Tag Archives: death

Let’s see where this goes

looking out of my window, I realise that I’ve treated this blog just like I treat my handwritten journal. I use them -religiously – for days, sometimes weeks on end. Then, one day…BAM nothing.  And that of course, goes for weeks on end too! Of course, during those “nothing” periods, “something” is happening, but nothing that I’m willing to share—during the EVENT.

So, guys and gals, go put a kettle on, get your favourite biscuits and prepare to ask…WTF? 😜

  • I’ve been feeling “disconnected” lately. I was standing in the kitchen a few weeks ago. My housemate and I were doing our “dinner prep dance” then all of a sudden, the feeling of being disjointed – disconnected washed over me. There I was, standing in the middle of the kitchen, feeling apart of, yet removed from the activity around me. Why? Why? Hummmm, more about that later. 13 April- I’ve identified the feeling of disconnection. I should say that I think that I’ve identified it. For the past few years, I’ve been afraid of …the next step. As a result, I removed myself from day to day face to face interactions. I pay my bills online. I shop online. My meds are delivered to me. My health is monitored remotely. So, for all intents and purposes, I had no real reason to leave the house.  So, I’ve not really had any reason to engage or be engaged. As a result, those things that come so easily to others, I believe it is called “small talk” becomes a BLOODY chore. Of course that is just a thumbnail account.
  • I’ve been having these internal conversations. Now, I’ve had them before. Walking ones self through a procedure and stuff like that. Well, these internal conversations have been, what I now call, ” dark side, uncensored conversations” basically, those are the meanest, vilest, most “are you a FRAKING idiot for saying -insert topic- ?” kinds of conversations.  These, although disturbing, have actually assisted with my day to day interactions. That surprised the Koss out of me! LOL!!! 13 April- those internal conversations have become external and as a result, dare I say some realisations have been made. That if I could have and actually give voice to those thoughts then as a few of the “targets” have come to realise, the “shit must be bad.” Pity, that I had to paint the ugliest picture to affect change. That is a pity. 
  • …”There are some things about which I just don’t care. Can’t name them all here. Hummm. … … 😜”

“War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” President Jimmy Carter

  • Let’s look through the ole leather bound to see, what I’ve forgotten. 
  • I’ve returned to my study of magic. I prefer ” magick.” More importantly, I’m back to the study of spells and talismen. That’s been an ongoing study for decades now. 
  • Ran into an old sci-fi club acquaintance. He and I would often debate: Immortality- Pros and Cons. And one of his thoughts, is that immortality was/is some type of fountain of youth. I, on the other, contend that one would still age, but at a certain point, organs would regenerate, yada yada ya. Then the voice said, he’s talking age, you’re talking passage of time. Aren’t they the same things? “Yes and no. However, I’ve not the energy to explain.

Instead of moving forward, mankind….some of mankind seems to be moving backward. I live in a state where it will be legal to refuse service to someone if the owner/manager feels that the patron violates some “moral” code of conduct. That law seems to be sweeping the country.  Most are focusing on only ONE aspect of this “moral” code. They’ve, I believe, yet to see how this can and will affect everyone.  14 April Can morals be regulated, legislated, dictated?  I’d like to think that I’m a pretty moral fella. However, I don’t feel the need to practise a “mainstream” religion. I don’t care if two men or women want to marry.  If the races want to mix and multiply, have at it! I don’t hate Muslims and don’t think that they are all “evil.” I don’t think that I have to accept any one deity I don’t want to accept.  Some of, many of my beliefs and philosophies are so counter to this “moral code.” I guess I’m screwed!   Moving on……..

I “prepared” for IT. IT didn’t happen.  IT will happen.  But now that IT didn’t/hasn’t happened, what to do? Of course, being grateful is first on the list, but “moving on and living” just doesn’t sum up the “what to do.” I think that is going to be a follow up discussion too.

