change that HAS TO BE MADE…

well. i am off out! i want to put this to “bed” and start the next one (finish the other on the clipboard.)

OH, ONE THING

there was a time, when mine was a very regimented, well-scheduled life/existence. i knew where i was supposed to be, what i was supposed to be doing, etc, etc, etc. somewhere along the line i adopted a ‘go with the flow attitude.’ i think that i am going to have to find a happy medium betwixt the two. i LIKE the idea of planning. i like the perceived “control.’ however, i also like the fluidity of the flow. arrrrrrgh

i do know that i have to return to a schedule. there are more than enough hours in the day to get what i want to complete – completed! i am going to play around with it – a schedule.

well, guess what, i am needed in another place in time… 🙂 \O/

a pui tardi

i am of peace

I am a liar, plain and simple.

I put on a happy face.
I say, “I’m fine, doing much better.”
Sometimes, I lie to myself.

I say to myself, “today is going to be a better day.”
And, admittedly, it is.
Until I move.

I’m not fine.
My body is broken.
My brain betrays me…almost 24/7.
I ache physically.
I ache spiritually.
I ache.

My senses betray me.
Is this real?

I am a liar.
I’m not fine.
I am dying.
Yeah, I know.
We’re all dying.
It’s the normal conclusion to existence.
Mine is accelerated.

If everything is going to be “ok,”
Why as I type this
Tears are streaming down my face?

I am a liar to those who ask after my health.
I am not “fine.”
It’s not going to be “ok.”
I am going to die.
I am.

I don’t want to.
I’ve not thrown in the towel.
But, I’m tired.
No, not tired.
I am exhausted.

But, I’ll get up.
Wash my face.
Put on a smile.
And say,

I’m fine.
Thanks for asking.

LIAR!

Peace eludes me today.

Ciao, ciao
A pui tardi.

I think I’d become trapped, no, I had become trapped.

and I still am, but now recognised as traps. Did that make sense?

THE TRAPS

the trap of believing that one has to be a part of a pair in order to be complete.

the trap of emotion. (Ahh, here we go)
It isn’t often that I let anyone into my most personal space…my head.

“What on Earth do you mean?”
I mean, to occupy so much of mind that they become all I think about. That I wonder what they’re doing every minute of the day.

That was just too freakin odd. And I did not like that at all.

the trap, that, I think many people feel today. the trap of “what’s the sodding point?”

You know what, don’t feel like listing all of the traps. Let’s just lump it into the trap of LIFE.

But, as usual, the UNIVERSE parted the veil so that vision could be cleared….

The moment I let go of IT, was the moment I got more than I could handle.
The moment I jumped off of IT, was the moment I touched down.

I happened to be listening to Alanis Morissette this morning whilst driving somewhere. And the moment I sang those words….a sigh of relief.

So I’m letting go of IT.

that is today, right now as I write this

Oh, 2013 is the year of write and post. No editing, no self censoring. Just sayin’.

I am of peace

What the fuck are y’all talking about??????

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Dear Many Of My Facebook Friends,
What the fuck are y’all talking about??????
Sincerely, Zack de la Rouda

Now this may be some quote from some song I’ve never heard of, but it made me think.

So, drew, what is so “BOOYAKITTY” about that?

Well, it made me think and ask, what do I, are we talking about?

So, I took a look at my timeline to see just what my friends/”friends” and I “talk” about.

You know what I discovered?

I discovered that FB discussions range from…

health issues (BTW, please ring your parents about any health concerns BEFORE posting them on your timeline. It saves you from unnecessary drama, just sayin’)

Discussions on life and love. I mean, we’ve all read the impassioned, emphatic protestations of love and hate.

Children and pets. Our two and four legged friends seem to take up a lot of out discussions. I noticed that I had/have become one of those people who posts pictures of pets and other folks children.

Books, Television, Music and Movies- I am a GetGlue whore. So stickers about various movies, books, television shows litter my wall. I try to remember to disable the FB feed for GetGlue, but there are times when I forget. Speaking of music….holding on for MORTAL LONGING by Sleepthief.

Personal accomplishments/misfortunes. Be they birthdays, anniversaries, births, deaths or divorces. We seem to want to share them with our “subscribers/friends.” We need and want that “virtual” support.

Our drunken escapades. Is elaboration necessary? sidebar with employers and potential employers paying closer attention to what we do when away from the office, you may want to reconsider those Atlantic City drunken party pics (we have freedom of……STOP, right there because we don’t that is an illusion….a dream. We only have freedom of speech/expression when it does not offend others.)

Our individual causes and those things nearest and dearest to our hearts. And that really ranges from Atheism to sounding to zoology and all things in-between.

But to shuck this to the cob (yeah, I still like saying that), we are talking about are the things that matter to us at that moment. It may not be important to you, but consider this…your postings may not be important to us.

I think that we are reaching out the best way we can in a world where just in order to survive, we have to work 50 hours plus just to make rent. We are trying to build a community, albeit an electronic one, but a community nonetheless. We are trying to connect with people in a world where F2F contact is becoming a thing of the past. We are trying to be noticed.

I do not know if this was his purpose, but Zack……

Thanks!

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