  • What am I not in the business of? Yep, that’s right!!! LOLπŸ˜œπŸ˜‚πŸ˜„ I’m not in the business of being right or wrong. HOWEVER, it is rather pleasing to be right.  LOL, I know, how  unevolved am I? I’m human in this moment so litigate against me.  πŸ˜œπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜„πŸ˜ with that said….

  • One of my TOP ONE MILLION PET PEEVES. People who have to constantly remind people “how much more intelligent and smart I am.” I just look and nod. All the while, I’m thinking, a real intellectual does not have to announce it – on a daily basis…several times a day and then seek confirmation.  LOL!  Meow meow
  • Sexuality and sex. gender identification and orientation…are all different things. Why can’t legislators just allow “THE PEOPLE” to govern their respective personal lives?  Why, is it that the country everyone runs to, or used to run to because it was the beacon to personal freedom seeks to legislate one of the MOST sacred personal freedoms; the freedom to choose who we love?

This wraps up this instalment. I may update this later. I may just tap out another one. Who the Koss knows?

πŸ˜œπŸ˜‚πŸ˜

  • Love, in my youth, I admit I sought her out. FAIL!! As I matured, I stopped looking for LOVE and thought that LOVE would find me. REALLY, DID I REALLY THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN? So, now, I enjoy the “freedom” of having no significant other. However, there are times when I’d welcome the “shackles” of having a sig. However, as I type this, I realise that the words used are perhaps an indication of how I view romantic entanglements.πŸ˜±πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ‘»

14 April – It’s time to put this baby to bed.

I’m sitting here in my chair, listening to Friday Night Dinner, gazing out my window. Realisation.. despite everything, I am of peace. That sustains me. It also sustains others. Here’s something else that I believe. I believe that through a combined force of WILL, there are groups, communities of people who are also “of peace” and through their efforts we, as a species have not wiped ourselves out. We’ve come so close. Yet…

I’ve lost that train.

I’m wrapping up with a rhetorical here.

Why is it so difficult to just do the “right” thing?


A pui tardΓ­



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I’ve been putting off thinking about it…

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That’s how much longer until I find out if all of the drugs have worked. I find out if the bleeding has stopped, if the mass has continued it’s lack of growth. (Dare I hope for a retreat? I can hope all I want!)

Wow, yesterday it was a year that I was diagnosed with this thing in my head. It was shortly thereafter, I was told that my prognosis was grim. In fact, I was told that if I made it to Halloween; it would be a miracle. Halloween came and went. The Drewster is still here. (I don’t know why I said “Drewster.” DON’T)
Then, “if you make it to the new year, count your blessings. You were/are really sick.” Well, it’s obvious that the new year has come and gone – and no, I’m not penning this from the other side, yeppers, I’m still…here.

The “emotional roller coaster” one rides when faced with pending mortality is a fucked up, vomitious, cry/rage fest that just cannot be adequately described.

So, imagine if you will; I am “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I am waiting to just fall over and expire. But that isn’t happening. I feel like I’m dying. I feel like dying, but it just ain’t happening.
(No, I’m not)

Ok, so attempts at weaving ones tattered life BACK together begins. Wait a minute!! I was going to go one way with that, but I’d rather go another.

As I attempt to re-weave threads of connections and weave new connections, I’ve been afforded a wonderful opportunity to start relationships over or to leave these relationships go. The past year has shown me, just how strong of a thread I’ve used to weave the relationship.

I’m sorry about the “weaving” I’m thinking about RTO and watching a spider spin her web, the fragile appearance to some, yet deadly to others.

Surprisingly, it has been very easy to unravel connections that have been less than helpful. Some I just stopped trying to build with them. Others, simple explanations as to why I’ve unstitched the thread…when asked.

It has been equally easy to reinforce the stitch.

(heavy sigh)

I don’t know why.
I don’t know how.
I don’t know if it was prayer.
I don’t know if it was bathing in the gifts of white light.
I don’t know if it’s my latent mutant physiology.
I don’t know if it was diet.
I don’t know why.

I do know this.
NOW is much better than THEN and TOMORROW, well I’ll worry about that..tomorrow.

πŸ˜†πŸ˜œπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜πŸ‘½

a pui tardi
✌️

i am going to be all over the place with this one…

where do i want to start?
“the beginning is always a good place.”
i don’t want to go that far back.

well, it is almost a year that my life, my existence changed…forever.

ups and downs
hither and ‘yond
“life”
“death”
laughter
despair
loneliness – both complete and incomplete

as i sit here and type these words…these feelings into being….

i got up to get a granola bar and now i’ve forgotten what i was going to say. welcome to my world!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

ahhhhh

i’ve often heard the phrase ‘the business of living’ but lately, i’ve been more concerned about or with ‘the business of death.’

i’ve discovered that there are varied ranges in cost and pomp in funeral preperation. (i now see why my mother did her advanced planning) even for the most (i think) simplest of services. (simple cremation and find a tree or a wood that wont be destroyed in months to come to make way for another mini-mall or housing complex an d spread my ashes.

i’ve seen the attempts at upselling casket liners…(really, at that point WHO THE HELL CARES???) types of caskets and/or memorial “take aways”, videos, plaques, laminated obituraries….all costing the bereaved thousands and thousands of dollars. what ever happened to the days of newspaper obituary listings. I was just AMAZED, floored, stunned, flabbergasted. Ahhhh, the little voice is speaking to me. She says…

drew, my dearest drew. funerals aren’t for the dead. they are for the survivors. the more elaborate and expensive the service, the more guilt the survivors have.

i don’t quite know what to make of that. so i’ll just walk away.

i made another jaw dropping realisation a few days ago. i wanted to sit with it, chew on it and see if the associated feelings were genuine or just poo.

i, of course decided that the feeling was genuine and from my perspective #truth. what was the realisation? i realised that in many cases….

i am a better friend to my friends than they are to me.

this is what i mean… you know what, an explanation is not really necessary. i say that not to dissuade discussion. i say it because it was/is how i felt. and we all know that there is very little logic when dealing with feelings.

and another thing.
there are times, when sitting in my chair, gazing out, i run scenarios through my head. those “if i hadn’t met ‘x’ my life would be different” kinda things.

yes, i am aware that of course things would be different. i’m not a complete goober.

i just think about how one encounter with someone – ripples through out …time.

i would murder for a lasagna and salad with a balsamic vinegar dressing. i will settle for carrot sticks and ranch dressing.

when did sex and sexuality become things used to define people? i am aware of the adage “sex sells,” but, it seems that it is everywhere now and with that the various aspects of sexuality. homosexuality, heterosexuality, asexuality, bisexuality, celibacy, abstinence, transexuality…what is the big bleeding deal? i don’t understand. that is just ONE, tiny aspect of a person. just ONE aspect. i’m walking away again.

whoa, now some states will allow businesses the right to deny service to LGBT people or anyone else who contradicts an owner’s religious beliefs. i don’t know if i am “pleased – let me explain about the use of ‘pleased’ that some bigots aren’t letting their love of the almighty dollar guide their consciences. what does it matter how someone spends their private time when they are ordering the best champagne and top tier meal? but i guess, poverty and hatred are more worthy than providing the BEST customer service to PAYING customers. great ceaser’s ghost! what the hell is happening to the world? What happened to tolerance?

i’ve discovered that i have two you tube channels. i kinda recall creating the second. i thought that i was signing in using my google account. i wasn’t. i was creating an account. oh well, i am not going to delete it. i’m thinking that it was created for some reason. i just have to figure out what that reason is. A thought was to let it be a channel for unedited thoughts/unguarded moments (as “unguarded” as one can be when being recorded). it will also be used to put what i’m reading into action Daring Greatly. i need to work on a few things and i think this may just be one of the many tools to help along the way.

i’m also going to start to minimise my online presence. what i mean by that. i am going to “shut down” some little used to not used vedekdrew sites. although i had a larger following on blogger, i believe that i’ll stick with wordpress for now. i’m kinda torn with regard to the online photo storage sites i use. flickr offers one TB of storage. i’ve already almost maxed out my dropbox account and my shoebox is best used on my portable devices.

i’ve tossed and turned with writing this. i’ve decided to go ahead.
if you’ve been following this blog/sporadic ramblings, you’ll recall that i am coming up on the one year anniversary of my…terminal diagnosis. the inoperable brain tumour/lesion/hole whatever its called. if you also recall, i shared with you that i was told that i (A.) wouldn’t live past All Hallows’ Eve (that Halloween to some). Then, I was told (B.) that if i made it past AHE, that it would be a miracle if i made it to the new year. guess what, the new year has come and gone.

well, it is 24 april 2014 and….i am still here. and dare i say it, today, i feel that all of the pain and suffering may have been worth it. (no not really)
i will share this with you. it is my opinion; it is my belief that NO MAN/WOMANshould EVERknow when they will or may expire. As the day approaches, one becomes some what paralysed with indecision. i admit, i am still ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop.’ those days when it takes every bit of reserve to just move…i think ‘today is the day.’ when i have that extra burst of energy, i recall stories of people who had that burst of energy before they died. yeah, that is where my head goes sometimes.

but, now, i’ve to decide on what is the next path for me. i am considered permanently disabled because of the inoperability of the tumour/lesion/hole thingie. but that leads to another problem. i’ll need to earn some money. living off of the investments, savings and insurance payments will eventually run out. i am unable to receive any help from the state as a result of my “income.” it is just frustrating. HOWEVER, i am much better off than others. i do not have to worry about having the electrics turned off or any of the other mod-cons. for now at least….but with this change that HAS TO BE MADE…

well. i am off out! i want to put this to “bed” and start the next one (finish the other on the clipboard.)

OH, ONE THING

there was a time, when mine was a very regimented, well-scheduled life/existence. i knew where i was supposed to be, what i was supposed to be doing, etc, etc, etc. somewhere along the line i adopted a ‘go with the flow attitude.’ i think that i am going to have to find a happy medium betwixt the two. i LIKE the idea of planning. i like the perceived “control.’ however, i also like the fluidity of the flow. arrrrrrgh

i do know that i have to return to a schedule. there are more than enough hours in the day to get what i want to complete – completed! i am going to play around with it – a schedule.

well, guess what, i am needed in another place in time… πŸ™‚ \O/

a pui tardi

i am of peace

I am a liar, plain and simple.

I put on a happy face.
I say, “I’m fine, doing much better.”
Sometimes, I lie to myself.

I say to myself, “today is going to be a better day.”
And, admittedly, it is.
Until I move.

I’m not fine.
My body is broken.
My brain betrays me…almost 24/7.
I ache physically.
I ache spiritually.
I ache.

My senses betray me.
Is this real?

I am a liar.
I’m not fine.
I am dying.
Yeah, I know.
We’re all dying.
It’s the normal conclusion to existence.
Mine is accelerated.

If everything is going to be “ok,”
Why as I type this
Tears are streaming down my face?

I am a liar to those who ask after my health.
I am not “fine.”
It’s not going to be “ok.”
I am going to die.
I am.

I don’t want to.
I’ve not thrown in the towel.
But, I’m tired.
No, not tired.
I am exhausted.

But, I’ll get up.
Wash my face.
Put on a smile.
And say,

I’m fine.
Thanks for asking.

LIAR!

Peace eludes me today.

Ciao, ciao
A pui tardi.

I glimpsed my father in the mirror, and it scared/fascinated me

Howdy, lets jump right into this shall we?

The other day, whilst brushing my teeth or trimming the super beard I caught an image of my father in the mirror. Now, my father has been dead for what seems like forever so long that my brother can’t recall how he looks/looked. He died when I was 12 I think and I’m 46 now and 3 1/2 years older than my brother (you do the math so that’s how long it’s been. I recall the day my father died. He was on his way out, but got this last burst of strength and energy, (from what I recall of the conversation the doctor had with my mither, disconnected himself from the machines and went running down the halls of DePaul (a local hospital in Norfolk) saying that he wanted to see his boys before he died. Fortunately, my mother, as she did daily, was bringing us to visit. He saw us. We went running to him. He said he loved us (which was something he never said and told me “Andrew, always take care of your mother” and died. Right there in the corridor. Then the ward sisters and doctors came, pronounced him “expired” and asked my mother if she would like us to have some counselling. Before she could answer, I looked up at the doctor, who smelled of Vicks vap-o-rub, and said “we knew it was going to happen. He said what he needed to say. I think we’re ok.” My mother, looked at the doctor and said, we’ll see how this settles in a few days. And that was it. His body was prepared for funeral. The service was a few days later. (For some reason it had to be done within days. I can’t recall if it for religious reasons or if she just didn’t want to drag it out.)

I tell that story because of late, I’ve seen my father in mirror. (Oh did I mention that I am and have always been told that I am his spitting image? But the queer thing about it, some nights, when I feel as if I just can’t stand the pain/discomfort anymore, that my mother (who is also dead by the way) sits at the foot of my bed and rubs my feet (which I’ve never liked and hums to me in that off tune humming/singing thing that she does … did. I feel her warmth and smell her scent. And just as I become fully conscious, she’s gone. But before she leaves she whispers “you did exactly what your daddy told you to do. You took care of me til the end of my days. I will never forget that and neither will your daddy.” And he is there too, smoking something that just STINKS.

Wowzers, memories, sensations or perhaps drug induced hallucinations; or, it could be that in this current state I am open to their communication. I don’t know and honestly I don’t care. To see them, hear them, feel their presence….I don’t know makes my heart rejoice. Perhaps “rejoice” isn’t the correct word, but it’s the one I’m using. 😜

I will admit. I do want to try the mirror, but, I don’t know, I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet.

Oh, why are thoughts of amputation and dreams of rehabilitation flooding my dreams of late? Amputation of my left foot to be precise.

Oh well, I’ve got to go and worship the porcelain goddess. I AM SO OVER THAT SHIT!

As usual, I am of peace. (Yeah, I cling to peace because if I didn’t all hell would break loose. )

A pui tardi

Oh, PS. On Tuesday, I reclaim my control over my care. Using the interwebs, I’ve discovered all types of alternative medicines.
Ciao ciao.

Wow and it is just 08:19…

And I’ve already ridden the roller coaster of emotions.

I awoke smiling, humming and then singing ( 99.9% of the time that’s how I greet the world. Now keep in mind, that is only when I am alone. If others are around…DON’T BREATHE TOO HEAVILY OR I WILL CUT YOU DOWN WITH AN ICY GLARE).

But now, as I did the morning washing up (which was light as all I had was a lightly toasted bagel, a thinly sliced, lightly peppered English cucumber and a cuppa) I burst into tears. Why? For a brief moment, I caught a whiff of my mothers scent and felt…..something.

Memories, this time last year…..she and I were walking the streets of Atlanta, looking at the snow.

Alrightythen

Wow

a pui tardi

Let’s see if I can lighten the mood a bit.

20111228-083204.jpg

One can NEVER be ready…

Wow, last year this time I was in Atlanta, nursing my mom back to health. After a year (mas o menos), I left her, a person size lighter and in a better position health-wise than I found her. Soon, I will return to Atlanta to bury her. Which is just odd to me as we were laughing and goofing off together on Monday.

Now, what’s even odder is that unless things happen differently, there are “steps” to this expiration.

Remove her from the ventilator is the first step.

So, well see where that leads us.